


I'm Awake Now

by varaxxian (ardmore)



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:28:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 49,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27506116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardmore/pseuds/varaxxian
Summary: It's been one year since the victory over the Reapers. Shepard's death had hit Kaidan hard, but he'd been ok: He'd returned to active duty, had accepted that he was grieving, but had been getting over it. Until he'd realized that he was not ready to move on after all - and that maybe he didn't have to.Story is set during ME1&ME3, most things are pretty much canon, until they aren't. No sex because I don't enjoy writing sex scenes, you'll have to use your imagination.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Comments: 65
Kudos: 57





	1. Whenever I'm Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter is probably the shortest of all of them, title is "Whenever I'm Dreaming" by One Desire.

_Don’t leave me behind._

Kaidan’s own words echoed in his mind as it was fighting its way back into reality. His sleepy brain needed a few seconds to assess the surroundings: Apparently he had fallen asleep on the rug in front of the fireplace. Passed out, more appropriately. At least the fire had died down without setting the cabin ablaze, so that had to be regarded as a win in his books.

As his brain was slowly coming around, the pieces started falling into place again like a jigsaw puzzle painting a picture of reality. Today was the day. The one-year anniversary of their victory over the Reapers. The one-year anniversary of Shepard’s last words to him: “That’s an order, Major.” And again, Kaidan had followed his orders, and again, Shepard had died. Now if history was truly bound to repeat itself, it would be merely another year before he would rise from the ashes, rebuilt by Cerberus. But Cerberus was gone. The Illusive Man was gone.

And Shepard was gone.

Well, until yesterday at least, when exactly one day before he would officially have been declared KIA anyway they’d finally found his remains. Remains. How he hated that word. He didn’t even want to start envisioning what it actually meant.

And yet it had been neither the certainty about his death nor the hero’s funeral they were planning now and that he definitely didn’t feel like attending that had made him pass out drunk last night. It had been Liara’s message.

He didn’t know why she had even told him. Alliance would keep it under wraps for sure, because all this little detail would do was taint their victory. Flaw the story of heroic Commander Shepard who selflessly died to save us all. Because he didn’t. He had survived the initial explosion on the Citadel only to succumb to his injuries later. Left to die by his own crew and the whole of the Alliance.

How much later, even the Shadow Broker didn’t know for sure. Hours? Days? Kaidan hoped it hadn’t been days. Days alone, out there in the dark, waiting in vain for them to come back and get him. Fuck it. Why did she even have to tell him? He hadn’t needed to know that. He wished he didn’t. Liara probably just couldn’t cope with being the only one to know.

He had to make quite an effort to get to his feet, feeling every single joint and bone in his body. Walking to the bathroom went pretty well, he wasn’t too drunk anymore. He was merely ... tired. But he’d been tired for a long time now.

They should have gone back. They should have never left. At least, they should have tried. And died trying if need be. _Nobody is doing this alone_. His own words rang hollow in his ears now.

“You look like shit”, he whispered to the man in the mirror, but mirror-man didn’t seem impressed and just stared back at him, looking like shit. Unshaven, hungover, broken. The manifestation of the ideal reason to swallow one of these new sleeping pills his doctor had given him last time he’d been there, convinced that what Kaidan needed most were a couple of nights of deep, uninterrupted sleep. Maybe she was right.

When Kaidan opened his eyes he felt wide awake and not at all like he’d only just woken up. These pills were really working miracles, he had to admit that. He looked down at the tray on the table in front of him and his brain short-circuited for a moment, trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

He was sitting at a very familiar table, dimmed lights around him, tray with food in front of him. He looked around, though it wouldn’t even have been necessary, he already knew: This was the Normandy. The SR-1, as a matter of fact.

Wow, this felt so real. He knew about lucid dreaming, it had been big with the kids in brain camp. When they’d talked about it, it had always sounded like the perfect escape. He’d tried to learn it, but it had never worked for him and he had eventually accepted that his dreams, usually a jumbled mess of incoherent scenes and images, just weren’t suitable for this kind of experience. But this was ... impressive. And unlike any other dream he’d ever had.

Kaidan smiled. He liked this. It didn’t feel like a nightmare. This was just him sitting here on this old ship, a tray of the familiar crappy food on the table, without death and despair around him.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw movement and turned his head.

“Shepard ...” Kaidan heard himself saying his name, and it sounded like a surprised question and not at all like greeting.

“Alenko”, Shepard said and walked past him to grab a cup of coffee, Kaidan’s eyes following his every move. “So we dropped the Commander?”, he added as he sat down at the table opposite from Kaidan.

“Uhm ... no”, Kaidan said quickly. Damn, this felt so real. Shepard’s voice, sounding a bit more gravelly than usual because he’d likely just gotten out of bed, his shining blue eyes, the look he gave him. “Of course not. I’m sorry, Commander.”

Shepard cracked a smile at his reaction. “Relax”, he said. “I’m good with it. About time you loosened up a little anyway.”

“I’ll try, Commander”, Kaidan said.

“And the Commander is back.” Shepard took another sip from his coffee.

“Sorry”, Kaidan apologized once more.

“What are you doing up?”, Shepard asked, and suddenly Kaidan remembered this whole situation. It had to be around four in the morning, and he’d gotten hungry after skipping dinner.

“Uhm ... food”, Kaidan said with quick glance down at his tray. In reality, he’d handled this a little more eloquently.

“I might have to set mandatory mealtimes if it means my crew will get a good night’s sleep.”

“I wasn’t feeling well last night, went to bed early”, Kaidan explained.

Shepard nodded slowly, took another sip of coffee and leaned back in his chair. “Biotics?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sure Dr. Chakwas could get you something.”

“That’s ok, don’t worry about it. Anything strong enough to help will knock me out cold”, Kaidan said. “And I can’t have that on a warship. You might need me.”

“Yeah”, Shepard said, a hint of a smile on his lips, their eyes meeting. “I actually might.”

Was Shepard ... flirting with him? And was he just imagining this or was it actually what he remembered? If Shepard had really said this back then, Kaidan had to have been a lot more caught up in going by the book and ignoring everything around him than he’d realized. Sure, he’d had his reasons. Not only was this his CO, this was also a man, something Kaidan had become very careful about. But he couldn’t imagine that he’d really never noticed. This was probably just him, seeing what he wanted to see.

“You should head down to Flux with us next time we’re on the Citadel”, Shepard suggested.

“Bright lights and loud music aren’t the greatest environment for someone prone to migraines”, Kaidan said.

“Right”, Shepard said and Kaidan wasn’t quite sure whether he was just acknowledging that he’d forgotten about that or whether he was a bit pissed off by his whining. “I’m sure we could find something else to do”, Shepard said. “Something more quiet. Go for a drink, or maybe grab something to eat. Would do you good to see your crewmates somewhere other than on board the Normandy.”

Kaidan wanted to lunge across the table, kiss him, wrap his arms around him and just hold him tight. However, seeing how apparently they’d only just switched from rank to name, that would have been highly inappropriate. Shepard would probably knock him out if he tried. And then throw him off ship for assaulting his CO. Now wouldn’t that look great on his service record.

Service record? This was a dream. His dream, as a matter of fact. He could do whatever he wanted. But maybe he shouldn’t. It might break the dream, the others at BAaT had said. Just let it flow, don’t try too hard to control it or make things happen, you’ll only wake up. And waking up was the last thing he wanted right now.

“I’ve always been a somewhat quiet guy, I suppose”, Kaidan admitted. “Not exactly quick with making friends.”

“You don’t say.”

“Yeah ... A bit of a drawback in this line of work. You have to be quick with it, because the people you meet tend to go their separate ways again.” Or they just die, he thought. “Next time, I’m in.”

In reality, he had declined this offer.

“I’ll hold you to that”, Shepard said and got up from his chair. “Talk to you later.”

Kaidan watched him put his empty cup away and then disappear towards the elevator without giving him another look. He wanted to call him back, but he couldn’t think of a reason to give. Just another question to ask, just another thing to say, just another ‘Do you have a moment?’. Just another moment. But he could already feel it slipping away, this whole reality becoming blurry, less vibrant, less real. He grabbed the table in front of him with both hands, trying to hold on to this dream, but the next time he blinked, it was gone and he was back where he belonged – in his bed, looking up at the wooden ceiling of the dark and quiet cabin.

The dream was still vivid in his mind, and it had left him emotional with longing and grief, but also with a sort of warmth and comfort he hadn’t felt in a long time. Maybe this had been more than a dream. Maybe it had been Shepard, saying goodbye one final time.


	2. The Downfall of Eden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "The Downfall of Eden" by Eclipse

This amazing drawing was made by the talented and lovely [kibagib](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kibagib). Find more of her art on [tumblr](https://kibagib.tumblr.com/) or [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/kibagibart/).

Kaidan had declined the invitation to the V-Day celebrations due to ‘health issues’. As soon as he brought up health issues, nobody asked any further questions. A few weeks ago he’d still hated that everyone seemed to know about it, but by now he had settled for taking advantage of the situation. He didn’t feel like talking to someone? Health issues. Didn’t want to go and meet people? Health issues. Couldn’t stand the thought of taking part in some official gathering? Health issues. He didn’t even care anymore whether they put it down to his leg or his mental state.

It had been a lovely day today. The sun was about to set and a cool breeze carried cold air down from the mountain range as Kaidan stood outside, his arms crossed in front of his chest, admiring his work. He’d had no reason for ripping these trees from the ground and piling them up here so neatly. He’d done it simply to let off some steam, maybe to prove to himself that he still could. And it had felt good. The pure power tingling on his skin, building up in his muscles, and finally unloading in a glowing blue burst of light that took with it everything that stood in its way. Yes, he still had it.

He hadn’t watched any of the celebration broadcasts, and thankfully this little cabin he had withdrawn to was so far away from everything, it made it easy to forget that it would still be V-Day for a few more hours.

Kaidan looked up to the sky, but the stars weren’t showing themselves yet. He’d looked up there countless times, wondering if he was still up there somewhere, alone, in the dark and cold. He wouldn’t have to do that anymore. They’d found him. Brought him home. That was a good thing.

Those couple of hours of sleep had really done him a world of good. Dr. Ledbetter had been right about that. Taking the pill container out of the cupboard, he scanned the code with his omni-tool. He couldn’t remember if she’d told him how often he was supposed to take those. Daily seemed to be ok for now, according to the patient information that came up. Side effects: Nightmares, sleep paralysis, vivid dreams, migraines, nausea. So far, he’d definitely gotten away with the best one. Actually he wouldn’t have minded to repeat this experience tonight, so when lying in his bed and closing his eyes, he let his thoughts travel back to the past, to the ship, its crew, and Shepard, hoping this would do the trick.

A broad smile formed on his face when he opened his eyes, well aware that he was still asleep and also back aboard the Normandy. He didn’t even know where the ship had ended up, he realized. Well, he knew all too well where this one had ended up, but he had no idea what had happened to the SR-2. Not a single one of the old crew were still assigned to it, that’s all he’d heard. Not even Joker, who had once loved that ship, but now, with EDI gone, would probably never bring himself to set foot on it again. Kaidan couldn’t claim that he didn’t understand.

“Good to go?”, Shepard asked.

Black hoodie, black jeans, casual. Kaidan looked down on himself: cargo pants, Alliance-issue T-Shirt. As casual as it would get.

“Yeah”, he said, not sure what he was ready for.

“Come on, then”, Shepard said, leading the way to the airlock.

_“Logged: The commanding officer is ashore. XO Pressly has the deck”_ , the familiar voice announced as they stepped out onto the Citadel’s docking bay.

So apparently this would be the R&R he’d agreed to.

“Joker, Adams, Garrus and a couple of the others will catch up with us later”, Shepard explained.

“So I’m the only one getting a personal escort?”, Kaidan asked.

“Had to make sure you don’t bail on me at the last second”, Shepard said.

It was a good feeling to see the Citadel like this again. And Kaidan was impressed by how detailed and full of life it seemed. There were people everywhere, walking, shopping, talking, all sorts of species. He hadn’t thought his imagination capable of creating something like this.

“Hope you’re hungry”, Shepard said. “Alliance is buying.”

“I’m always hungry”, Kaidan said.

He ordered a smoked meat sandwich after Shepard had encouraged them to make tonight’s bill something the Alliance would remember. Nothing all that special back on Earth, but here on the Citadel it cost you a fortune.

Back on Earth. He smiled to himself as he remembered that back on Earth was exactly where he had been for almost a year now. And he hadn’t had a smoked meat sandwich in all this time. Luxuries like that had become hard to come by, reserved for the chosen few while a lot of people had to make do with food stamps or meals handed out by charity and volunteers.

Thinking about it once again conjured up the notion that it was time for him to return to active service. He had no right to hide away in his cabin in the woods while the rest of the world was suffering: There were still too many people unaccounted for, military and civilian alike, too many husks aimlessly roaming around, too much to clean up and rebuild. It was his duty to be part of it. He was an Alliance soldier, after all. Always would be.

“So, Lieutenant, ready to take on a turian poker face?”, Garrus asked.

“Deal me in”, Kaidan said.

“Now I’m not sure which face I’ll find more distracting”, Shepard said. “For completely different reasons.”

Had this been anything more than a dream, Kaidan knew he’d have blushed pretty badly now. Yes, Shepard was clearly flirting with him. And he liked it.

It was way past midnight when they were politely asked to leave. Things had gotten a bit drunk, rather loud, and every now and then a little out of hand. Definitely an evening to remember, just like the others had always told Kaidan, making him regret a little that, in reality, he’d passed up the offer to join them.

He hadn’t really paid attention to how exactly he and Shepard had become the last ones on their way back to the Normandy. They weren’t going to head back out before the crew, Joker above all others, had sobered up anyway, so nobody had been in a particular hurry.

“After you”, Shepard said once they’d reached the airlock.

_“Logged: The Commanding Officer is aboard. XO Pressly stands relieved”_ , the voice announced to no one in particular, because Pressly was probably fast asleep just like the rest of the crew – no need for anyone to man their stations while the ship was docked here.

The outer door closed and before the inner door opened, Shepard made a somewhat awkward attempt to walk past him, brushing his elbow and casually running his fingers down Kaidan’s forearm. Kaidan turned to look at him and their eyes locked. He’d missed this so much. The way Shepard looked at him that made him feel like they could see right into each other’s soul.

Shepard stepped closer to him, placing his hands on the wall to both sides of Kaidan’s head. Instinctively, Kaidan raised his arm and put his hand on Shepard’s chest to push him away, his skin glowing blue and tingling with energy.

“Kaidan”, Shepard said softly, lifting his hands from the wall and taking a step back again to give him some space. Apparently the panicked look in his eyes had been hard to miss. “I’m not going to try anything here that you don’t want. No matter how much of that asari liquor I’ve had”, he added jokingly.

“I know”, Kaidan said quickly, not even understanding why he’d done that. They’d been much closer than this, more than once, but suddenly this feeling of unease had taken hold of him again. This feeling that shouldn’t have been there. Not anymore. He knew this man, had known him for years.

“No, you don’t”, Shepard said. “You don’t know me. We’ve hardly spoken enough to fill a Fornax interview page.”

“There are interviews in Fornax?”, Kaidan promptly fell for his attempt to lighten the mood.

“So I’ve been told”, Shepard said with a fleeting grin, his expression becoming very matter-of-factly as soon as the grin disappeared. “I feel like I’ve been getting some mixed signals from you, and apparently I misinterpreted. I apologize, and I’ll be going now.”

Kaidan let him walk away and just stood there in front of the airlock, hearing his own heartbeat pounding in his ears as anger was building up inside of him. Anger at himself. Don’t do anything wild, it might make the dream slip away. Well, maybe it was about time to let all this slip away for good.

He clenched his right hand into a fist, feeling the familiar tingling on his skin as all his anger and grief and pain turned into energy, bursting out of him only to hit one of the consoles on the opposite side of the bridge, ripping it from its foundation and sending it flying against the wall engulfed in a blue glow and sparks of electricity from the shredded wiring.

In return, an unexpected headache hit him like a krogan headbutt, with a stinging pain in both temples, white lights flashing in front of his eyes, making him feel nauseous and dizzy. He dropped to his knees and squeezed his eyes shut.

The headache and nausea had stayed with him after he’d woken up, and even though not nearly as bad as he’d imagined it in his dream it wasn’t much of an incentive to get out of bed either. Something else that had stayed with him were the questions that had crept into his mind all too often lately. The doubts. That thing between Shepard and him, had it ever really been what he’d seen it as? Or had it merely been circumstance? Convenience? Triggered by the notion that it was pretty likely that neither of them would make it out of this war alive. It might just have ended a couple of weeks after V-Day, with death no longer looming over them.

He sat up slowly, closing his eyes for a moment before getting to his feet and switching on the newsfeed, hoping to be spared from hearing Shepard’s name.

Of course not. He turned off the sound and went to make himself a coffee. Five cups left, and coffee had become scarce with the world still stumbling through the rubble the Reapers had left behind. He might have to change his habits.

He’d slept late and on the other side of the windows the night had long disappeared. Another beautiful day, it seemed. Coffee in hand he sat down to send a message to Dr. Ledbetter, inquiring what it would take to get him back into active service. It had been three months now, way too long, it wasn’t doing him any good.

He didn’t even know how he’d got here. Sure, Shepard’s death had been hard on him. But he’d been ok. He’d returned to active duty as soon as he’d been discharged from the hospital. He’d accepted that he was grieving, but he’d been coping, getting over it. Until suddenly, he hadn’t. Months later, it had hit him with a force that had brought him to his knees. And it had shown: He’d become impatient, angry, gotten drunk a little too often, picked a couple of fights, made some rash decisions out on the field, reckless even. Not quite himself, Hackett had called it, and showing behaviour not appropriate for his name and position. The way Kaidan saw it, he’d gotten off lightly with merely being forced into sick leave.

But it was time to move on now. Start moving again.

The headaches were already subsiding, he’d been lucky this time. He’d been about to switch off the newsfeed, but instead he turned up the volume when he saw a poor quality recording of a very familiar creature: a geth.

“ _... that refers to itself as Phalanx has been politely asking for directions to the nearest Alliance base_ ”, the field reporter declared before her own face appeared on the screen to end the segment. “ _Its intentions and whether it actually reached its destination are unknown as of yet but you can count on us to keep you informed about any new developments. This is Geneve Copeman for Earth One – still going strong._ ”

The feed switched back to the studio, where in an array of screens they had already assembled a couple of experts on ... well, whatever this was.

Kaidan grabbed his tablet from the table – no new messages. Either not even Liara had known about this or she’d simply given up talking to him. Honestly, he wouldn’t have been too surprised. He hadn’t been a delight to be around lately.

He opened up their message history, the last one being his: _“I didn’t need to know that.”_

_“How can it still be”_ , he typed, hesitating with the next word, but then still going for his initial choice, _“alive?”_

When the notification light lit up the next second it wasn’t a reply from Liara, but from Dr. Ledbetter. That had been fast, he’d thought she’d be busier. The message said there’d be a couple of forms to fill in, all of which she’d already attached. Physical examination, psych evaluation.

“Bring it on”, he said to himself.

The incident that had sent him into sick leave would also have to be discussed, she’d added at the end of her message. He’d expected as much.

Then Liara’s reply popped up. _“I don’t know. But if it really survived, you realize what this means, don’t you?”_

No, actually he hadn’t realized that at all before he’d read her message. But he did now: If the geth hadn’t been wiped out, chances were, neither had the Reapers.

_“Where are you these days?”_ , Kaidan replied. _“I’d like to see you.”_

He wasn’t quite sure what had triggered this, probably the thought that it might not be over yet after all. A familiar face, someone who’d been there, had seen it all go down, he needed that now. And Liara had always been a good friend.

_“I’ll arrange for something. I’ll let you know”_ , she replied.


	3. Ascension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is "Ascension" by Dynazty

This night was different. He’d actually hoped his dreams wouldn’t take him back to the past at all, but if so, definitely not like this. Until now he’d always become conscious to a quiet situation that had given him time to acclimatize himself to his sleep reality, but this time he found himself in full armour, assault rifle in hand, back to a wall. He felt the adrenaline, the rush of battle, his mind desperately trying to focus on the situation while still taking in his surroundings.

He didn't even hear the shot before it hit him. The impact threw him to the ground, and long before the pain set in he could feel blood soaking his shirt underneath the armour.

“Kaidan!”, he heard Shepard call out.

More gunshots.

_“I got you covered”_ , Garrus’ voice came in over the comms.

Kaidan lifted his hand to his throat in an instinctive attempt to remove whatever seemed to be pressing down on him, making it hard to breathe. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Shepard running towards him, then dropping to his knees and sliding into cover right next to him. He felt Shepard’s hand grab his arm and pull him closer, then more gunshots followed, the Commander kneeling next to him, shooting at the enemy.

Kaidan looked up at the ceiling, trying to focus on breathing while he felt like someone had their hands around his throat, choking him.

_“All clear”_ , he heard Garrus say.

“Kaidan”, Shepard said again, calmer now, leaning over him.

Kaidan could hardly keep his eyes open, and the ‘I’m ok’ he wanted to reply with didn’t quite make it out of his mouth either.

“You’ll be ok”, Shepard said it for him. “We’ll get you back to the Normandy.”

With that said, Shepard pulled him up and onto his shoulders to carry him towards the exit of whatever building this was, while Kaidan was watching his own blood running along the armour plates on his left arm, dripping onto the ground.

_If you die in your dream, you die in real life._ Wherever he’d heard or read that – he was pretty sure he was about to find out.

He blacked out before they’d even reached the building’s entrance.

Dying in his dream had obviously not killed him in reality but simply sent him into a deep, dreamless sleep, it turned out a few hours later when he woke up to the first rays of sunlight falling through the cabin windows. He got up, stretched, switched on the newsfeed, turned off the sound, made a cup of coffee. Standard routine. For three more days now, at least as far as the coffee was concerned.

He scrolled through his messages, stopping at Liara’s from last night, so late he’d already been asleep. She’d invited him out to dinner, tonight. A lot sooner than he’d expected.

_“Looking forward to seeing you”_ , he replied.

He scratched his chin and determined he’d definitely have to shave. A haircut would have been a good idea as well.

Sipping his coffee, he watched the silent newsfeed still running the same footage of the geth they’d been broadcasting the day before. Maybe Liara would have some more insight on this. He couldn’t deny that he was curious, but if that geth had ever found the Alliance base it had been looking for, they’d rather try to deny its existence than release any information about it to the public. And that was what he was: just another civilian. For the time being, at least.

He finished his coffee, rinsed the mug, put it back on the counter and went to take a scrutinizing look at himself in the bathroom mirror. Well, he’d looked better, but he’d also looked worse. That beard had to go, though. He ran his right hand over the stubble, down his throat, and stopped when he spotted the scar in the mirror. On the left side, above his collarbone, just below the collar of his shirt, there was a thick, reddish scar. He stepped closer to the mirror, feeling the scarred tissue with his fingertips and squinting his eyes as he examined it. He’d wanted to put it down to something else, a scratch maybe that he hadn’t noticed, but this didn’t look like something new. This was old. This was an old scar. One he didn’t remember having.

Liara smiled at him as soon as she spotted him, and he couldn’t help but return her smile.

“Kaidan”, she said softly. “It’s good to see you.”

She hugged him, and it felt nice. It had been a while since anyone had hugged him.

“Good to see you, too”, he said.

It was busier here than he’d expected. Rebuilding was going well, and while parts of the city still lay in ruins, others flourished with life more than ever before. Apparently people were in dire need of distraction these days, and many of them were out on the brightly lit streets tonight, forming crowds in front of clubs and bars, talking, drinking, laughing.

“I heard you’re planning on returning to active duty?”, Liara asked once they’d found a table in a bar that didn’t have music blasting.

“Can’t keep anything from you, can I?”, Kaidan replied with a smile.

“I keep an eye on my friends.”

“Yeah, I think it’s... about time”, he said. “So much work to be done, I should be part of that.”

They ordered drinks from the small selection the bar offered but passed on the food for now.

“Once you’re reinstated, you should submit your project for review once more”, Liara said.

Kaidan nodded. He’d told Liara about it, and about how they’d rejected it. No resources. More important matters. Neither had changed, so he had his doubts they’d reconsider their decision.

“I know how much it means to you”, Liara said. “Don’t give up on it yet.”

Yes, it did mean a lot to him. Not too many people agreed with him, quite a few found it outright ridiculous. But to him the mere idea that these husks still roaming around everywhere might have even a shred of their consciousness left in them was an unbearable thought. A personal one, too, with his own father still listed MIA. It was their duty as human beings to take them out, all of them.

“So”, Kaidan said once the three soldiers seated next to them had vacated their table. “Know anything?”

Liara cast a cautious glance around. “It’s at the Paris Alliance Base”, she then told him, making sure not to drop the word _geth_. “It claims that it sustained heavy damage during the final assault, shut down for repairs, and booted back up again a year later. It also said there were other survivors.”

“So it’s authentic?”, Kaidan asked.

“If it wasn’t, wouldn’t officials already be all over the media debunking it?”, Liara replied. “And it’s not so unlikely. Everyone was quick to believe that it was over once and for all because they wanted to believe in it. But there were so many Reapers out there, and there might be even more waiting in dark space. I have always had my doubts.”

“But you haven’t heard anything specific?”, Kaidan asked.

“No”, she said. “Not yet.”

“You’ll let me know if you do, yeah?”

“Of course”, she said.

“Oh, uhm... I wanted to ask you a favour”, he changed the subject.

“What do you need?”

“My medical records. I want to look into them, but turns out they’re so classified not even I get to see them.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Appreciate it”, he said, adding an explanation even though she hadn’t demanded one: “I heard it’s a good idea to prepare for the psych evaluation. Might give me some hints on what they’ll be watching out for.”

“I’m sure you’ll do fine”, Liara said.

“You have more faith in me than I do”, Kaidan said, wondering how she’d see things if he casually asked her about the possibilities of travelling back in time in your sleep, getting shot and waking up with a scar to prove it.

Kaidan wasn’t even surprised to receive her message with his medical records attached as soon as he set foot in his cabin again, merely a little over an hour after they had parted ways. He took off his jacket, sat down at the table, opened up the files and began scrolling through them. Psychological assessments – he’d have a look at those later. Implant checkups. Physical examinations. Injuries. Sorted by date and location, there weren’t even that many. His eyes wandered over the places listed and stopped at the only one that didn’t ring a bell: Xawin.

He tapped on the entry to view the details: bullet wound, upper thorax, left. Initial medical treatment: Dr. Chakwas, SSV Normandy SR-1. Follow-up treatment: Dr. Jibane, Huerta Memorial Hospital, Citadel.

“Ok”, he said to himself, leaning back in his chair. He had no recollection of this happening, other than that dream the night before. So there were two possible explanations: Either he had gone back in time in his sleep, or he was simply losing his mind. He knew which option he’d have preferred, and it wasn’t the one that sounded rational.

When he woke up, the bright lights in the Normandy’s med-bay had been dimmed down.

“Lieutenant?”, he heard the familiar voice of Dr. Chakwas before she entered his field of vision. “Good, you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

“Been worse”, he whispered and cleared his throat.

“I’ve patched you up, it wasn’t quite as bad as it looked. Broken collarbone, and the impact of the ammunition used did a good job knocking the wind out of you. I still want to keep an eye on you for tonight. And it wouldn’t be the worst idea to take a day off to recover”, Chakwas said. “The Commander wants to get you looked at on the Citadel before we head to Noveria either way.”

“No”, Kaidan objected. “I don’t think that will be necessary.”

“You’ll have to sort that out with him”, she said. “He’ll be wanting to speak with you anyway.”

She turned away and walked out, the door closing behind her, probably gone to fetch Shepard.

“Glad to see you’re doing better”, Shepard said as he entered the med-bay just a few minutes later. “And there I was hoping you’d get a little timeout before going on your next rampage through my ship.”

Oh yeah, right... the console. If this was real, he’d have some explaining to do. It’s not real, it’s a dream, idiot, his common sense told him. Shut up, brain, Kaidan thought. No matter how irrational the idea was – on the off chance that this was real, he’d have to be a lot more careful.

“I’m sorry”, Kaidan said. “I didn’t...” Know whether this was reality? Not the greatest defence strategy. “I’m really sorry I did this.”

“I’ll have to put it on my own behaviour the other night”, Shepard said. “We’ll find some rug to sweep it under and get it fixed next time we’re on the Citadel.”

Kaidan still felt the need to explain himself. Not here, though. Not now.

“Could we talk about this later?”, he asked. “Uhm... in private.”

Shepard nodded. “So, what happened down there?”, he asked. “You’re usually not the type to get themselves shot.”

Kaidan didn’t really have a good explanation ready. He hadn’t even had time to realize where he was and what he was doing before the bullet had hit him. “I misjudged”, he said. “I was too slow.”

“Why?”, Shepard asked, not letting him off the hook yet. “If there are any medical problems or anything that’s distracting you, I need to know.”

“No”, Kaidan said, suspecting what Shepard might believe could be distracting him. “Nothing. I simply misjudged.”

“You got lucky”, Shepard said.

“Seems my number wasn’t up yet”, Kaidan said.

“Get some rest. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Getting rest was easier said than done when he was determined to stay awake. The way things had played out so far, he was sure that once he’d fall asleep here he’d wake up back to reality without a clue when or even if he’d return. Before that happened, he had to make sure that Shepard would not throw him off the Normandy for not putting his mind on what he was doing on the battle field. Or for destroying parts of the ship in a fit of anger. And he wanted to tell him that he was not to blame for either.

Dr. Chakwas released him from her care the next morning, not without reminding him to take it slow for a while. She’d also told him to have some breakfast and that she’d keep an eye on him. So, certainly not wanting to get on her bad side, first thing he did after grabbing a new shirt from the locker was to walk over to the mess and heat up a plate of food. He’d blindly grabbed one without even bothering to see what it was, it didn’t matter, they all tasted bad in their own way.

Shepard’s message took him by surprise, but since he was basically right outside his quarters anyway, Kaidan followed his invitation, even though he’d have preferred a quick shower right now.

“Kaidan”, Shepard greeted him casually as he stepped inside. “No matter how great you might be feeling, you’re still going to let them have a look at you on the Citadel. I need you at a hundred percent.”

“Aye, Commander”, Kaidan replied without thinking, albeit noticing that this time Shepard didn’t remind him they’d already dropped the rank.

“You wanted to talk”, Shepard said, leaning back against his desk, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Kaidan wasn’t so sure anymore. Shepard seemed rather distant all of a sudden. It made him wonder whether it was too late, whether he’d already screwed this up. He’d thought about it often during the past year – if only he’d said something sooner, then at least they’d have had more time. But he wouldn’t have, because he hadn’t known this man. Now he did.

“I just need you to know that... the other night, that had nothing to do with you”, Kaidan said. “It was me. An instinctive reaction. Because of... the way I am.”

He’d always wanted to tell Shepard about this, but the time had never seemed right. Maybe now it was.

_“Commander?”_ , Joker’s voice came in over the comm systems. _“Scanners picked up something you might want to take a look at.”_

Ok, so obviously, once again, this wasn’t the right time.

“I’ll be right up”, Shepard replied, the tone of his voice not reflecting how annoyed he looked at that moment. “If I didn’t know that this is basically the only room he can’t listen in on, I’d swear he was”, he added towards Kaidan. “We’ll talk later, ok?”

“Yeah”, Kaidan said, giving Shepard a head start before following him up to the flight deck.

“Whoever sent out that distress call has probably been chewed up and shit out by some giant thresher maw long ago”, Joker said as Kaidan entered the cockpit, followed by a quick “Sorry” upon noticing the look Shepard gave him.

“Given the environment, it _is_ unlikely that there are still survivors almost a year after activation”, Pressly said.

“We have to check”, Shepard said, activating the comms. “Garrus, Ashley, gear up.”

“I can come, too”, Kaidan said. He didn’t remember this happening. Was this new? Had something changed? Him getting shot and them backtracking to the Citadel as a result instead of heading straight to Noveria, that certainly had changed.

“Definitely not”, Shepard said and walked past him.

Kaidan followed him through the door and down the stairs. “Shepard”, he said and reached out to grab his arm.

When Shepard turned around, the look on his face made it clear to Kaidan that he was about to cross a line. He couldn’t even tell why he felt the need to hold him back, but not knowing what was waiting for them down there made him uneasy. However, he was well aware that Shepard wouldn’t discuss this with him. So he settled for a mere “Be careful.”

Shepard didn’t say he would. He never had, not making promises he knew he couldn’t keep.


	4. If It Bleeds We Can Kill It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "If It Bleeds We Can Kill It" by Dragony.
> 
> And I wanted to thank you guys for hitting that kudos button and even leaving a comment, it feels good to know that someone is actually reading this, I really appreciate it.

They were going to drop down in the Mako, and Kaidan had taken his seat next to Joker even though he wouldn’t need him for this. Actually, Joker didn’t really need him for anything here, the cockpit was all his domain.

“Approaching drop zone, Commander”, Joker said.

_“Good to go”_ , Shepard replied.

“Ok! Throwing you off my ship in three, two, one, go”, Joker announced while keeping the Normandy low over the barren planet below them. It was a frozen, rocky desert, devoid of any signs of life despite the ship that had apparently crash landed at the foot of the mountain range ahead. A salarian freighter, by the looks of it.

_“We’re down”_ , Shepard announced over the comms while the Normandy was already pulling back up again to get clear of the wind shears.

“Alright”, Joker confirmed. “Looks lovely down there, send me a postcard.”

_“Will do.”_

The wind was pushing dust devils made up of frozen sand across the planet’s surface, and it was getting darker rapidly.

“Hell of an effort for finding some deep-frozen bodies”, Joker said.

Kaidan kept quiet, though he couldn’t deny that he had a point.

For about half an hour everything went by the book: the ground team reported in regularly, letting them know they’d reached the ship, were going in to investigate, had found no survivors, but no bodies either.

Along with the weather, the radio interference kept getting worse, and Kaidan felt himself tense up. He still had a bad feeling about all of this.

“Shore party, come in”, Joker tried to call them after waiting for what seemed a bit too long to hear from them again. “Just checking in to see if you guys are doing alright.”

There was no reply.

“Shore party, do you copy?”, he tried again after what might have been two minutes, but listening to the silence on the comms had seemed so much longer.

“They might need help”, Kaidan broke his silence.

“Commander can handle himself”, Joker merely said, nonetheless trying to get in touch with them for a third time. Still no reply.

“Can you bring her in for a low flyover?”, Pressly suggested.

“Sure thing”, Joker said.

The Mako was parked right next to the stranded ship, difficult to spot through the sandstorms, and there was no movement to be seen anywhere.

“Normandy to shore party”, Pressly tried his luck while Joker took the ship back for another even lower flyover. “Do you read?”

That was when the comms came to life, first only with static, but then with Ashley’s voice.

_“... swarming... -ting backup... -arated... evac asap.”_

Kaidan jumped up from his seat, looking at Pressly expectantly.

“Shore party, repeat, what’s your status?”, Pressly tried the comms again, receiving only static as a reply and finally turning his attention to Kaidan. “You’re fit for duty, Lieutenant?”, he asked.

“Absolutely, Sir”, Kaidan replied.

“Get two men and gear up”, Pressly said before turning to Joker again. “Moreau, we need to find a spot to land her.”

Kaidan jogged across the deck, down the stairs, spotting one of the marines sitting at the table in the mess.

“Fredricks, gear up”, he called over to the young man while walking past him towards the med-bay. “Shore party needs backup.”

He nodded at Dr. Chakwas as he passed her on his way to find Liara.

The asari looked up from her desk as he entered the room, a curious expression on her face.

“Liara, shore party needs backup”, Kaidan said, briefly wondering whether they even were on a first name basis. They couldn’t have spoken too much yet. “Some biotic expertise might come in handy down there.”

“Yes, certainly”, Liara said and stood up. “What is the situation?”

“Unclear”, Kaidan replied on their way to the elevator. “Comms are bad, no visuals of any hostiles, Williams requested backup.”

“Why not the Commander?”, Liara voiced the thought that had been lingering on Kaidan’s mind.

“Don’t know”, was all he could give her as an answer.

Kaidan was in full armour, his left glove clicking into place, when Joker’s voice came in through the comm systems: _“Alenko – landing anywhere close is a no-go. Prefer taking a hike or a leap?”_

“We’ll go with the leap”, Kaidan replied.

_“Understood, get ready, will count you down”,_ Joker said, and, apparently directed at Pressly standing next to him, he added: _“See? Told ya.”_

Kaidan grabbed his assault rifle, threw a quick glance at his two teammates to confirm they were ready, and then made his way towards the hatch through which they usually dropped the Mako.

“Joker, we’re good to go”, he let their pilot know.

_“Opening the hatch”,_ Joker confirmed and with a low rumble the heavy metal hatch started moving, revealing the planet surface which by now seemed to be nothing but sand and snow swirling through the air, so dense they couldn’t even see the ground. _“Will drop you off on top of the ship, low as I can get”_ , Joker informed them. _“Gravity is at zero point seven, you’re a go in... twenty seconds.”_

Kaidan had a feeling that visibility wasn’t going to get any better and they’d just have to jump blindly into the void. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Joker, but timing the landing of a jump without even seeing the ground was not the easiest thing to pull off. At least the surface gravity was in their favour.

_“In five, four, three, two, go.”_

Kaidan jumped first, Fredricks and Liara following suit before he’d even hit the ground. He managed an almost perfect roll upon landing on the ship’s hull, ending up back on his feet again, and reached out a hand to Liara to pull her up.

The wind was strong and visibility was still bad, and when he attempted to activate the comms in his helmet he only got static, proving that even their close range communication succumbed to the interference caused by the storm.

Kaidan activated his mag boots for a better footing against the storm gusts and signalled his two teammates to stay close as he started walking along the ship’s hull, looking for any sort of entrance. They’d have a hard time spotting the Mako through all the sand and snow in the air anyway, so if there was a way in from up here, he’d gladly take it.

It was Fredricks who gestured at him from a few meters to his right, letting him know that he’d found something. It looked like a maintenance hatch, and Kaidan gave him a thumbs up in agreement and readied his weapon just in case, while Fredricks knelt down to open the hatch. He pulled at the latch, jiggled it, hit it with the buttstock of his rifle, then shook his head in defeat. Liara walked up to him, put a hand on his shoulder and motioned him to step back. Kaidan had always admired her biotic skills for their subtlety, and she didn’t disappoint when she opened the latch with a small burst of blue light, just enough force to obtain the desired result. Sure, he could have opened it, too, but it would probably have sent the whole door flying off into the storm.

Fredricks pulled open the hatch, took a look inside, and then signalled Kaidan that he would go in first before jumping down the hole, rifle in hand. The drop wasn’t too far, and once inside they at least didn’t have to deal with the wind anymore. Kaidan deactivated his mag boots, switching on his rifle’s flashlight. With the hatch closed behind them, it was completely dark in here.

“No damage to the hull”, Fredricks said. “This looks good for a crash.”

“Maybe it wasn’t a crash, but a landing”, Kaidan replied. So at least close-range comms were back online, still riddled with interference that seemed to be getting worse with every meter of distance between them, but usable. “Shepard? Ash, Garrus? Anyone read me?”, he tried to contact their ground party but got no reply.

They followed the maintenance catwalk they’d ended up on until they reached a ladder that allowed them to climb down onto the deck. When they reached the doors at the front, they all came to a halt, hearing the noise from the next room.

“Gunshots”, Liara said.

Kaidan nodded and took position to the left side of the door while Fredricks remained on the right side. Liara took a few steps backwards to stand next to a metal beam for cover before firing a burst of glowing blue at the doors, making them slide open from afar.

Husks. The room was full of them. Dead on the ground, half-dead and crawling across the floor, running towards – Ashley. She was holed up in the far right corner of the room, and even before Kaidan took aim, a husk running towards her went down with a single shot, giving away Garrus’ position, perched atop a ladder on the opposite side of the room.

“Glad you could join the party!”, the turian greeted them before taking out another husk with a well-aimed shot.

Despite the fact that Garrus’ armour was missing the left shoulder plate and he seemed to be bleeding from a wound below, he was fine up there for now, Kaidan decided, Ashley was in a worse position. It only took one look in Liara’s direction and she sent a biotic wave across the room, making several husks topple over and giving the three of them enough space to make it to Ashley.

“Doing alright there?”, Kaidan asked as he crouched into cover next to her.

“Took a couple of hits. Gun’s gone bust”, she replied amidst shots being fired and biotic bursts flying across the room. “Should have brought a spare.”

“Where’s Shepard?”, Kaidan asked.

“We split up to search the ship”, Ashley explained. “He went further back. Suddenly the husks started coming in, we tried to find him, but we were overrun.”

“Can you walk?”, Kaidan asked, giving her battered armour a scrutinizing look.

“Might need some help, but yes.”

“Ok. You’re getting out of here”, Kaidan said and handed her his assault rifle. “Back to the Mako. Wait for us there as long as you can. If you can’t wait any longer, leave. I’m going after Shepard.”

Ashley looked at the rifle, then at him.

“Biotic”, he reminded her. “Don’t need it as much as you do. Liara, you go with them. Fredricks with me.”

They’d taken out a few more husks, then they split up: Garrus, Ashley and Liara retreating, Kaidan moving further in, shoulder to shoulder with the marine. He’d never known Fredricks well, but he definitely was a good shot and a reliable soldier to have at your side.

“Shepard, you read me?”, Kaidan tried the comms, hoping to at least figure out whether they were getting closer to him. It was a big ship, several decks, he could be anywhere. And that was exactly why walking off alone typically just wasn’t that great an idea.

They’d entered yet another eerily empty and dark segment, apparently leaving the cargo decks behind. This looked like a makeshift housing area with rows and rows of metal bed frames welded to the floor.

“This ain’t no freighter”, Fredricks stated.

“Slaver would be my first guess”, Kaidan said.

“Fucking hell... a ship this size?”, Fredricks said, looking around the vast room.

Kaidan stopped when the comms came to life. “Shepard? That you?”, he asked and started walking again, trying to get closer to get rid of the interference. “Shepard? Do you copy?”

_“Kaidan?”_ He could barely make out his name, but as they were jogging towards the next door, the connection got more stable.

“Where are you?”, Kaidan asked.

_“What the fuck are you doing here?”_ , Shepard replied. _“You’re off duty.”_

“Just trying to save your sorry ass, Commander”, Kaidan replied. “We’re passing through some sort of sleeping area right now.”

_“Watch your step”_ , Shepard said. _“Floors are a bit unsafe after the next door. And there might still be husks around. Don’t think I got them all.”_

“Where are you?”, Kaidan repeated his question.

_“Basement.”_

They’d reached the doors and once they slid open, Kaidan got a clearer picture of what Shepard had been referring to as ‘basement’: There were a couple of gaping holes in the ship’s hull, but the floor looked a lot worse, the metal grid torn out in large areas and barely holding together, providing a view onto the lower deck. Calling that ‘a bit unsafe’ was definitely an understatement. He wouldn’t even have called it a floor.

A shot echoed from below.

_“And another one down”,_ Shepard said. _“Could use a hand getting out of here, though.”_

“I’ll go down, you wait here”, Kaidan said to Fredricks. “Might need your help getting back up.”

“Understood”, Fredricks said, casting a glance around. There were no husks to be seen, but that was just the thing about husks – once you saw them, they might already have you surrounded.

Kaidan let his eyes wander along the grid of massive steel beams that had once been the support structure of this deck’s floor. Compared to the rest of the flooring they still looked pretty reliable – aside from the part in the center, where a hole of at least six meters in diameter allowed a mountain of rubble to creep up from the deck below. His way down.

Climbing down over the debris would have been tricky enough if he had at least been able to see something, but not a lot of the remaining daylight made it down into the underbelly of the ship, buried deep in the frozen sand. He cursed under his breath when a piece of metal gave way under his boot, almost making him lose his footing.

“How the hell did you even get down there...”

_“Gravity”_ , Shepard stated dryly.

Kaidan’s eyes were getting used to the darkness, making the best of what little light fell in from above. He spotted Shepard on the ground, rifle in hand, right leg buried under a steel beam, pinning him down.

“Always great to see you”, Shepard greeted him.

Kaidan hesitated for a second, wondering whether anything else might come crashing down if he lifted up that beam, but then decided that even if so – he’d catch it. He took a deep breath and focused a biotic burst on the heavy piece of steel, lifting it up as slowly and gently as he could instead of just yanking it away, and holding it steady while Shepard crawled out.

“Appreciate it”, Shepard said, getting up from the ground by awkwardly propping himself on his right elbow, gun in his left hand. “Used this one to break the fall”, he declared, lifting up his right hand.

“I suggest we head back to the Normandy”, Kaidan said.

“Agreed.”

“Leg’s good?”

“Yeah, just the hand...”, Shepard muttered.

The way down hadn’t exactly been fun, but climbing up looked like a much bigger task now, standing at the foot of the mountain of sand, rocks, scrap metal, and broken crates.

“I think I could lift you up there”, Kaidan suggested.

“Oh, alright, let’s do that. As for you, I’ll just leave you here and requisition myself a new biotic, I guess?”

Yes, Shepard was obviously annoyed. He’d always tended to get a bit cranky when things didn’t go his way.

“Liara could get me out.”

“How come you guys can lift others but not yourselves, actually?”

“Biotics already are superheroes as it is, it would just make people too jealous if we could fly”, Kaidan said.

Shepard smiled briefly. “Shouldn’t be that hard to climb up”, he then said, holstering his gun to his armour.

The first few steps of his attempt to climb back up looked rather promising, until an unstable pile of scrap iron shifted beneath his weight, sending him to his knees and making him slide further down again. Kaidan readied himself to lift him up, convinced together with Fredricks up there they’d surely be able to find a rope or a ladder to help him get out as well, when he heard a low groaning sound behind them. The sound of a husk.

He whirled around, unleashing the energy at the enemy instead, lifting the creature up high into the air and then hurling it at the back wall with enough force to dent the ship’s hull. For a second there was silence, but then the groaning sound returned a hundredfold.

“Not good”, Kaidan said.

Shepard was back on his feet, gun in his left hand again, and took a few steps towards Kaidan, close enough for the shoulder plates of their armours to touch. They were in a bad spot here, in the middle of a rather open and badly illuminated area, the perfect position to be overrun from all sides.

_“Commander?”_ , Fredricks asked over the comms.

“Hostile contact”, Shepard said calmly. “Hold position.”

Kaidan spotted a single husk taking a run at them from his right, turned, lifted the creature up and smashed it into the ground. He could feel Shepard against his back, ready to take charge of his half of the room, and then the hordes started pouring in.

He lifted one of the husks, flinging it sideways into another group, making them topple over like bowling pins, while hearing Shepard firing at those coming from the other direction. He focused on the groans and footsteps in the darkness, taking them out one by one, and a feeling of calmness engulfed him. I got this, he thought. We got this. Standing back to back, completely relying on each other, they’d get through this, no matter how many husks this ship had left to send at them.

And it were many, the sheer masses reminding him of parts of the Battle of London, only reduced to a much more confined space. It had taken him a while to figure out that they were coming from another deck below them, a storage deck for husk battalions, by the looks of it.

_“Commander, Lieutenant? You alright?”_ , Fredricks asked, apparently beginning to get a little anxious up there.

“Smooth sailing”, Shepard replied.

It was. Still, when the last husk went down, Kaidan dropped to his knees along with it, Shepard’s hand on his shoulder almost instantly.

“You ok?”, he asked.

“Yeah, just spent”, Kaidan said, blinking the sweat from his eyes.

“All clear”, Shepard said while grabbing him by his arm to help him back to his feet.

_“You must be kidding me”_ , Kaidan heard Garrus’ voice over the comms. _“We really missed all the fun?”_

Kaidan smiled to himself. Of course Garrus hadn’t contented himself with sitting in the Mako and waiting. It would take a lot more than a bleeding wound and impending death by an undead army for that turian to consider leaving Shepard behind.

He was thankful that Liara was there to get them both to the upper deck – his knees felt weak, climbing wouldn’t have been a great idea when merely walking gave him trouble enough. Apparently Garrus had picked up on this and kept walking right next to him on their way out of the ship, twice quickly reaching over when Kaidan’s legs almost gave in under him.

Another thing he considered himself lucky for was that Shepard with his battered hand actually let Ashley drive the Mako back to where the Normandy would hopefully spot them and pick them up again. When it came to driving this thing, anyone but him was usually the best choice.

_“Welcome back”_ , Joker greeted them over the comms as soon as the Mako was safely back on board and the hatch had closed. _“You took your sweet time, I was considering leaving without you. But, you know, I’d have missed you guys too much. Would have broken my heart.”_

“Likewise”, Shepard replied, grimacing as he removed the glove from his right hand. “Anyone who needs to, go see Chakwas”, he then told his team. “The rest of you, do whatever you want, I’ll call you back in for debrief.”

What Kaidan really wanted right now was to finally hit the showers. He’d been shot, spent a night in med-bay and then killed a hundred husks in these sweat-soaked pants, all he longed for by now was to burn them.

He’d forgotten about the tightly calculated hot water rations on this ship, but tired as he was, cold water hadn’t been that bad anyway. Looking at himself in the mirror now, a shave was called for as well, but he honestly didn’t feel like it. And it wasn’t really his job, was it? He would leave it to past-Kaidan to take care of that.

He grinned at himself in the mirror. He hadn’t expected that going insane would be such a wild ride.

When he heard the door slide open, he dropped the grin and turned his head. Shepard, annoyed look on his face, wrist splint on his right hand.

“Wrecked your shooting hand?”, Kaidan asked.

“Nah, should work fine”, Shepard said. “Just gonna have to wear this thing for a couple of days.”

“Good to hear”, Kaidan said, turning to leave.

“Good work down there today”, Shepard said.

Kaidan nodded, walking past him towards the door.

“Alenko!”, Shepard called him back, holding out the dog tags he’d left lying next to the sink.

“Ah, right, thanks”, Kaidan said, taking them from his hand and putting them back around his neck.

“Tracer tags. Fancy”, Shepard said.

“Yeah... for my mother’s sake, really.”

“Didn’t they discontinue those like... ages ago?”

“Service is still up, though”, Kaidan said. “So as long as I don’t die in the shower, they’ll find me.”

Shepard smiled, and Kaidan went on his way to the mess hall to get something to eat. He knew he needed some sleep, but he just didn’t want to leave yet.

He took the upmost tray from the left cupboard, heated it up and only checked what he’d gotten when he sat down at the table: Rice with bits of unrecognizable vegetables and some oddly coloured meatballs. The good thing about not checking the meals beforehand was that if you ended up with something really awful, at least it was fate rather than your own damn fault.

Shepard had apparently taken the same approach today, as became clear when he unenthusiastically slid a tray across the table before sitting down on the chair it had ended up in front of. “What even is this...”, he said to himself, giving the food a scrutinizing look before he started eating, his question probably to remain unanswered.

“What were you doing being part of a shore party?”, Shepard asked right when Kaidan had no longer expected him to strike up a conversation.

“Uhm... Ashley requested backup”, Kaidan said.

“You were off duty. Injured”, Shepard said. “You didn’t know if you were one hundred percent fit. There were others who could have taken your place. This was reckless behaviour.”

Kaidan felt his jaw tighten, about to object and justify himself, but kept his mouth shut. He was too hard-headed, too keen on debating. His superiors had told him before, always accompanied by the advice to work on changing his ways.

“Got something to say?”, Shepard asked.

Well, he’d asked. “Permission to speak freely?”

Shepard tried to hide it, but Kaidan could tell from his expression that he was mentally rolling his eyes at him. “Granted”, he said. “Stop asking that already and just please do speak your mind.”

“Ok, well... you really screwed up down there today. Splitting up to investigate the ship? Seriously?”

“Looked deserted”, Shepard explained himself.

“Yeah, definitely the first time that some place looked deserted only to be swarming with husks or geth or whatever else a few minutes later. How could you have foreseen.”

Shepard grinned at him. “You’re mad”, he said. “So you do care.”

“Wha... I... care? Of course I care about...”, Kaidan said, swallowing the _you_ that had been about to follow.

“Do you? You’re all over the place. One moment it’s that look you throw me, that smile, all that concern. Next moment it’s ‘Commander’ and ‘permission to speak freely’. For the life of me – I can’t figure you out, Alenko.”

“You’re my CO, and a fellow soldier. Reason enough to care.”

“That’s all, is it?”, Shepard asked.

“I... don’t know. I’m just... not sure if this is the right time. If it’s meant to be. Now.”

“Meant to be now?”, Shepard asked, shaking his head in defeat. “There I go telling you I can’t figure you out and you just keep throwing even more cryptic stuff at me.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why? Fraternization regs bothering you? Or something more personal? Not sure yet if you’re gay or straight? Or just afraid to admit it?”

Ok, that one stung. And he wasn’t going to take that, not even from Shepard. “I’m an Alliance marine, Sir”, Kaidan said defiantly, holding his gaze. “Proud of who I am. Not afraid. Not ashamed.”

Shepard nodded, leaning back in his chair, and Kaidan smiled to himself, satisfied with the fact that he’d apparently left the Commander impressed.

“I’ve actually never felt the need to label myself”, he said then. “In the end I think I just fall in love with a person, not letting myself be restricted by physical specifics too much.”

Oh, shit. He’d said it. Love. That might still be a bit much for him to stomach at this point in time.

“Hm. Interesting”, Shepard said, either not even having noticed his choice of words or not attributing to them the weight they actually carried. “So you might consider, say... a turian?”, he asked.

“The right one, yeah, maybe.”

“Volus?”

Kaidan chuckled.

“Hanar?”

Now Kaidan actually laughed. “Let’s not get carried away.”

“This one has heard quite a few stories about the hanar, actually.”

“Yeah, sure. Just imagining an hour of pillow talk about the Enkindlers.”

“So that’s what you’re into.” Shepard smiled at him, their eyes locking in a silence that could have meant everything or nothing. “Well, I made you laugh. Guess that’s something”, Shepard said and got up from his chair. “Get some sleep”, he added and walked off, leaving his half finished meal on the table.


	5. Black Day Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "Black Day Comes" by Doom Unit

Two more cups of coffee after this one, Kaidan continued the countdown that had become part of his morning routine. Nothing about the geth on the newsfeed, only images of ruins and rebuilding today. Maybe he should give tea a try. Though tea might not really be easier to come by than coffee. What did that leave him with? Hot water?

His omni-tool made one of those annoying sounds that indicated someone was desperate to talk to him. If only it wasn’t his mother. He didn’t feel up to talking to her today. But he’d have to, because if he didn’t answer, she’d worry.

It wasn’t her but Dr. Ledbetter, trying to get a vid-call through, for whatever reason. Kaidan quickly ran a hand through his hair before answering the call.

“Good morning, Major”, she greeted him, a professional smile on her lips. “I’m glad I was able to reach you. How are you today?”

“Doctor Ledbetter”, he said, leaving out the ‘good morning’ on purpose – after all, it was already past ten. “Very well, thank you. And yourself?”

“I’m doing good, thank you.” She smiled at him, the smile looking almost genuine. “I wanted to let you know that it would be possible for you to come in for your psychological evaluation this afternoon”, she said. “At 1600, if it suits your schedule?”

Part of the test, was the first thing Kaidan thought. What other reason would there be for suggesting an appointment at such short notice and checking his reaction to it on a vid-call. “Sure”, he said. “I’ll be at your office at 1600.”

“These evaluations can take up to about three hours, just to let you know”, the doctor said.

They didn’t. He’d known a couple of people who’d gone through one, and it had rarely been longer than an hour. “No problem”, he said.

He still hadn’t taken his mother on that trip off world that he’d promised her. Might be something to take care of before getting back into active service, while he still had the time.

Fifty-four minutes, that was how long it had taken in the end. And they’d gone everywhere – childhood, specific missions, injuries, BAaT and Vyrnnus of course, his latest deployment that had sent him to sick leave, an extensive sightseeing trip through his whole life. Shepard had been mentioned, but it had been obvious that this man sitting opposite from him and asking the questions had no idea that Shepard had been anything else but his CO, so Kaidan had left it at that. None of his business, and not exactly an advantage in this evaluation, probably.

“Kaidan!”

He’d been walking with his eyes on the floor, long steps, headed straight for the building’s exit, not noticing anything around him, when the familiar voice made him stop dead in his tracks and look around, quickly spotting the one asari between all the humans.

Kaidan smiled. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought it would be appropriate for someone to be here and ask you how things went”, Liara said. “So – how did it go?”

“Good, I think”, Kaidan said. “I mean, I didn’t snap or anything. I’m not sure what they were looking for, really.”

“Are you free for dinner?”, she asked. “We did pass on the food last time, after all.”

“Yeah”, he said without giving himself time to think about the offer and possibly decline it. “That would be nice.”

The streets weren’t overly crowded yet, it was still too early for the dancing and drinking crowds. Kaidan quite liked it that way. Not only was it quieter, it also meant there was still some variety left to choose from when they ordered their food.

He was having a good time here, and once he’d finished his second drink and ordered his third, Liara apparently thought it safe to bring up Shepard by handing Kaidan a data pad, asking: “Have you read this?”

It was an article from some magazine he’d never heard of: Saviour of the galaxy – the true story behind Commander Shepard. Kaidan skimmed the text, an amused look on his face, shaking his head every now and then.

“Now that’s a huge load of...”

“Bullshit?”, Liara finished his sentence.

He grinned at her. “Yeah. Bullshit”, he said. “Lover of literature”, he quoted the article. “The man never read anything but comic books and the occasional horror novel.”

Kaidan smiled at the thought, and Liara smiled with him.

“Why do they make up things like that, I wonder”, Liara said, her genuine interest obvious, still always studying the human species. “Why do people want to read this?”

“I don’t know”, Kaidan said, taking a sip from his drink. “It’s like no story is ever tragic enough, no person ever great enough. He’d have given them hell for publishing that. Especially that part that’s trying to make him into some lonesome hero. He always said he couldn’t have done any of it on his own. And I tell you what – that’s right were Cerberus messed up. They wanted a lone wolf, but he never was. He appreciated his crew so much. And a damn fine crew it was.”

“When did you last see them?”, Liara asked.

“Uhm...” Most of them he hadn’t seen at all since almost a year ago now, skilfully avoiding any official gatherings. “I’ve been messaging with some people”, he dodged a direct answer. “Cortez got himself a decommissioned Kodiak, invited me for a test ride. Still have to work up the courage to get on board of that thing. Vega gives updates on the hamster, including pictures. And Garrus sends me a collection of his favourite jokes and anecdotes every couple of weeks.” He had to admit, the communication had been a little one-sided, his replies always rather short and meaningless. And yet, they still hadn’t given up on him. About time he let them know he appreciated that.

“They care for you”, Liara said. “We all do.”

Kaidan nodded, lowering his eyes onto the half emptied glass in front of him.

“When I first joined the Normandy”, Liara said, taking over the talking when he couldn’t find the words, “I hadn’t met many humans. I’d read about them, just like I study everything, but interacting with a ship full of them was a very different experience. You helped me so much, Kaidan. You were so easy to talk to, always willing to explain things to me. I’m very thankful for that.”

Kaidan looked up. “The pleasure was all mine”, he said, meaning it, the three drinks he’d had making him ponder the idea of telling her about those dreams he was having. About the fact that he didn’t believe they were just dreams anymore. “Liara – about Shepard”, he said, her wide blue eyes looking back at him expectantly. “I need to know: If we’d gone back for him, could he have survived?”

“Kaidan... I’m sorry I told you”, she said. “You were right, I shouldn’t have.”

He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I appreciate that you told me”, he said. “I’ve come to realize that I want to know. I need to know how he died. When.”

Liara looked a bit confused, but more concerned. “I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to keep looking into this.”

“I’m sure the Alliance conducted... an autopsy or something”, Kaidan said. “If anything, they’re bureaucratic. They’re thorough and they love their paperwork. So they must have done something like this, and they must have written down everything they found. And if the information exists, you have it.”

The asari looked at him intensely, as if trying to read his mind. “Why?”, she asked eventually. “Why do this to yourself?”

“It has nothing to do with me. I just... it’s...” He nervously licked his lips, returning her gaze. “It’s important. I’m asking you for your help here. As a friend.”

She leaned forward and put her hand on his upper arm, her demeanour oozing concern by now. The kind of concern that got you medical attention. “I’m trying to help you.”

“Liara, I’m ok”, Kaidan said. “I’m good. But I need this information so I can finally come to terms with everything”, he lied. “I need facts to deal with rather than emotions, you know? It will... make things easier for me.”

“Survivor’s guilt”, Shepard said coldly. “That’s all this is. Get over it. Trying to drag me down into that hell with you is not going to help you get out of it.”

Yeah, survivor’s guilt. Kaidan knew a thing or two about that. And he felt it again now, even more painful, because he hadn’t been here in time. Ash was dead, again, and he hadn’t been around to fix it. Granted, he’d have had no idea how to change what had happened on Virmire. Except for a bullet to his own head, of course. Then Shepard would have gone for her instead. But whatever it was that was making him come back here hadn’t even had the decency to let him find out for himself if he’d have gone that far. Instead it had dropped him here, right after the debriefing, when it was already too late. Even too late for him to just keep his mouth shut instead of putting the weight on his own shoulders on those of the man who had been forced to make this decision.

“I had to make a choice”, Shepard said, his voice softer now. “The bomb was the mission. I protected the bomb. The fact that you were with the bomb and Ash had gone with the salarians is just...” He paused, rubbing his eyes. He looked tired. “It’s nothing”, he said, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s not fate or destiny or any sort of divine influence – it’s just the way things went down. Could have gone any other way, but this is what we got and what we’ll have to move on with.”

“I’m sorry”, Kaidan whispered.

Shepard stood in front of him, silent, his empty gaze lost somewhere in the vastness of space beyond the briefing room, outside the ship’s hull, not visible, but always there.

“We’ll talk later”, Shepard muttered eventually, and as he walked away Kaidan noticed for the first time that his stride had lost some of its determination that day.

But it would come back, Kaidan knew that. He’d seen this man rise from the ashes more than once, and he was determined to see it again. He’d change things. He’d go back for him, even if he’d have to hijack the Normandy to do so. He’d find a way.

Kaidan’s thoughts still lingered in the future, contemplating the images from the newsfeed he’d watched before going to sleep late last night after spending the evening with Liara. Seeing Joker in uniform and on the Citadel had made him smile, for it meant that he was still flying for the Alliance. Turning up the volume had quickly made that smile disappear.

“... your reaction to the new insights that Commander Shepard had actually survived the initial explosion on the Citadel?”, the reporter had asked, several of her colleagues also swarming the man, waiting for some more drama to feed their viewers.

“Put it on my résumé right away, experience in leaving your CO to die while getting the hell out yourself is something not only the Alliance is looking for”, Joker had replied.

“How do you feel about your decision now?”

Joker’s face had taken on a stony expression, so very much not like him. “How the fuck do you think it feels?”, he’d said softly before turning away, two C-Sec officers stepping up behind him to keep the reporters off his back.

Kaidan walked across the deck, nodded at Pressly in passing, and then took his seat next to Joker, silently appreciating the view of endless darkness outside the windows for a few minutes.

“How’s it going?”, Kaidan asked eventually.

“Asks the guilt-ridden one staring at space in search of answers”, Joker said.

“Yeah”, Kaidan merely replied. It didn’t happen too often that Joker switched to serious mode; hardly ever, really.

“You know you’re not to blame, Alenko.”

“Yeah.” Neither are you, Kaidan wanted to tell him, but well, it was still a bit early for that. “How long for the Citadel?”

“Six hours”, Joker said. “Time enough to get a little shut-eye. Or get drunk. Whatever you do. Hey, is it true that biotics can’t even get drunk?”

“We need a couple of extra drinks compared to the average person.”

“Ah, well, six hours is a lot of time”, Joker said. “You think the Council will actually listen to us now?”

“No.”

“Nah, I mean, why would they? We’re only trying to save everyone’s ass here, even theirs. The Commander’s so done with them.” Joker grinned. “Keeps disconnecting the calls.”

“Better than shouting at them”, Kaidan said.

“I guess. Don’t know why he even still bothers talking to them.”

Kaidan sat in silence for a while longer, the familiarity of the view of space, the ship’s constant humming and the glowing screens around him soothing his mind. He’d given Shepard almost an hour that Kaidan knew he’d spent with the bottle of bourbon he kept in his cabin. Time enough to cool down.

“You”, Shepard greeted him matter-of-factly, standing right behind his cabin door when it slid open, apparently prepared to scare off anyone who’d dare to show up here.

“I was wondering if you’d appreciate some company”, Kaidan said. “Because I sure would.”

“Company, hm?”, Shepard asked.

“Company”, Kaidan said. “You know, talking, playing cards, watching a game – company.”

“Just admit already that you’re only here for the booze”, Shepard said, taking a step back to allow him inside.

Kaidan smiled weakly, stepping through the door. “Well, if you offer, I’m not going to decline.”

Accepting the filled glass Shepard held out to him, he realized that he’d actually never been in here. The cabin was spacious enough, but it didn’t measure up to Shepard’s quarters on the SR-2. Not even a sofa in here, so watching a game was out.

“Ok, game”, Shepard said, sitting down on the side of the bed.

So obviously watching a game was still in the running.

“Soccer’s ok?”, Shepard asked.

“Sure.”

“And you’re just going to awkwardly stand there for the whole game?”, Shepard asked, nodding towards the bed. “I’ll keep my hands to myself, no need to worry.”

He didn’t worry. On the contrary – he wanted those hands all over him right now. But while he’d had years to come to terms with what had happened on Virmire, Shepard had only had a few hours, and the last thing he needed right now was another reason to make him brood over the decision he’d made.

Kaidan had been about to sit down next to him on the side of the bed when Shepard apparently decided to make himself more comfortable and put his legs up on the bed, his back leaning against the headrest.

“My money’s on Yokohama”, Shepard declared, eyes fixed on the screen, while Kaidan hesitantly sat down on the right side of the bed. “They’re the underdogs, they’ll give it all they’ve got.”

Kaidan didn’t remember enough about sports from over three years ago for an educated guess, so he simply took the obvious route of picking the other team. “Thessia All-Stars for me”, he said. “No fun in a bet if we’re going for the same team. And also, I want to win.”

“Ok then, if you’re so sure – how much?”

“Uhm... dinner on the Citadel.”

“Alright, I’m in. Loser has to pay.”

“A nice dinner, though”, Kaidan said. “Good food.”

“Sure thing”, Shepard said. “Nobody cares about winning when gambling for Alliance rations.”

Kaidan found it harder to focus on the game than he’d expected. Finally being alone with him, being so close to him again, all Kaidan could do was look at him. He wanted to run his fingers over the stubble on his cheeks, kiss those lips, rip that shirt off him, and...

“You’re going down, Alenko”, Shepard said when his team scored the second goal within five minutes, dragging Kaidan’s attention back to the screen and away from his thoughts.

“This is far from over”, Kaidan replied. “You wait and see.”

The game slowed down during the second half and Shepard yawned twice before he finally rested his head against the wall, closing his eyes for what he’d surely intended to be just a moment, only to fall asleep seconds later. Kaidan didn’t move when Shepard’s body started sliding in his direction until his shoulder was leaning against his upper arm, and he didn’t move either when his head fell to the side to rest on Kaidan’s shoulder. He was on stolen time here, and he’d indulge in every second he could get. Though it would definitely be weird once Shepard woke up.

The asari team had lost and Shepard was still asleep. Kaidan considered making an attempt to just slide out under him and leave, but he surely would notice. He couldn’t quite decide if it would make things more or less awkward, and eventually settled for giving him a slight bump with his shoulder.

“You win”, Kaidan said as Shepard blinked a couple of times. “In case you missed it.”

Shepard swung his legs out of the bed and jumped to his feet. “I... uhm... sorry.”

“It’s been a long day”, Kaidan said, getting to his feet as well. “Looking forward to what the Council has to say”, he added, of course already knowing how that would end.

“Yeah...”, Shepard said as Kaidan headed for the door. “Kaidan”, he called after him when he was just about to leave. “Thanks for being around.”

Kaidan smiled briefly. “Being around is something I’m really good at.”


	6. United

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "United" by Eclipse

He stood behind Shepard when the Council sent him packing, feeling the anger boiling up again despite knowing they wouldn’t need them anyway. Keeping his hatred for Udina in check was another thing entirely, and he had to make an effort to not even look at the man.

“Screw them”, Shepard muttered to himself as they walked back to the elevator. “All of them.”

Kaidan smiled when the pissed off look on Shepard’s face made a C-Sec officer stop and turn away instead of getting on the elevator with them.

“ _Stand by shore party. Decontamination in progress”_ , the Normandy welcomed them back.

“You should gather your personal belongings”, Shepard said before he walked off.

This time, Kaidan didn’t bother to even start gathering anything and instead went down to the crew deck for a snack, feeling very calm and absolutely on top of the situation. Knowing how things would play out definitely had its perks.

He heard familiar footsteps on the stairs, then Shepard entered his field of vision, walking to his locker, opening it and rummaging through it in a half-hearted attempt to get his things, taking something out, throwing it back in and slamming the door shut.

Kaidan stood up and slowly walked over to him, and when Shepard noticed him, he let himself slump to the ground, his back against his locker.

“You alright, Commander?”, Kaidan asked. That man definitely looked like he needed someone to build him up right now. “There’s a way out of this. There always is.”

“They’re not listening. They don’t want to. Nothing I can do anymore.”

Hell, he really looked like he was about to give up. But he wasn’t, Kaidan knew that. Or did he? Maybe if something had changed... no, no way. Shepard wasn’t the type for giving up.

“Ok”, Kaidan said. “So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat.”

“We’re not done yet”, Shepard said, leaning his head back against his locker. “I just need to figure this out.”

“Good thing you’re an expert at figuring things out.”

“Am I?”, Shepard said. “Still haven’t figured you out.”

“I’m very enigmatic. It may take you a little more time.”

“Time we have now”, Shepard said. “Until the Reapers show up on our doorstep, at least.”

Kaidan held out his hand to him and pulled him back to his feet, hard enough for Shepard to allow himself to bump into him, landing his left hand on Kaidan’s shoulder in the process. It made his skin tingle to be so close to him, feeling his breath on his face, and he wanted nothing else but to finally kiss him again. He’d been waiting too long for this. Shepard moved closer, tilting his head just a little, and Kaidan closed his eyes, ready to finally feel these lips again.

_“Sorry to interrupt, Commander”_ , Joker’s voice came in over the comms, and Shepard pulled back. _“Got a message from Captain Anderson.”_

“What is it?”, Shepard asked.

_“Only said to meet him in that club in the wards. Flux.”_

“There’s no way he’s not listening in”, Shepard said. “Let’s go.”

Another chance come and gone. This was turning out to be more difficult than Kaidan had imagined.

Kaidan had always known that Captain Anderson had been involved when they’d stolen the Normandy, but last time around he hadn’t been down at Flux with them. Maybe Shepard hadn’t trusted him enough to take him along, considered him too much Alliance, too much by-the-book to risk it. Things had changed, apparently. Or Shepard had simply asked him to come because he’d been conveniently standing right in front of him when Joker had relayed Anderson’s message.

“I keep reminding myself we’re doing the right thing”, Shepard said now, standing in front of him in his quarters while their stolen ship was on the way to Ilos. “I don’t believe me yet.”

“You’ve got your whole crew behind you. If they didn’t believe you were doing the right thing, they wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be here”, Kaidan said.

Shepard nodded thoughtfully. “A while back, after you got shot, you said you wanted to talk. We never finished that conversation. Might be now or never.”

“Yeah, well, uhm...”, Kaidan started, not having expected him to address this again. Especially not right now.

Shepard took a cylindric bottle and two small glasses from the locker next to his desk, pouring some of the crystal liquid into each glass and handing one of them to Kaidan.

“Whatever you have to say, just spit it out now”, Shepard said. “We’ve got time enough.”

Kaidan took a sip from his drink, feeling the warmth of the asari liquor run down his throat and spread through his body. This would make the words flow a little easier.

He still wasn’t quite sure where to begin, so he just jumped straight to the facts. “Back in Alliance basic training”, he said, “I was the only biotic in the unit. It made me stand out, something special, and being special is not what you strive for. I like to think most of the people there didn’t care too much, but some always do. Think you’re so special just because you can glow blue, shit soldier who’s good at nothing else, you’ll get us all killed, get everything handed to you without working for it, freak – the usual. I kept to myself. It’s what we... what biotics tend to do. It worked pretty well, until some of the guys who already didn’t like me found out that I’m not exactly straight. No idea how they knew, monitoring extranet usage maybe”, Kaidan said with a nervous smile. “It was something they didn’t like either. So they hatched a plan. One of them starts flirting with me. He was very sweet and romantic, played me too damn well. Being the idiot I am, I fell for it. He invites me to his quarters, two of his buddies show up, and the evening doesn’t go quite as I had envisioned.”

He was well aware that he hadn’t exactly given a lot information, but he hoped Shepard wouldn’t ask. He didn’t want to go into detail, it was in the past, and that’s where he wanted it to stay.

“Judging by what I’ve seen out on the field, you could have easily killed them with a flick of your wrist”, Shepard said.

“Yeah”, Kaidan said. “That’s why I didn’t fight them. I didn’t want this to happen. Not again.”

“Because they didn’t deserve it?”, Shepard asked.

Kaidan took a deep breath and emptied his glass. “No, they didn’t deserve it”, he said eventually. “It was just a cruel prank that had gotten out of hand. They were young. Misguided.”

“So were you”, Shepard said, adding: “Young, I mean.”

Kaidan smiled briefly. “They’d have kicked me out of Alliance training if I’d used my biotics on them. That would have put a very early end to my career. I wouldn’t have risked that.”

“The more I learn about you, the more I understand why you’re not one to trust easily”, Shepard said. “I’ll make sure to respect your boundaries and keep my distance.”

“No”, Kaidan said without even thinking. “I mean, it’s your decision, but it’s not what I was trying to say here. I only need you to understand that... uhm... I want this. You and me. I really do. But I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I’m not looking for a fling. I want more than that. Something serious. If, right now, that’s not what you’re after, then it’s just... not the right time.”

“If I wanted to have some meaningless fun I could have that with a lot less effort”, Shepard said, put his glass down and turned to look at him. “I want someone who’s still there in the morning. Someone to talk to. Someone who can get into my head and understand. Someone I trust. Someone I can look up to.”

“You? First human Spectre, the best humanity has to offer, wants someone to look up to?”, Kaidan asked. “You’re going to have to do some searching there.”

“Turns out, I don’t.”

“Yeah, right.”

“What? Don’t believe me?”, Shepard asked. “I do look up to you, Kaidan. I admire your integrity. Your devotion. Your empathy.”

Kaidan felt his heart beating in his chest. He’d had no idea Shepard had thought of him like this, he’d never told him.

“And I know you got my back”, Shepard said. “Out in the field, I know how you think, how you move, how you fight, and you know the same about me. It’s like we’re one, acting completely in sync. It makes me feel like I could take on anything the universe throws at me. And it makes me wonder if maybe it could be the same way when we don’t have bullets flying past our heads.”

“It could”, Kaidan said softly.

“So”, Shepard said, taking a tentative step towards him, “do you want to give this a try? See if we can make it work?”

“Yes, I...”, Kaidan said. “Yes.”

Shepard reached out and took his hand. It sent a shiver down Kaidan’s spine to feel his touch again, remembering how gentle he could be.

“You know we don’t have to do this”, Shepard said. “If you’re not sure.”

“I am.”

“Just trying to leave you a way out.”

“Don’t need one”, Kaidan said, grabbed him by his shirt, pushed him against the wall and kissed him.

Having fallen asleep with his head on Shepard’s chest made waking up alone in the bed in his cabin a little more cruel than on a usual day.

He was going to send Joker a message today. He’d wanted to do so for a while now, and after seeing him on the newsfeed last night and then talking to him in his dream, he’d decided it was about time. He had no idea if Joker still wanted anything to do with him, but he felt he owed it to him to at least make an offer. The man had lost everything he’d cared for – his dad, his little sister, EDI. All he was left with was his love for flying, and Kaidan hoped the Alliance wouldn’t let the media pressure them into an official investigation of Joker’s decision to follow his orders and get the Normandy out of there.

When he sat at the table, his next-to-last mug of coffee in front of him, he realized that he didn’t really know how to start this conversation. It had been almost a year since they’d last spoken.

After thinking about it for a while he eventually settled for the good old “How’s it going?” they’d both probably said a few dozen times while sitting next to each other in the Normandy’s cockpit.

_“Splendid. You?”_ , Joker typed in reply.

“Same.”

_“Did you know about Shepard?”_

“Liara told me a couple of days ago.”

The pause that followed was long enough to assume the conversation had ended there. Kaidan drank up his coffee, cleaned the mug and put it on the counter before he got a reply after all.

_“If I’d known, I wouldn’t have left.”_

“I know. None of us”, Kaidan wrote back, hoping to somehow make him know that he wasn’t alone in this.

_“Damn shockwave hit us either way.”_

“Would have been worse though. Could have ripped her apart.”

_“No. That’s the thing. We had all the power in the drives. Should have sent it to the shields instead. Put up all the kinetic barriers and just wait it out.”_

Reading this sent a shiver down Kaidan’s spine. He’d never talked to Joker about it. When the Alliance had given the order to pull out, he’d been down in med-bay without a clue what had been going on in the cockpit.

“You’re saying that if you could do it all over again?”, he typed.

_“Damn straight. I’d stay put. Let it hit us. Go back. Easy as that.”_

Ok, Kaidan thought. So that’s how we’ll do it. That’s how we’ll fix it. Easy as that.


	7. When the Rain Begins to Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "When the Rain Begins to Fall" by Heavenly

When he woke up to his dream that night, he’d expected to end up somewhere on Ilos or maybe on the Citadel, facing Saren and Sovereign. But this was... he had no idea where he was. He was lying in a comfortable bed, white walls, a large painting, dark carpet, glass table with a vase. Definitely not a military accommodation.

“You sleep too late.”

He turned his head to see Shepard standing in the doorway that apparently led to a bathroom. Looking good in his dress uniform, very much unlike Kaidan himself, not dressed at all other than the blanket he was under, as he realized now.

“I guess I do”, Kaidan said, not wanting to ask what exactly he might have been supposed to be up for sooner. “You always look incredibly uncomfortable in your dress blues.”

“That’s because I am.”

“Looking good, though.”

“Well, guess it’s worth it then. I got to go see someone”, Shepard said. “Meet me on the strip outside the casino in an hour? However long it takes for you to get that hair done.”

Kaidan chuckled. “I’m a soldier. The hair takes three minutes tops to look gorgeous.”

“Alright”, Shepard said. “Then I’ll see you in an hour. For lunch. I’m not going out for breakfast in the middle of the day just because you can’t get your ass out of bed.”

Kaidan watched him walk across the room towards the door, calling him back only when he was about to open it.

Shepard turned around and Kaidan reached out his hand to him, making him come back, take his hand, climb onto the bed next to him, lean down and kiss him, just like he’d always done.

“I missed you”, Kaidan said.

“You were asleep”, Shepard said, unable to fathom what he really meant by saying this.

“Still.”

Shepard smiled at him. “By the way, I don’t believe a word of that three-minute-hair story”, he said before actually leaving.

Kaidan kept looking at the door after it had closed behind him for a few more seconds before eventually checking the date on his omni-tool. Just like he’d guessed, this was their one week of shore leave on the Citadel after they’d taken down Saren and his Reaper. The second day, actually. Only that this time around, he apparently wasn’t going to spend it mostly on his own.

He smiled to himself. This was good. Though it also meant that it wouldn’t be too long before the Normandy would be attacked and Shepard would die. After talking to Joker, he’d thought about this for a long time, wondering what would happen if he managed to prevent it. Shepard wouldn’t die, Cerberus wouldn’t bring him back, he’d remain Alliance, the Council wouldn’t back him in going after the Collectors, and then everything that had happened might collapse like a house of cards. That was why he had decided that he wouldn’t risk this. He couldn’t risk their victory over the Reapers. Nothing was worth this.

Admittedly, the hair had taken him longer than three minutes. But he’d still been early to arrive at the casino, so Shepard didn’t need to know that.

“I’m late”, Shepard said when he finally showed up, ten minutes past the allotted hour. “I have really good reasons though, far more important than hair.”

“Three minutes”, Kaidan insisted.

“I’ll believe it when I see it”, Shepard replied. “Let’s go eat.”

“Ok. Where?”

“Where ever we can get a table, I’d say. Pretty cramped here at the moment”, Shepard said and started walking.

“How bad is it?”, Kaidan asked, guessing that Shepard had probably not been on a social call but talking to people about the current situation here on the Citadel.

“Bad”, Shepard said. “Too much destruction. Too many casualties, too. But, I mean... I know we did all we could.”

“Yeah, we did”, Kaidan said.

“Ok, how about over there”, Shepard said and nodded towards a small restaurant with a red neon sign above the entrance. There were people sitting at the tables behind the glass windows, but it didn’t look too crowded.

Kaidan shrugged his shoulders. “Sure, why not.”

He’d always been a picky eater, and despite having spent years on Alliance rations, in his heart he still was. Hence he wasn’t really filled with anticipation once the friendly asari waitress had explained to them that they served a fusion cuisine of traditional asari recipes and beloved food from all other major homeworlds. Trying to minimize the risk, he picked something with Thessian fish and some vegetables which, though misspelled, seemed to originate from Earth, while Shepard was going all in with fried wings of some weird animal Kaidan had never heard of.

“So”, Shepard said. “Whole week of shore leave. What are you going to do with all that time?”

“I don’t know, really. Sleeping, getting drunk... doing my hair, probably. You know, the usual stuff.”

“Go to the Armax Arena with me?”

“You can’t relax even for a single day, can you?”

“Just happens to be my way of relaxing. So you’ll come?”

“I’ll come. Though it’s really not made for me”, Kaidan said. “Can’t even use biotics, I’d probably tear the place down. Accidentally.”

“You’ll have to make do with an old-fashioned gun, like the rest of us.”

When the waitress returned, placing their plates in front of them, Kaidan was rather pleased with his choice – it didn’t look too unfamiliar. He’d just have to make sure to never inadvertently find out what that fish had looked like before being filleted. Might be a lovecraftian monster fish for all he knew.

Shepard’s food however... The different-coloured dumplings that came with it looked ok, but the idea of eating those ‘wings’ made Kaidan feel uncomfortable.

“Guess that’s what you get for always ordering the weirdest thing on the menu”, he said.

“If you don’t, you’ll never know what you’re missing”, Shepard said.

“There are some things I’ll happily miss out on”, Kaidan said. “Do you want to go to the Arena today?”

“Today’s not good”, Shepard said, cutting a long slice of meat from the bone of the unknown creature’s wing. “I have to be in front of the Council in two and a half hours. We’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Plenty of time for a little visit to the arcade then”, Kaidan suggested.

“Arcade? You? Didn’t expect that”, Shepard said. “You any good?”

“I’ll mop the floor with you, actually”, Kaidan said. “Just letting you know in advance so you can mentally prepare for your defeat.”

Shepard grinned. “I know your kind. All bark and no bite”, he said. “Try one of these.” He pushed his plate towards Kaidan. “One of the purple ones.”

“Why?”, Kaidan asked.

“What do you mean, why? Who asks _why_ when someone offers to share their food with them?”

“I do”, Kaidan said, well aware that he had an advantage on Shepard here – the man just had no idea how well he knew him. “Because I’m pretty sure you only want me to eat that because it’s disgusting, right?”

“Well... yeah”, Shepard admitted. “Still – try it.”

“No.”

“I’ll bet you fifty credits that you don’t dare to eat this.”

Kaidan laughed. “Why?”

“Five years from now, when I eat something really disgusting, I can simply say ‘Remember that time when I made you try that thing? This is almost as bad’. So you’ll know how bad it is without having to try it.”

“Gives me a good enough idea of how bad that stuff is without having to try it either”, Kaidan said, the ‘five years from now’ swirling through his head. Surprisingly enough not mainly because Shepard wouldn’t live to see five years from now, but more because he apparently expected them to by then still be... well, something, at least.

“Can you stop being so difficult?”

Kaidan sighed. “Ok, whatever, I give up. But I’ll collect those fifty credits”, he said, picking up the strangely coloured dumpling with his fork and hesitantly putting it in his mouth. When he bit down on it, it tasted bitter and sour at the same time, accompanied by what he’d have described as a slight hint of vomit. “Ok. That _is_ disgusting”, he said while still fighting to choke down the food in his mouth, the filling's grainy and slimy texture not really helping. “That might be the worst thing I’ve ever eaten.”

“See? Told you!”

Shepard had always been a sore loser, so naturally Kaidan picked the one fighting game he already knew he was better at – nothing more fun than watching him get annoyed over a petty defeat.

“You’ve played this before”, Shepard stated after losing the first round. “I know how it works now. Prepare to go down.”

“I don’t think I’ll have to start preparing just yet.”

Kaidan won the second round, the third looked like Shepard almost had a chance, but when he changed his strategy for the fourth game, Kaidan obliterated him once more.

“Can I maybe get a little elbow room here?”, Shepard complained.

“You suck at this game. Accept it”, Kaidan said.

“Getting scared, huh?”

“I could let you win one, you know?”, Kaidan said. “Just so we can walk away from it.”

“I have no problem walking away from this”, Shepard said.

“Well then, let’s.”

“Final round”, Shepard said.

Kaidan laughed, defeated him once more and stepped away from the arcade machine. “Better luck next time”, he said.

“Count on it...”, Shepard said. “Let’s play something better now. Something that actually requires skill.”

“Like what?”

“Uhm...” Shepard let his gaze travel over the flashing machines. “There”, he said and started walking across the floor towards a claw machine, Kaidan following him. “I’m good at these”, he declared. “Used to win big playing them as a kid back on Earth.”

“Aren’t they all rigged anyway?”

“You have to know how to work them.”

Kaidan leaned back against the wall, crossed his arms in front of his chest, and watched Shepard sink credits into the machine. He enjoyed seeing him like this: relaxed, happy, the weight he’d been carrying on his shoulders finally lifted off him. At least for a little while.

“There you go!”, Shepard exclaimed triumphantly, retrieving a volus toy from the machine and handing it to Kaidan. “The king of the claw machine won you a plushie.”

“Believe it or not, but nobody’s ever won me a plushie before”, Kaidan said.

“Well”, Shepard said, stepping closer to him. “I’m a very extraordinary man.”

“That you are”, Kaidan said softly. He wanted to kiss him, but he didn’t, and Shepard didn’t make a move either. Not here in public. It was bad enough that the whole crew probably already knew. There were regulations, whether they liked it or not, and if the wrong people found out they’d no longer serve on the same ship. On top of having to face charges, of course, but with stealing a grounded Alliance vessel on the list, fraternization would probably take a back seat.

“Council tell you why they want to see you?”, Kaidan asked, trying to break the tension Shepard had to be feeling as well.

“No idea”, Shepard said, taking a step back. “They probably want to tell me that it was all just my imagination and they still have no evidence that Reapers are real. Despite a huge piece of one being stuck in the Citadel.”

“Yeah, something along those lines, probably.”

“Honestly, what bothers me more is facing Alliance Command”, Shepard said. “Still haven’t heard a word about taking the Normandy on a little joyride. I keep wondering if we’re actually on shore leave or if it’s just investigative custody in a nice hotel room.”

“Well, they’ll have to make their choice”, Kaidan said, already knowing that the brass would pretty much keep up their silence about stealing the ship. “Court martial us or market it as humanity’s act of heroism. Can’t have both.”

“You get their way of thinking”, Shepard said. “You should consider going into politics.”

“I don’t think so.”

Kaidan spent the afternoon wandering about the Citadel, assuming he probably had a hotel room of his own, but unfortunately completely clueless where this room might be. He ran into two crewmen from a former deployment who invited him for a drink – not because they’d been friends but rather because they were interested in hearing some stories about stealing the Normandy and defeating Saren and his Reaper. It was the kind of story that would be told during boring shifts and lonely nights, and that was why these were the stories everyone was obligated to share. He still remained careful to leave out any possibly incriminating details that were not public knowledge yet, Anderson’s name in particular.

One drink of company and stories was enough though, and he excused himself, telling them he had ‘some things to take care of’, hoping it would sound important. Having actually nothing at all to take care of, he returned to the room he’d woken up in this morning, sat down on the bed and switched to ANN with their ongoing coverage of Saren’s attack. They showed a report on the damage to the Citadel, interviews with people who’d witnessed the attack, interviews with people who just wanted to put their faces in front of a camera, and a short glimpse of Shepard declining to answer any questions.

Kaidan yawned. He was getting bored. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d felt serene enough to actually get bored. Right now, he didn’t have to think about what the future might hold, because he already knew. And at the same time he didn’t have to worry about any of it, because there was nothing he could do about it. It was a tranquil void to float in, watching his own life like a bystander, knowing the story, yet unable to alter its course.

“Look who’s here”, Shepard said as he stepped through the door. “I was hoping to find you here.”

Nowhere else to go because I don’t remember where my room is, Kaidan thought. Yeah, that would sound great. “I was kind of curious about what the Council had to say”, he said instead.

“Oh, they were unusually friendly”, Shepard said, taking off his jacket and carefully draping it over the back of a chair. “Very thankful to me for saving their lives. It didn’t even occur to them that it was never about them. Every asari that was on board the Destiny Ascension that day was worth more than the three of them combined, they could’ve gotten blown to pieces for all I care. Would have served them right.”

“There are no good choices once you’re forced to offset the lives you might save against those you’ll have to sacrifice”, Kaidan said, knowing very well that this was one of the decisions Shepard had struggled with for the rest of his life.

Shepard turned to look at him, his expression thoughtful but lacking the suspiciously narrowed eyes that usually accompanied a look like this. “I’m glad you were around during all of this.”

“I didn’t do all that much”, Kaidan said.

“You did”, Shepard said. “When I was at my lowest, you reached out your hand and pulled me up from the ground. And I know you’ll do it again.”

No, he wouldn’t. Two years from now, when they’d meet on Horizon, he’d turn his back on him and walk away. Hurt, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, and forever regretting not being by Shepard’s side in his fight against the Collectors. And even if he was given the chance, there was no way he could ever risk changing it.


	8. Blind and Frozen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "Blind and Frozen" by Beast in Black

The next morning was the morning of the last cup of coffee and also of a new geth sighting on Earth. Kaidan smiled at the images on the newsfeed, strangely satisfied with the fact that the Alliance would not be able to keep this under wraps for much longer.

On his omni-tool he initiated a vid-call with Liara. She answered within moments, a somewhat worried expression on her face. That’s where they were at now, apparently – thinking he was one step away from jumping off a ledge whenever he contacted her.

_“Kaidan”_ , she greeted him. _“Are you ok?”_

“I’m good”, he said with a reassuring smile. “Saw the new geth on the news. I’m really curious how it can still be here.”

_“Well”_ , she said, the worry dropping from her face and her eyes lighting up. _“I’ve gathered whatever intel I could get, but I’m still not sure. From how I look at it, the reapers are hardware and software. The Crucible did not target the hardware directly – otherwise we wouldn’t be seeing husks still roaming around. Aimless, empty, but moving. It must have targeted the software. Like a virus. If a system isn’t running, a virus can’t attack it.”_

“But it can just wait until the system comes back online”, Kaidan said.

_“If it had a chance to infiltrate first, then yes. But I can’t imagine how it would do this while the system is not even active”_ , Liara said. _“It’s all just guesswork, of course. However, other than the possibility that the Crucible was designed to merely temporarily incapacitate, I haven’t come across any other explanation.”_

Now that was an idea that hadn’t even crossed his mind yet. And a rather disconcerting one.

“Has anyone investigated this as a possibility?”, Kaidan asked.

_“They are examining the geth that turned itself in to the Alliance”, Liara said. “But to my knowledge, there are no promising leads yet.”_

“Where’s the Normandy, actually?”, Kaidan asked.

_“Dry dock”_ , Liara said. _“Since the day we docked her at the Citadel.”_

“Because they’re worried that EDI, based on Reaper tech, might still be around after all?”

_“Possibly.”_

“Do you believe they already know more than they’re letting on?”

_“I doubt it”_ , Liara said. _“The number of people involved would make keeping something so impactful a secret for an extended period of time close to impossible.”_

Kaidan nodded thoughtfully.

_“Who would have thought”_ , Liara said. _“A year after the war was won, things suddenly don’t look so definite anymore.”_

“Yeah... I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see”, Kaidan said. “You’ll let me know if you hear anything, will you?”

_“Of course.”_

“Thank you. I’ll talk to you soon.”

_“Take care of yourself, Kaidan.”_

“And you.”

He drank his last sip of coffee, rinsed the mug, dried it up and put it onto the wooden shelf, not even surprised when he spotted the volus plushie sitting there, looking at him like it had always been there. He took it down, wiping some dust off its head.

He remembered. For the first time not from his dream, but from his past. He remembered the next day when they’d gone down to the Armax Arena together with Garrus, spending hours gunning down holographic geth. He remembered the evening when almost the whole crew had gathered in some club he’d never been to before or after, and Pressly of all people had gotten so drunk he’d climbed over the counter, insisting to take over making the drinks for everyone. Images and snippets of conversations were flooding his mind, disguised as memories that had always been there, but he knew they hadn’t.

Back aboard the Normandy. Playing cards. Shepard falling asleep in his arms. Watching a biotiball game in the mess with the whole crew. Only two different meals available because someone had messed up the delivery, everybody complaining and joking about it for days. The attack of the Collector ship. Fire, explosions, people dying. _I’m not leaving either._ One last look into Shepard’s eyes behind his helmet visor. _Kaidan, go. Now._ It wasn’t as if he hadn’t revisited this moment countless times before.

Kaidan put the volus back onto the shelf next to his mug.

When he opened his eyes that night, he found himself on his back on the ground in full armour. Never a good sign.

The sky above him was glowing red and flames reflected in his helmet visor. Apparently his mind had by now adapted to waking up in completely unidentified situations, because this time it took him not even a second to realize where he was – and he didn’t like it one bit.

This was Mars.

He saw an N7 armour walking towards him, a quick hand gesture to ask if he was ok, raising his own hand to confirm that he was. For now.

Of all the places and times he could have ended up, it had to be here.

Kaidan got to his feet, walked over to Liara and helped her up, casting a sideways glance at the downed Cerberus shuttle.

“We need the data”, Liara said.

The loud metallic bang coming from the shuttle’s wreck sent an icy shiver crawling across Kaidan’s skin. Another bang, and the shuttle door flew off, the charred android emerging from the inside, surrounded by flames like a demon climbing out of hell.

Kaidan pushed Liara back, drew his gun and started firing at EDI’s evil twin, the shots bouncing off. For a split second he’d thought about dropping the gun and relying on his biotics instead, but he wouldn’t risk it. He’d survived this once, and he’d survive it again, as long as everything just went down exactly the same way it had before.

The android grabbed him and lifted him off his feet.

“Let him go!”, Shepard called out.

Well, brace for impact, Kaidan thought, and the android smashed him backwards against the shuttle. A sharp pain in his skull and the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. This was the moment he’d accepted that he was going to die, and he felt it again now – a sense of tranquillity, drowning out the pain, making him indifferent to the sound of his own body being smashed into the shuttle hull. One more time – a stinging pain in his shoulder, worse than he’d remembered. He heard Shepard’s voice, yelling something he couldn’t even make out anymore.

Images and sounds filled his mind, memories of a past long gone and a future that might never be. His parents, the day he left for BAaT. His mother, alone. _MIA, presumed dead._ Shepard pushing him away when he’d gotten too close to the beacon on Eden Prime. Rahna, afraid of what he’d become. The first man he’d watched die, choking on his own blood. _Kaidan, go. Now._ The pain in Shepard’s eyes when he walked away from him on Horizon. _I got this, everyone calm down._ Trust in his eyes when they stood facing each other, gun in hand.

Muffled shots. Shepard’s voice, saying his name. _I’ll get you out of here_. He felt Shepard lifting him up, then everything went black.

Kaidan woke up in a daze, a dull throbbing in his head, his whole body feeling numb and his eyes so heavy he had to put a lot of effort into opening them only to close them again right away – it was too bright in here.

The quick glimpse had already told him that he was not on the Normandy. But obviously he’d survived the beating he’d received from that android, so that was a pleasant surprise.

His brain was a mess, though, a vortex of images impossible to put in a coherent order. The Reapers had attacked Earth. They’d gone to Mars. A Cerberus android had knocked him out. That was all he was able to piece together before giving up on it, it had to be good enough for now.

He drifted in and out of consciousness for what could have been days or just minutes. Sometimes he heard people talking, other times it was very quiet. And then, all of a sudden, he woke up, surprised to realize that he felt... well, fine, actually. Not great, that would have been an exaggeration. But the pain was gone, even the headache, and he felt wide awake.

He was lying in a bed in a small quiet room. A hospital room on the Citadel, as the view from the large windows revealed. Huerta Memorial, said the large letters he could see through the glass wall to his right.

His eyes fell on the hoodie on the chair next to his bed. Black with red and white stripes on the sleeve. Shepard’s, obviously. He didn’t know too many N7s. He reached over, managed to grab one of the sleeves with two fingers and pulled the hoodie onto his bed, put it up to his face and smelled the fabric. Shepard’s. Maybe he’d forgotten it here. Or maybe he’d left it behind for him to know that he’d been here. He couldn’t have stayed, there was a war on after all. Though Kaidan wished he was here right now. There were things he needed to tell him, things to talk about. Things there had been no time for while they had been headed for Mars.

“You were in the N7 programme?”, the nurse asked as she entered his room.

“Uhm... no. It’s not mine”, Kaidan admitted, feeling like she’d walked in on him in a rather intimate moment, even more so when she smiled at him now. She probably knew very well whose it was.

“How are you feeling?”, she asked.

“Good”, Kaidan said. “Yeah, I’m... good.”

“Glad to hear it”, the nurse said. “One of the doctors will be with you shortly. In the meantime, is there anything you need?”

“No. Thank you.”

“Patients who don’t need anything are always my favourite”, she said, winked at him and left the room.

That night, he woke up with a throbbing headache and sweating profusely. Usually this was a sure sign that he’d caught a cold and was going to get really sick within the next 24 hours. Tonight tough, he blamed it on the nightmares.

The images of the Reapers were still vivid in his mind: Invading Earth, destroying cities, himself right in the middle of it, together with Shepard and Garrus, watching soldiers of all species being killed off without mercy, London reduced to rubble. Why his brain had picked London for this dream he really couldn’t tell, he’d never even been there. He’d only recognized the city from its landmarks, as one by one they’d been destroyed.

The next morning, Dr. Chakwas paid him a visit. It had been a while since they’d last met, and it felt good to see a familiar face.

“It’s good to see you, Doc”, he said after she’d greeted him.

“Likewise”, she said in her always professional tone of voice, but still with the hint of a smile. “You’ve kept us on edge for a couple of days, I’m glad to see you’re doing better.”

“Yeah... from what I hear I took quite a beating.”

“You could certainly say so”, Chakwas said. “How are you feeling? Anything unusual?”

“Uhm... I’m good”, Kaidan said, but she gave him that look she’d always given him when he’d told her he was fine, and, as usually, he gave in. “I had some very vivid nightmares the other night, woke up sweating”, he said. “Normally I don’t even remember my dreams. Might be the medication.”

“Possibly”, she said, nonetheless making a note on her data pad. “Did you experience any lapses of memory? Do you remember everything leading up to your injury?”

That question was more difficult to answer than it sounded, because ever since he’d woken up he had definitely felt like there was something he’d forgotten. Something he should know, should be able to remember, something too big to forget. But he’d gone through everything that had happened ever since he’d run into Shepard outside the conference room after talking to Alliance command, and he remembered it all.

“Remember it all”, Kaidan said. “Only memory gap is from when the android knocked me out until I woke up here.”

“Ok”, she said. “That’s good. What you need now is rest. Stay in your bed and you’ll be back on your feet in no time.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Kaidan had quickly grown tired of the view from his bed. Watching sky cars wasn’t a full-time hobby, and watching the hallway outside his room offered only little more variety.

He’d sent Shepard a message a few hours after Udina had left, saying he’d appreciate his advice when what he probably really wanted was his blessing. Spectre. It was an honour to be offered this position. And he did feel up to it. But he still wasn’t sure that it was what he wanted.

He knew he wanted to return to the Normandy. Sheer coincidence had brought him onto that ship and back to Shepard’s side on the battlefield, and it had felt so right, like that was exactly where he’d always been supposed to be.

But there were things they needed to talk about. Things he needed to talk about, at least. He couldn’t tell whether Shepard would still care, but he himself certainly did. Shepard would listen either way, he always had.

His gaze fell on something new out on the hallway. A drell. He’d never met one in person – there weren’t too many left, and few found their way to more common places like the Citadel.

The drell had a visitor the next day – the second drell Kaidan had ever seen. He watched them sit together, doing only little talking, the whole situation seeming somewhat uncomfortable. Like two people who had been close once but then had run into an obstacle almost impossible to overcome. It would probably look similar when Shepard got here and they finally got to talk. Kaidan turned his head and looked out the window again, feeling like an intruder if he’d kept watching them.

He’d been pestering the nurses about at least being allowed to get out of bed, and that evening Dr. Fraelik, the salarian he apparently owed his life to in large part, eventually granted him a little walk, no longer than half an hour, not leaving the hospital premises, and accompanied by a nurse. There was no nurse around, so obviously Kaidan decided to get up and find one.

He was still a bit shaky on his feet, but he was convinced that the dressing gown and slippers contributed to making him feel much worse than he actually was. If only they’d give him his fatigues and boots he’d probably be back on the battlefield tomorrow.

The corridor outside his room looked empty and boring, so he made his way to the patient lounge. Not too many people here either. It was after dinner time now – he’d already noticed that the hospital fell asleep rather early.

“Hey!”, a young man called out to him from the other side of the room. He was in a wheelchair, missing his left leg which had apparently been freshly amputated. “Hi. Sorry – are you Alliance?”

“I am”, Kaidan said, slowly walking towards the man to avoid having to shout across the room. “Major Alenko”, he introduced himself.

“Staff Lieutenant Sutcliffe, sir”, the young man said and saluted. “I hate to bother you with it, but maybe you could help me.”

“What about?”, Kaidan asked, remaining cautious. It wouldn’t have been the first time some random crook approached him to try and get the better of him, although they usually only attempted this with younger soldiers who clearly looked like it was their first time on the Citadel.

“My sister”, the young man said. “She’s in the Alliance, too. She was on Earth when the Reapers hit and I haven’t been able to get in contact with her. I’ve filed an official request, but there are so many people unaccounted for, I still haven’t gotten a reply. I was hoping someone with a high enough rank might be able to access the personnel files.”

“I don’t believe that I can be of much help to you.”

“Could you maybe still try? If you have the time?”

If the man hadn’t heard back from the Alliance, Kaidan was pretty sure that he wouldn’t be able to track her down either, but he really couldn’t claim that he didn’t have time to try.

“What’s her name?”, he asked.

“Angelica Sutcliffe, born March 3rd, 66.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate it”, the young man said.

Kaidan nodded and walked off towards one of the recliners in front of the windows.

He’d been sitting there for a while, looking out on the Citadel and lost in his thoughts, when he suddenly noticed the drell standing next to him.

“It was kind of you to offer your help to the young soldier”, the stranger said.

If the drell had been around to hear them talk, Kaidan had obviously become aware of his presence even later than he’d thought. “I doubt I’ll be able to help him, though”, he said.

“And still you’re willing to try”, the drell said. “Making the offer even more generous.”

“That’s a comforting way to look at it”, Kaidan said, taking a quick look around to make sure the soldier in the wheelchair had left the lounge. “If she’s been unaccounted for since the attack, she’s probably dead.”

“He will find solace in knowing”, the drell said.

“Major Alenko!”, the nurse he’d met on his first day awake called out to him, the tone of her voice hinting that right now he might not be her favourite patient. “I believe you were told that you’re not to get up and walk around unaccompanied?”

“Luckily, I found company”, Kaidan said, nodding at the drell. “So no worries about me getting lonely”, he added with what he hoped would be a charming enough smile. Judging by the look on the nurse’s face, it wasn’t.

“I’ll help you get back to your room”, she said resolutely enough for Kaidan not to argue.

As so often, Shepard demonstrated perfect timing, walking through the door the exact moment Udina was about to leave. They greeted each other, unmistakable disdain in both men’s voices.

“Hey”, Shepard said, his tone much gentler than towards Udina.

“Shepard, hey”, Kaidan said, smiling at him, happy that he’d actually come here, but nervous all the same, because this conversation could go either way.

Not yet, though. For now they just talked like nothing had changed. Shepard asking him how he was, not hiding that he’d been worried about him. Cracking a joke. Asking about his family. Listening to him. He’d even brought him a bottle of whiskey. As if Horizon had never happened, and as if even back on Mars he hadn’t basically told Shepard to his face that he still didn’t trust him. He hadn’t meant it like that, but lying in this bed he’d had enough time to realize that was what it must have sounded like.

“Uhm... could you do me a favour?”, Kaidan asked, remembering the promise he’d made.

“Sure. What?”, Shepard asked.

“Trying to find out about missing Alliance personnel”, Kaidan said. “Angelica Sutcliffe, born 3/3/66, on Earth during the attack. Just in case you stop by the Spectre office.”

“Sure thing”, Shepard said.

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

“Someone you know?”, Shepard asked.

“No. Another patient here, it’s his sister, he’s been looking for her.”

Shepard nodded. “I guess I should be leaving now anyway”, he said and got up from his chair. “Get well. Listen to the doctors. Alliance needs you.”

“Will do”, Kaidan said, cursing himself for being too much of a coward to bring up what he’d been wanting to say for so long. “Shepard”, he called him back when the door already slid open, and when Shepard turned around Kaidan thought back to their time on the Citadel after the battle against Sovereign, wishing that he’d just come back, take his hand, lean down and kiss him. It had been so long ago, it felt like a different life. “I... uhm...”

“Had a feeling you still had something on your mind”, Shepard said, sitting down on the chair next to his bed again. “Should we talk about Horizon?”

Oh, good. No way out anymore now that he’d brought it up. “Yeah, I think we should”, Kaidan said. “I need you to know that I... regret walking away from you. I should have backed you in fighting the Collectors. I let you down. I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize”, Shepard said. “You remained true to your beliefs. You’ve always been true to what you believe. I admire that.”

“I was wrong, though.”

“You weren’t wrong about Cerberus.”

“But I was wrong about you”, Kaidan said. “I should have known better. Garrus, Tali, Joker, Chakwas, too – they stood with you. And I of all people didn’t.”

Shepard looked up, out the window and onto the Citadel, the same view Kaidan had been stuck with seemingly forever now. “How do we move past this?”, he asked.

“I... I don’t know”, Kaidan said. “There’s a war on. Neither of us might make it out alive, so maybe it doesn’t even matter anymore. But for what it’s worth, I just want you to know that I still care. I understand if you’ve moved on, but... well, yeah. Just want you to know that.”

Shepard lowered his gaze to the ground for a moment before looking at Kaidan again. “It was good having you back on the Normandy”, he said. “Felt right.”

“It did”, Kaidan said. “Wish I could come with you now.”

“You focus on getting better for now”, Shepard said, got up and pushed his chair back to the wall. “I hear there’s a war on. I might need you.”

“Thanks for coming by”, Kaidan said, still feeling like he hadn’t said everything he wanted to say.

“You call, I’ll come”, Shepard said, walking towards the door but then hesitating and turning back around. “I haven’t”, he said. “Moved on, I mean.”

And then he left.

By the evening of the next day, spotting the drell had become Kaidan’s new favourite pastime. He’d grown tired of watching the sky cars, and looking for the drell was a more interesting challenge. He wasn’t easy to spot, sometimes Kaidan couldn’t find him at all, but he was still convinced that he was around somewhere. Actually he couldn’t quite shake off the feeling that the drell was watching him as much as the other way around.

Shepard had sent him a short message that afternoon, only a few words, probably copied straight from the report: _A. Sutcliffe, Serviceman 2nd Class, KIA, husk attack during evacuation of civilians._ He’d have to find that soldier and tell him, though he wished he had better news for him.

Outside his room things seemed to be slowly settling down for the night. It was his favourite time here: The lights were dimmed down, so were the conversations, there were no more visitors around and only few patients out of bed. Everything was nice and quiet.

Naturally, since he’d finally been cleared to get out of bed and wander around the hospital on his own, the second thing – after getting himself a coffee – was to go and confront the drell, who conveniently enough was never too far away.

Kaidan walked up to him, coffee in hand. “You’re not following me around, are you?”, he casually asked. “I mean, it’s a small place, it’s easy to keep running into the same people, might just give me the impression. But if you are – you’re not exactly being subtle about it.”

“I was not attempting subtlety”, the drell said.

“Then you’re being rather successful.”

“My name is Thane Krios, although I do not go by this name here”, the drell introduced himself. “We have a common acquaintance.”

“That being who?”

“Commander Shepard”, Thane said. “I gave him my word to keep an eye out for anyone who might try to finish what they started.”

“Well, that’s...” He really didn’t need anyone looking out for him, did he? “...very considerate”, he said nonetheless. “You were part of the Normandy’s crew?”, he asked, making the connection since the intel the Alliance had collected on Shepard’s activities had mentioned an unnamed drell.

“I was”, Thane replied.

“But not anymore.”

“Unfortunately, in my current state I would be a burden rather than a benefit.”

Kaidan nodded, by courtesy not asking further questions. The drell didn’t look wounded, but he was here, so something was obviously wrong with him.

“I noticed you watching me when my son came to visit the other day”, Thane said.

“I didn’t mean to intrude”, Kaidan said. “Not much to see from a hospital bed.”

“Time moves swiftly”, Thane said. “So quietly, we might not even realize before it runs out. Do not let it pass you by.”


	9. My Darkest Hour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "My Darkest Hour" by Dynazty

It was on the vid screens even before the alarms went off: shocked reporters trying to explain a situation they didn’t know anything about themselves, shots fired in the background, civilians gunned down, and a whole lot of people in Cerberus armour. Patients, visitors and staff alike had gathered in front of the screens, watching in a petrified silence.

“We need to seal off the hospital”, an asari Kaidan had seen working at the front desk said.

“Right”, a salarian doctor agreed. “Initiate containment protocols.”

Kaidan looked to his right and met Thane’s gaze. The drell looked wide awake, a fire burning in his eyes Kaidan hadn’t seen before, and it took merely a nod for both of them to agree that they wouldn’t stay holed up in here.

“Major!”, Dr. Michel called after Kaidan as they headed for the door.

“Just bunker up in here”, he replied, not turning back around.

“I need a weapon”, Thane said as the elevator doors closed behind them.

Kaidan nodded. “We’ll go to the Spectre office”, he said. “I just hope Cerberus hasn’t made it there yet.”

When the elevator doors opened again he’d been prepared to have enemy troops standing in front of him, ready to make use of his biotics if he had to, against the doctor’s advice. However, it was a turian in C-Sec armour, pointing his rifle at him.

“Major Alenko”, Kaidan said, and, seeing that he was wearing Alliance colours, the turian lowered his weapon. “Cerberus hasn’t made it here?”

“Not yet”, the turian replied. “They took C-Sec headquarters. We don’t have comms, we’re fighting blind.”

“Where’s the Council?”, Kaidan asked, the turian following him on his way to the Spectre office.

“Udina’s office”, the turian replied. “We’re trying to keep them safe there.”

_“Alenko, human, Spectre status recognized”_ , the security system greeted him as the door opened. Good, he was already in the system. Though he’d pictured his first visit here a little differently.

“If Cerberus gets here, they’re cornered”, Kaidan said, taking a gun from the weapons locker and handing it to Thane. “We need to get them off the station.”

“There are only two other C-Sec officers within range”, the turian said.

“I’ll come with you”, Kaidan said while putting on an Alliance armour. “Thane?”

“I’ll be heading to C-Sec headquarters”, the drell said. “Without C-Sec, we don’t stand a chance.”

Kaidan nodded. “Good luck. Be safe.”

“May Arashu guide you”, Thane said, walking out the door, and when Kaidan followed him a moment later he’d already disappeared into thin air.

“We’re leaving one of your men with the civilians”, Kaidan said, walking past another C-Sec turian guarding the door to Udina’s office.

“Alenko”, Udina greeted him, sounding somewhat surprised.

“Where’s Valern?”, Kaidan asked after scanning the room and not spotting the salarian Councillor.

“We don’t know”, the asari Councillor said. “He wasn’t in his office when the attack started.”

“He’s probably already dead”, Udina said.

“We need to get all of you off the station”, Kaidan said.

“It would be safer to just stay here”, Udina objected.

“It’s only a question of time until Cerberus gains access to this area”, Kaidan said. “This is not a defensible location, you can’t just sit it out here.”

“But going out there would be even more dangerous!”, Udina said.

“With all due respect – right now, that’s my call to make”, Kaidan said.

“Spectre Alenko is right”, the asari Councillor said. “We have to leave the Citadel.”

Nice to get some backup. Because even if it was in fact not their decision to make, trying to haul their asses out of here while they refused to move would have been a challenge Kaidan didn’t need right now.

“We’ll take the stairs in the back, down to the maintenance elevators”, Kaidan said. “We’ll get you on a shuttle.”

“I still don’t think-”, Udina started, but the turian Councillor interrupted him with a simple “Let’s not waste any more time.”

“Varnis, you stay here”, the turian C-Sec officer told his colleague who’d been guarding the door. “Bennett, with us.”

Kaidan took the lead, the turian beside him, the human C-Sec officer at the rear, following the three Councillors. They made it down the stairs without running into anyone and were greeted by a sealed door.

“I’ll override it”, the turian said, he held his omni-tool up to the lock, when they heard gunshots from the other side.

“Stand back”, Kaidan said, and while the Councillors followed his instructions, Bennett already moved up to him, back against the wall to the right side of the door while Kaidan took the left.

The door opened to a large warehouse which would likely prove difficult to get through unnoticed. He spotted a couple of Cerberus soldiers in a passageway on the side of the hall, the fifty meters in front of them looking clear of the enemy, but not clear of bodies. Apparently Cerberus was already done here.

“They’ll spot us”, the turian said. “I’ll draw their fire. You move ahead.”

Kaidan nodded, and without hesitation the turian dashed through the door and to the right, taking cover behind some large crates.

“Move”, Kaidan told the Councillors the moment the turian fired the first shot.

One of the Cerberus soldiers went down, another one, and a third. They’d almost made it to the door leading to the elevators when the turian was hit by a sniper, a bullet straight to the head.

The door opened and the Councillors ran through, but Bennett stopped, lifted his gun and returned fire. While Kaidan couldn’t claim that he didn’t understand the young man’s reaction at seeing his colleague go down, it was certainly counterproductive for their attempt to not draw attention to themselves.

Bennett paid the price almost instantly as a bullet hit him in the leg, ripped open his armour and made him stumble backwards and fall to the ground. Kaidan grabbed the man’s arm, pulled him through the door and activated his omni-tool to seal it from the inside.

“Leave me here”, Bennett said, on the ground, holding his leg.

Kaidan would. He had to. “Door is sealed”, he said while unlocking the maintenance elevator in front of them. “Will take them a while to get through.”

The elevator took its time, long enough for him to throw another look at Bennett. He was young, still a kid almost, had probably only just started his job with C-Sec. Which might have been the reason the turian had decided to take him along rather than leave him behind on his own.

Kaidan walked over to the other elevator, unlocked it, and went back to the young man to help him to his feet.

“Get in!”, he yelled at the Councillors when the first elevator arrived while dragging Bennett over to the second elevator where he at least managed to remain standing, supporting himself against the wall. “Seal the elevator door, call for help when the comms come back online.”

Bennett nodded, and Kaidan followed the Councillors into the elevator.

It was an eerily quiet elevator ride, the first time none of the Councillors had anything to say. Two more floors. Kaidan readied his gun, and the doors opened to a deserted corridor. He stepped outside, throwing a quick look in both directions, then motioned the Councillors to follow him. The elevator that would take them to one of the emergency evacuation points was only twenty more meters down this hallway.

It was so quiet and empty here, their footsteps echoed loudly and he could hear every single plate of his armour moving. He called the elevator, waiting with his gun raised for the doors to open, but again, it was empty. Almost there now, he thought as the doors closed behind them, just a few more floors.

Something heavy hit the top of the elevator. There was no way Cerberus could already have caught up with them. No way they could know where they were.

“What’s that noise”, the asari Councillor said.

That had definitely sounded like a person. More than one, actually. “Gunmen”, Kaidan said, raising his weapon and firing a couple of shots through the elevator’s roof.

The elevator came to a halt.

“Move!”, he yelled at the Councillors. These people were no soldiers. They were so slow, it felt like herding sheep. But that was what he was a soldier for. He followed them outside, his eyes still on the empty elevator, only turning around for a moment to see that the damn shuttle was on fire. This was really going great.

He’d been about to get them back on the elevator, hoping he’d either shot their pursuers or they’d retreated, when the door opened and he found himself facing not Cerberus but three very familiar faces.

“Shepard”, Kaidan said, and it wasn’t merely a name but a question as Kaidan was trying to wrap his mind around what he was doing here, flanked by Liara and Garrus, all with guns drawn, pointed at the Councillors.

“I’m here for Udina”, Shepard said.

“Shepard’s blocking our escape”, Udina said angrily. “He’s with Cerberus!”

Kaidan could feel the tension in the air. That certain feeling that the tiniest spark could make everything blow up. One wrong word, one wrong move, and someone would end up dead.

“Just, hang on – I got this”, he said firmly, slowly stepping to the side to position himself between the Councillors and the Normandy’s crew. “Everyone calm down.”

He looked into Shepard’s eyes, but he couldn’t find any answers there. He knew what Shepard was like. He knew that he could be a cold-blooded killer – if he had to.

“I can explain this, Kaidan”, Shepard said.

“Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on a Councillor? Kinda looks bad”, Kaidan said. He wanted to hear him explain it and he wanted to believe whatever he’d say. But what he was seeing here right now wouldn’t be explained away too easily.

“He’s worked for them before, he’s with them now!”, Udina said.

Well, Udina had always hated Shepard. And he hadn’t really worked for them. He’d never really been Cerberus, had he? “I saw him fight Cerberus troops on Mars”, Kaidan said, not lowering his gun or taking his eyes off Shepard. “Now explain that.”

“You’ve been fooled, all of you”, Shepard said. “Udina’s behind this attack. The salarian Councillor confirmed it.”

“Please. You have no proof. You never do!”, Udina said.

Kaidan remembered being on the other side, standing next to Shepard while the Council told them they had no evidence.

“There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator behind us”, Shepard said. “If you open that door, they’ll kill you all.”

“We’ve mistrusted Shepard before, and it did not help us”, the asari Councillor said.

“We don’t have time to debate this!”, Udina barked, stepping up to the console to unlock the elevator door.

Udina had been quite adamant that the Council stay in his office. Something that would have come in handy if he’d actually had this whole thing planned out.

“Kaidan – stand down”, Shepard said and lowered his weapon. “You know I’m right. Trust your instincts.”

Shepard could have just shot him. Three on one, Kaidan knew he didn’t stand a chance here. If he was with Cerberus, if he wanted the Council dead, why hesitate? If Shepard wanted something done, he’d get it done, no matter who stood in his way.

But he hadn’t shot him. Instead he’d lowered his gun. Because he trusted him to do the right thing.

“I better not regret this”, Kaidan said.

“You won’t”, Shepard said as Kaidan turned around to point his gun at the human Councillor instead, feeling every fibre of his being revolting against it. This was the man he was supposed to protect.

“Udina, step away from the console”, he said.

Udina didn’t move, but the asari Councillor walked towards him, taking his arm. He pushed her to the ground and suddenly he drew a weapon, pointing it at her.

“Gun!”, Kaidan called out by instinct, Alliance training kicking in. He could feel the adrenaline, everything around him slowed down, giving him time to make his decision.

And then he took the shot.

Udina stumbled backwards, the gun fell from his hand, and he went to the ground.

Kaidan had left it to Shepard to accompany the turian and asari Councillors to C-Sec headquarters where they’d remain until it was certain that the Citadel had been cleared of Cerberus soldiers. His own mind was still busy trying to process how everything had gone down. How he could not have seen it sooner. If there might have been another way, a way to not kill the very man he was supposed to protect. And if Shepard could ever forgive him for doubting him once again.

The way to Huerta Memorial had been declared safe, so he’d gone up there to gather his belongings and finally vacate his room for someone who actually needed it. There would probably be quite a few people who did now.

He spotted Varnis, the turian from C-Sec who’d stayed behind on the embassies floor, as soon as he entered the lounge. Varnis gave him a nod, and Kaidan returned it and headed to his room.

Not much to collect here, actually. Toothbrush. Definitely worth coming back here for that, like he couldn’t just have bought a new one. Razor. That book he’d found kind of boring anyway. The bottle of whiskey he still hoped he wouldn’t have to drink alone. And Shepard’s hoodie that Kaidan had folded and put back on the chair by the wall. He’d return this to him, and if Shepard then decided to walk away from him for good, he’d just have to accept that.

Varnis was still there when he went back to the lounge, standing in a corner, apparently waiting for something. Kaidan walked over to him.

“The turian that went with me – he didn’t make it”, he said.

Varnis nodded. “Bennett told me”, he said, confirming that at least the young C-Sec officer had survived.

“What was his name?”, Kaidan asked.

“Captain Maxinus Gavrian”, Varnis replied. “Good man.”

“He did C-Sec proud”, Kaidan said, and while still wondering if saying things like that had actually ever made anything better, he spotted the Alliance soldier, still one-legged but now on crutches instead of in a wheelchair. It had been a dumpster fire of a day already, so he could just wrap this up as well.

“Sutcliffe”, he greeted him, getting straight to the point: “Your sister is listed KIA. I’m sorry.”

The expectant look on the young soldier’s face changed into one of solemn awareness. He had to have expected this.

“She was evacuating civilians onto shuttles when she was attacked”, Kaidan said.

Lieutenant Sutcliffe nodded. “Thank you, Major”, he said, taking a deep breath. “At least now I know she didn’t die in vain.”

“I’m sorry”, Kaidan said again, sick of the platitudes about fighting hard and dying proud, because when it came down to it, it was just another life that had ended way too young.


	10. Full Circle

He’d been hanging around in the hallway leading from the docking bay to the Normandy for almost half an hour before Shepard eventually showed up. Too much time staring out of the window, alone with his thoughts.

“Kaidan”, Shepard greeted him. “Wondered where you disappeared to.”

“Had some things to take care of”, Kaidan said. “Listen, Shepard –”

“I realize we may have things to talk about”, Shepard interrupted him. “But engines are running and we’ve got clearance to depart. This is not the time.”

“I understand”, Kaidan said, lowering his gaze, ready to wish him good luck and tell him to be safe.

The door leading to the docking bay opened and Garrus stepped through, throwing them merely a quick look before continuing on his way to the ship.

“I want you back on the Normandy”, Shepard said. Now this was something Kaidan had not expected. “Whatever we might have to discuss is about us, not about the mission. All I need to be sure of for the mission is that you’ll follow my orders without hesitating – and I already know that. So if you want to come... We’ll have time to talk later.”

The door opened again and this time James Vega came jogging past them. “Commander, Major”, he greeted them, slowing his pace. “Guess I didn’t have to worry about you leaving without me, then”, he said before disappearing through the next door.

“I do”, Kaidan said. “I want to come.”

“I was hoping you’d say that”, Shepard said, reaching out and shaking his hand. “Welcome aboard, Major.”

“Thank you, Commander”, Kaidan replied and walked ahead of him through door leading to the Normandy.

Not feeling up to talking to anyone right now, Kaidan had quickly thrown his bag into a corner in the crew quarters which had thankfully been empty except for a guy sleeping in one of the bunk beds. Surprisingly enough, it didn’t even take him long to find a place with no one around – and on top of it, the starboard observation even had a great view. Although today the sight of space seemed a little less comforting than it used to be. There was just too much on his mind. If it hadn’t been for that, he’d have already been asleep by now. He was tired as hell.

His omni-tool flashed with a message. Shepard.

_“Still awake? Come on up? It’s UP now.”_

He still didn’t feel quite ready for talking, but he knew they’d have to clear the air. Once again. Once and for all this time, he hoped.

It was only a few steps to the elevator, but sure enough he walked straight into Garrus.

“Kaidan”, the turian greeted him.

“Garrus. It’s good to see you”, Kaidan said. “You know, without guns drawn.”

“It’s been quite a day, hasn’t it”, Garrus replied. “Well, I’m – glad I didn’t have to take that shot.”

“So am I”, Kaidan said.

“Good to have you with us again.”

“Thank you. Feels good to be back.”

Garrus nodded at him, and Kaidan continued on his way to the elevator, feeling like he was dragging his feet, needing this conversation they were going to have, but dreading it at the same time. This seemed to be turning into a pattern.

“Now that’s what I call an upgrade”, he said, genuinely impressed as he looked around the captain’s cabin.

“Too much space, really”, Shepard said. “Please do take note of the fish, though, because I’m rather proud of having kept them alive for practically ages now.”

Kaidan smiled, his eyes lingering on the fish tank and its colourful inhabitants for a moment. He liked it. Watching them swim about had a soothing effect on him. But it wasn’t what he was here for.

“Also – seating accommodations”, Shepard said, nodding at the sofa. “Good for talking, which I guess is what we’re gonna do now.”

Kaidan was surprised by his demeanour. He actually seemed a little flustered.

“Yeah”, Kaidan said. “Let’s get this over with.”

He followed Shepard over to the sofa, sitting down almost awkwardly far away from him, but he felt he’d need some distance between them for this.

“I’ve already told you that I’m sorry”, Kaidan said. “Sorry for doubting you, for walking away from you, for not even giving you a chance to explain. I didn’t want to hear it. I was... hurt. For two years I’d mourned you, and I’d blamed myself for abandoning ship instead of staying with you...” He took a deep breath. They’d been over this already, but he still felt like he couldn’t tell him often enough. “I’m sorry. That’s all I can say. For every single time I doubted you.”

“You’re here now”, Shepard said.

“A bit late to the party”, Kaidan said.

“Kaidan – you never betrayed me, and you never lied to me. We both had our reasons for doing what we did. But when it came down to it, when we were standing on the Citadel, guns drawn on each other, you didn’t trust what you saw with your own eyes, but instead you chose to trust me. If you hadn’t, you’d never have stood down. You’d rather have gotten yourself killed than abandon the people you were protecting.”

“Would you have pulled the trigger?”

“I didn’t think about it. I trusted you. I knew you’d come around.”

“But what if I hadn’t stood down? The mission comes first, we’ve both always said that. If we meant it, then...”, he said, not finishing his thought.

“You really want to hear me say that I would have taken you out, don’t you?”

“I... I don’t know. Maybe”, Kaidan said. Yes, he wanted to hear it, because he knew he himself couldn’t have done it, and that was what made them different. That was what made Shepard a Spectre, and himself Udina’s puppet.

Shepard leaned back, looking over at the fish swimming in the tank. “Can’t tell you”, he said eventually, turning his attention back to Kaidan. “I honestly don’t know if I could have done it.”

Kaidan nodded, realizing that by saying this he was already letting on much more than he should.

“I want to put this behind us for good”, Shepard said. “So if there’s anything left to say, let’s say it now.”

“Just know that I’ll never doubt you again”, Kaidan said.

They sat in a moment of silence, but the silence didn’t feel as heavy anymore.

“Settling in alright?”, Shepard asked. “How does it feel to officially be Normandy crew again?”

“Strange”, Kaidan said. “Now that she’s flying Alliance colours, it’s almost like she’s the same ship. Brings back memories. Good and bad.”

“It’s good that you’re back”, Shepard said. “You were there from the beginning, since Eden Prime, when it all started. Now you’ll be here when it ends. Things are coming full circle.”

Those had been simpler times. It hadn’t seemed that way then, but looking back now it felt almost like they hadn’t had a care in the world. Fighting the geth, taking out Saren and Sovereign, the people they’d lost, the decisions that had to be made, none of it had been easy. But Kaidan had always had the sure feeling that they were winning. And Shepard and him, that had been so easy. So untainted, no mistakes made, no need to apologize and to forgive.

“What are we?”, Kaidan asked. “I mean – you and I.”

“What do you want us to be?”

“I can’t just say how I want things to be and then that’s how they are. It’s not that simple.”

“Nothing’s ever simple with you, is it”, Shepard said, smiling at him. “If it was that simple, what would you want?”

Kaidan knew what he wanted, but once he’d say it, there’d be no taking it back. Then again, he could be dead tomorrow. He should have died on Mars, he could have died today. Time moves swiftly – Thane had been right about that.

“I’d want you in my life”, he said. “I missed talking to you, just being around you. Fighting next to you, having someone by my side I can blindly depend on. I’d want you back as my friend. And... as more than that.”

“I’m sorry that I never replied to that message you sent me”, Shepard said. “After Horizon. It meant a lot to me. And I wanted to reply but... I guess I just didn’t have the balls. Because I knew that by putting on a Cerberus armour I had betrayed everything you stand for.”

“You did the right thing”, Kaidan said. “Doing the right thing is more important than wearing the right colours.”

“I missed you”, Shepard said, and when Kaidan looked into his eyes now, he could finally see him: the man he had loved, and still did. And for the first time he knew without a doubt that he was the same man he’d always been, no matter what Cerberus had done to bring him back. “And I know”, Shepard said, “there must be a way for us to again be what we used to be. Because I want that more than anything. And I usually get what I want.”

Kaidan smiled at him, and when Shepard reached out, Kaidan took his hand, wrapping his fingers tightly around it, as if to make sure to never let him slip away again.

There was a sound from the door, announcing a visitor standing outside.

“Always someone around to interrupt us”, Shepard said. “Just like old times.”

Kaidan laughed.

“Come on in!”, Shepard called, standing up, and Kaidan reluctantly let go of his hand.

It was Traynor. She stepped inside, looked from Shepard to Kaidan and back to Shepard again.

“Oh, sorry”, she said. “I thought you were on your own. Again. I seem to have a talent for this.”

“I’m leaving”, Kaidan said and got up from the sofa. “Need to catch up on some sleep. Talk to you later”, he said to Shepard, giving Traynor a polite smile as he walked past her to the door.

Kaidan yawned as he stepped into the elevator. This day had been way too long. At least it had made him tired enough to no longer be bothered by the thought of having to share the crew quarters with a bunch of people who didn’t know him and probably didn’t like him very much. He couldn’t even blame them: the only thing they were likely to know about him was that he was the guy who almost got the Council killed while he’d had a gun drawn on their CO. Yeah, he was not going to be making a lot of friends.

The moment the elevator doors opened, he was wide awake again.

“What the...”, he muttered, taking a step backwards into the elevator, his hand instinctively reaching for a weapon he wasn’t carrying.

“Welcome back aboard, Major Alenko”, the android said in a familiar voice.

“EDI?”, Kaidan asked, his surprise obvious.

“I have acquired this body to allow me to be of more assistance on missions and also to integrate better with the crew”, EDI explained.

“Well, that... yeah. Sure, someone could have warned me, but... looking good, EDI”, Kaidan said.

“My calculations whether my new appearance would find your approval were inconclusive”, EDI said. “Large parts of the crew have expressed a positive perception. Jeff also seems to find it agreeable.”

“I’m sure he does”, Kaidan said with a quick smile. Last time this body had come charging towards him he really hadn’t paid attention to how it looked but yes, it was definitely... agreeable. “I’ll talk to you later, EDI. Got to get some sleep.”

“Good night, Major”, EDI said and nodded at him.

“Ardat what?”, Kaidan asked, arms crossed in front of his chest, leaning against the wall behind what might have been his seat in the cockpit once but was EDI’s now.

“Hot killer asari, basically”, Joker said. “You fuck them, you die. Guess there are worse ways to go out, but well – that’s why the asari lock them away. And we break them out, apparently.”

“The distress signal was passed on by Asari High Command”, EDI said. “Also, the Ardat-Yakshi voluntarily choose a secluded life. Hence this mission does not qualify as a prison breakout.”

“Voluntarily with the only other option being death, yeah”, Joker said. “Talking about hot asari – you and Liara ever had a thing?”, he asked, throwing a look over his shoulder at Kaidan. “Been wanting to ask you that forever.”

“Not like it’s any of your business, but no”, Kaidan said.

“Ah, well, just wondering. You spent a lot of time together – you know, back in the day.”

Admittedly, they had. He’d liked her right from the start, and she’d seemed happy to have something in common with at least one person on the ship.

“Just hope the Commander’s not going to rent out rooms to them aboard my ship”, Joker said.

“Afraid you’d fall for one of them?”, Kaidan said. “Had a feeling you had your eyes on someone else already.”

“What? Why? No. I mean, I just think it might be bad for morale if we found someone dead every other morning after a hot night with a murderous asari”, Joker said. “Less crowded crew quarters, though.”

Kaidan smiled to himself. It was too obvious that there was something going on between Joker and EDI. Obvious to everyone but themselves, maybe. Thinking about it, he wondered whether he and Shepard had been the same way and the whole crew had known before they had.

“Gotta go”, Kaidan said as he remembered that he was supposed to go over the personnel files of the marines on board. He had a distinct feeling that Shepard was considering making him his marine officer, and he was going to let him know that he didn’t think that was a good idea – not only because Vega would definitely take losing this position personal. “Got some work to do.”

“Oh, you’re actually working here?”, Joker said. “Thought you were just here to get a free ride with complimentary dinner, the Spectre way.”

“That big mouth of yours will be the end of you one day”, Kaidan said, unimpressed.

“Hah! Appreciate your faith in me, man, but no way my mouth will beat the Reapers to the punch”, Joker replied.

He hadn’t even realized that the Normandy wasn’t flying with a full crew before going over the manifest. Sure, he’d been aware of it when they’d left Earth, but he’d expected Shepard to have brought in more staff than just a couple of marines and two engineers by now.

“EDI?”, Kaidan asked into the empty room around him. “Is Shepard back?”

_“The Commander has been back aboard for 42 minutes”_ , EDI dutifully answered his question. _“Would you like me to relay a message?”_

“No. Thank you”, he said, grabbed the crew manifest and walked out to the elevator to pay Shepard a visit.

The door to his cabin opened as soon as Kaidan touched it, so apparently he was allowed in without announcing himself.

“Hey”, he greeted Shepard who was standing in front of his desk, giving the clunky terminal he’d placed on there an annoyed look. “Got a minute?”

“For you – more than one”, Shepard said, turning around to face him. “What about?”

“Uhm... I looked over the crew manifest”, Kaidan said, handing the data pad back to him. “Am I wrong to assume you’re considering making me your marine officer?”

“I’ve been thinking about it”, Shepard said.

“Ok – not a good idea, in my opinion”, Kaidan said.

“Why not?”

“Because they don’t trust me. I’m the guy who had a gun drawn on their CO.”

“Well, you didn’t shoot me”, Shepard said. “Ok – technically you did. On the elevator.”

“Didn’t know it was you then”, Kaidan said. “And I didn’t even hit you.”

“See?”, Shepard said.

“Vega’s a good soldier”, Kaidan said.

“He sure is. But I need people I trust completely at my side.”

“You don’t trust him?”

“I do. But–”

“See?”, Kaidan said.

“Ok, I get it: You don’t want the job”, Shepard said, smiling at him. “Just don’t believe you can go all Spectre on me now – you’re under my command, whether as my marine officer or not.”

“Aye, aye, Commander”, Kaidan said, returning the smile. “So, how did things go in the asari monastery?”

“Acceptable, given the circumstances”, Shepard said. “We could only save one of them. But at least one of them. Took out a whole bunch of husks. Blew the place up. So, yeah, acceptable. Ran into an old acquaintance. You know about asari justicars?”

“Heard of them, never met one. Luckily, I guess.”

“The one we saved is the daughter of a justicar named Samara. She was part of my crew for a while. You know – when you weren’t around.”

“You’re going to keep bringing that up, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I think I’ll keep doing that”, Shepard said with a grin.

Kaidan smiled at him. He was ok with that. They both were.

“You’re such an ass”, he said nonetheless.

“Speaking of which – I remember we got interrupted the last time I’d lured you up here.”

“Seriously?”, Kaidan asked. “That’s how you’re going to hit on me?”

“I don’t know”, Shepard said, laughing. “I was hoping we could skip that part. Neither of us is any good at flirting and we’ve already fought our way through it once.”

“Successfully, I may add”, Kaidan said.

Shepard was leaning against his desk, looking at him, his eyes all gentle and soft, the kind of look Kaidan knew was reserved for him alone.

Kaidan slowly stepped towards him, closing in on him until he could feel his breath on his skin. Shepard was still waiting patiently for him to make the first move, so Kaidan reached out, ran his hand along his arm, over his chest, placed it on his cheek and gently kissed him on the lips. Having gotten the go-ahead he’d been waiting for, Shepard didn’t hesitate any longer and returned the kiss, hungry and demanding, and Kaidan knew that he’d been longing for this moment just as much as he had.

“Let’s...”, he said nonetheless, putting his hand on Shepard’s chest again to push him back a little. “Let’s take it slow, ok? It’s been a while for me.”

“A while?”, Shepard asked.

“Well, three years.”

“Nobody?”

“Nobody. Guess I never got over you.”

“Hm. Let’s find out if you’re out of practice then.”

“Yeah”, Kaidan said, smiling. “Let’s.”

When he woke up he instinctively put his right arm to the side, checking the space next to him to find the bed empty. He only realised that he was not alone here after all when he heard Shepard quietly cursing from somewhere in the room. Kaidan sat up, ran a hand through his hair and put his pants and boots back on before walking up to Shepard’s work space.

“What are you doing there?”, he asked the pair of legs visible from the desk Shepard had disappeared under.

“I’m trying”, Shepard began to explain while crawling out, “to hook up this secure communication terminal, but the damn power cord’s too short. Can’t put it anywhere else because it needs the old-fashioned data port and I only have one of those over here. Put that shirt on, you’re distracting me.”

Kaidan grinned at him, doing as he’d been asked and putting on the T-shirt he’d been carrying in his hand.

“And believe it or not”, Shepard went on complaining, “there doesn’t seem to be an extension cable anywhere on this ship. Because, quoting Adams, ‘what for, we never needed one’. So I guess I’ll have to somehow make a longer cable from two short ones. At least it’ll give me a chance to accidentally electrocute myself before the Reapers get me.”

“Ok, it might be a stupid question”, Kaidan said, “but power cords are all the same, so why don’t you simply use the one of the terminal here to plug it in? And then basically switch all the cables one spot to the right? You still got spare ones over there.”

“Well, because...”, Shepard began to object, but then fell silent. “God, I’m dense”, he said eventually.

Kaidan laughed.

“Yeah, yeah, you go ahead and laugh about me...”, Shepard muttered while beginning to switch the power cords around.

“Sorry”, Kaidan said, still grinning. “It’s just nice to see that the infallible Commander Shepard sometimes is an idiot, just like the rest of us. You know – the normal people.”

“Talking about being an idiot – I hear Allers dragged you in front of the camera?”, Shepard said. “She asked me if you’d even had any media training at all.”

“Oh God... yeah. Completely blindsided me. When did you start going to bed with the press?”

“I actually sent her packing when she hit on me”, Shepard said.

Kaidan smiled briefly. “Not what I meant”, he said. “But maybe you could tell her to... you know, just leave me the hell alone?”

“You’re too polite”, Shepard said. “You don’t wanna talk to her – just tell her to take a hike.”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s not her, you know, I’m just not too crazy about being in front of a camera.”

“Why not? You got the looks, the charms, the merit. I should make you my media officer. There should be such a thing as a media officer.”

“Thanks, but no thanks. I’m quite comfortable standing in your shadow, actually.”

“You’re not, though”, Shepard said. “You’re a Major of the Alliance marines with an impeccable service record, and – you’re a Spectre.”

“Yeah, right, that...”, Kaidan said. “Only that Udina had me made a Spectre for no other reason than to use me during Cerberus’ attack on the Citadel.”

“Hope you’re not saying you don’t deserve it”, Shepard said, switching from the banter to a more serious tone and actually leaving the cables be for now to turn around and face him. “Because you do.”

“He was playing the long game, Shepard. Always knew that one day you might get in his way, and he thought me loyal enough to turn against you again after I’d walked away from you on Horizon. Kept feeding me intel on Cerberus, always trying to link you to the most atrocious things he could find about them. Made sure I didn’t get permission to contact you while you were under house arrest. Constantly trying to undermine my faith in you.”

“Well, that backfired.”

“Could have gone any other way, though.”

“If it had been anyone but you with him during the attack, they might have shot first and asked questions later. It worked out in our favour in the end. Everything has fallen into place, and now all that’s left to do is kick some Reaper ass.”

“All that’s left”, Kaidan said. “You really believe that we can do this, don’t you?”

“No choice. We’ll do it, give it all we got, just like we always have.”

“Yeah...”, Kaidan said. “Just like old times.”

“Just like old times”, Shepard said.

When Kaidan stepped out of the elevator onto the crew deck, he almost bumped into Liara. They had hardly spoken since he’d returned to the ship, he realized.

“There I go thinking I’m so well-informed and yet it completely passed me by that you finished the N7 programme”, Liara said, a smirk playing around the corners of her mouth.

“Huh?”, Kaidan replied before making the connection, looking down on himself and realizing that this shirt he was wearing was definitely not his. “Yeah... thanks”, he said, Liara smiling broadly by now. “I’ll just... uhm... go. Get a jacket or something”, he muttered as he walked over to the crew quarters.


	11. Shelter Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "Shelter Me" by Eclipse

“Legion seems a little wary of you”, Shepard said.

“Feeling’s mutual”, Kaidan said. “A geth, Shepard? You're really sure about this?”

“He’s helped us before.”

“But is that enough to trust him? Never know when a machine might turn against you”, Kaidan said, hesitating for a moment and throwing a thoughtful look across the shuttle bay. “Well, ok, you never know with people either.”

“He’s different”, Shepard said. “And I do trust him.”

“Ok, it’s your call”, Kaidan said. “Though, why exactly is he... well, _wearing_ an N7 armour?”

“Asked him that, too”, Shepard said, smiling briefly. “Apparently there’s no data available on that matter. It’s mine, actually. Was.”

“Hm. You’ve made quite a few unusual friends.”

“Guess I have. You never even met Mordin Solus, did you?”

Kaidan shook his head.

“Salarian, doctor and STG in one. Helped create the genophage, gave his life to cure it. He was quite a character”, Shepard said. “You really missed out on a couple of things.”

“You, more than anything”, Kaidan said.

Shepard threw him a quick look over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the requisition terminal. “If only it weren’t so crowded around here, I’d...”, he said. “Well, use your imagination.”

“I think I should be going”, Kaidan said with a smile, grabbing the Avenger he’d taken out of the weapons locker. “I’ll see you later.”

“Sure hope so.”

Four days later he watched Legion die on Rannoch, giving his life to free his people.

He’d followed Shepard’s advice to at least make an attempt to talk to the geth, and it definitely had made Legion seem less like a machine to him. Much like EDI wasn’t just a machine. Not a person either, though. Something in between.

Shepard had been rather quiet since they’d returned to the ship, so Kaidan had decided to invite himself to his quarters and keep him company.

“Now look at that”, Kaidan said, holding up the copy of Fornax he’d found lying on the nightstand.

Shepard was sitting on the sofa, watching him. “Not mine”, he said. “Confiscated that from Vega.”

“Yeah, of course you did...”

“It’s the truth. I mean, I’m not saying I didn’t take a look inside. A couple of looks. But I didn’t buy it.”

“What else are you hiding around here?”, Kaidan asked, putting the magazine back where he’d found it.

“Nothing to hide”, Shepard said. “You’re free to snoop around. I’m utterly boring.”

“Well, I beg to differ”, Kaidan said, walked over to the sofa and sat down next to him. “I followed your advice and talked to Legion. Together with what you saw when he plugged you in to the geth consensus, it really shines a different light on what I’ve been taught about the geth and the quarians.”

“So you understand the decision I made?”, Shepard asked.

“I do.”

“Would you have done the same?”

“I... I really don’t know. I mean, I do sympathize with the quarians for losing their homeworld. But I’ve lost some faith in them. During all of this, they broke their word more than once. Hell, they opened fire on that ship with us still on it”, Kaidan said. “They were so... fixated on obliterating the geth, they might have lost sight of a couple of things. So I guess you could say I support their goal of returning to their homeworld, but I can’t approve of their means. Still don’t know if I had taken the risk of losing their support, though.”

“Yeah”, Shepard said thoughtfully. “I have to admit, I didn’t expect this to go down so well in the end.”

“That’s the Shepard factor”, Kaidan said. “Fixing what’s impossible to fix, it’s just what you do.”

Contrary to what Kaidan had expected, or actually hoped for, Shepard didn’t react with a joke that would allow some of his seemingly infinite self-confidence to resurface. Instead he remained quiet, thoughtful, and very much not himself.

“Last night”, Kaidan just kept talking, “I couldn’t sleep, so I went down to the shuttle bay. Thought I’d do some pull-ups on that bar Vega has there, to tire me out, you know? Didn’t expect anyone to be around, but Vega’s there, supervising three of his marines duct taping a fourth guy to the wall. No need to worry – not some hazing ritual going on, just a friendly bet how long the tape would hold the lightest of them glued to the wall. I put my money on twenty seconds, he was face down on the floor after four.”

Shepard smiled faintly. “Who won?”

“Vega”, Kaidan said. “Basically it just proves that we have really crappy duct tape and you might want to requisition some higher grade stuff. Just in case we need to tape more people to the wall.”

“I’ll put it on my list”, Shepard said. “Since you’re apparently not spending the night in your own bed anyway – stay here?”

“Sure. If you’ll have me”, Kaidan said. “Hate the crew quarters.”

“I was stationed with a guy once who talked in his sleep”, Shepard said, and Kaidan felt relieved that he’d finally got him talking. “And it wasn’t just mumbling to himself – he got out of bed, walked over to you, grabbed you by your collar and kept yelling in your face. Gunnery Chief Kirkwood. Got private quarters eventually. Might have faked it all to get out of the crew quarters.”

“Ok, but that’s just one, admittedly very weird guy you got rid of in the end. What about when you wake up in the middle of the night, and there’s always some guy jerking off under the covers. Stealthily and quietly, but you’ll know.”

Shepard grinned. “You’ve got to go along and make sure you finish first”, he said. “You know, assert dominance.”

“Hm. I’ve got other outlets.”

Shepard smiled at him, leaned forward and kissed him, but then he lowered his head, burying his face into Kaidan’s shoulder. He couldn’t deny that this wasn’t headed in the direction he’d expected, but he put his arms around him, because apparently a hug was what he needed right now.

He hadn’t seen Shepard like this before, and he didn’t know what had caused it. Today, he’d not only singlehandedly taken down a Reaper, he’d also brokered peace, collaboration even, between mortal enemies. He’d done better than anyone could have expected.

“You should get some sleep”, Kaidan said.

“I sleep better when you’re here”, Shepard whispered, still in Kaidan’s arms, face against his chest.

“I’ll be here.”

Waking up from nightmares had become routine for Kaidan, as for many of them, judging by what he’d witnessed in the crew quarters. Usually it was ignored and nobody talked about it, but Shepard was a light sleeper, easily woken by someone tossing and turning next to him.

“Bad dreams?”, he asked, rolling onto his side and gently putting a hand on Kaidan’s chest.

“Yeah.”

“What are they about?”

Kaidan looked up at the large window where space was passing them by. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to drag these dreams into the waking world by talking about them. Especially not those that were about Shepard.

“I keep dreaming about this kid”, Shepard said. “The day we left Earth, there was this little boy. I found him hiding in a ventilation shaft. I was trying to help him, but he wouldn’t come out. He was too scared. Later I saw him again, getting on an Alliance shuttle, and it got shot down. I couldn’t save him. Even if I’d gotten him out of that shaft, I’d have put him on the same shuttle. It wouldn’t have made a difference – I couldn’t have saved him, no matter what I’d have done.”

“You ever dream about dying?”, Kaidan asked. “I mean, about when the SR1 went down?”, he added quickly, not wanting it to sound like some ominous prophecy. Because he’d dreamed about Shepard dying more than once, waking up each time and reaching over to find him there, sleeping safe and sound, alive.

“Sometimes I dream about getting spaced. Losing oxygen, struggling to breathe”, Shepard said. “But it’s not really a nightmare. What stayed with me was the moment when I realized that all the struggling was in vain and I was going to die. I looked at the darkness, the stars, it was so quiet, and I felt at peace like I never had before. Nothing I had to do, nothing I could have done. I gave up, and... it felt good. Just letting go, not fighting any longer. It felt good.”

“For me, it’s husks”, Kaidan said, feeling like he owed that to him after he’d so openly told him about his own nightmares. It was the other recurring dream that haunted him, the one that had woken him tonight and the only one he’d tell him about. “All these creatures the Reapers... make. And they still know they were people once. My dad, turned into a husk, but he’s still there, knows what he’s become. He’s standing in front of me, begging me to kill him, but I can’t do it.”

Shepard rolled onto his back again, gazing out of the window as well.

“EDI? What’s our ETA?”, he asked eventually.

_“ETA for Psi Tophet is estimated at 70 minutes, Commander.”_

“That’s not even worth going back to sleep”, Shepard said, sat up and got out of bed.

“It’s not?”, Kaidan asked while Shepard walked up to his desk, rummaging through one of the shelves.

“Heads up!”, he called out and at the same time threw a box of cookies towards Kaidan who caught it with one hand and a smug smile.

“White chocolate chip”, Kaidan read from the packaging and sat up. “So much for not hiding anything else around here.”

“On a ship like this, everyone’s got a secret stash of something”, Shepard said, jumping back onto the bed next to him and reaching out his hand to get his cookies back. “And if I’d told you, it wouldn’t have been secret anymore, would it?”

“True. But now you’ve blown it.”

“Ah, well. So what’s yours?”

“Don’t have one.”

“Don’t believe you.”

“No, really”, Kaidan said. “Back in the day I used to have a secret stash of salted chocolate almonds. But you can’t buy them on the Citadel, so... no hidden snacks for me.”

“You’re lucky I’m willing to share mine, then”, Shepard said, holding the open box out to him.

Eating cookies in bed before breakfast. If they’d put some cartoons on the vid screen now, Kaidan was sure he would instantly have felt six years old again.

“Tell me something about yourself”, he said instead of suggesting the thing with the cartoons.

“Ok”, Shepard said. “What?”

“Something I don’t know yet.”

“There’s really not that much to know about me.”

“You never talk about your childhood”, Kaidan said. “I mean, I’m not trying to make you if you don’t want to.”

“There’s just not a lot to talk about”, Shepard said. “Grew up in an orphanage, which means my parents are probably dead. Left when I didn’t like it there anymore, enlisted the day I was old enough.”

“Why did you join the Alliance?”

“Because an Alliance soldier was nice to me, basically”, Shepard said. “As a kid, I was headed straight for a career as a criminal. Stealing, burglary, drug peddling, you name it. One night, in front of a pizza place where the owner sometimes gave out leftovers, an Alliance soldier starts talking to me. Guys often tried to chat up the street kids, so I thought that was where this was going. He was in his dress blues, and those look like money, so I figured maybe I could lure him into some back alley and strip him of that money. Scrawny teenager against a soldier – guess I always had a tendency to overestimate myself a little.”

Kaidan smiled at this, because he finally sounded like Shepard again, not like the rollercoaster of emotions he’d been last night.

“The guy buys me food”, Shepard continued his story. “We chat, he tells some stories of space and aliens, all the stuff I’d only ever seen on vids. And then he leaves. For me, it had worked out either way, because I had of course stolen his wallet right after he’d paid for my food. Yeah, yeah, I know”, he said in response to the look Kaidan gave him. “But, unexpected to myself, my conscience got the better of me. I went back there the next day to just drop the wallet somewhere, pretend he’d lost it there. But the guy is there again. Starts talking to me, and I’m sure I’m in trouble now, but he just buys me food, tells me another story, leaves. By now I think he must be a bit of an idiot for not realizing that I’d stolen his wallet, but I like his stories, and the food, of course. So I go back the next day, and the next, and on day five I finally decide to just return his wallet to him and apologize. He actually thanks me, says it’s never too late to turn your life around, and disappears for good.”

“That’s a great story”, Kaidan said. “Definitely puts ‘I’m a biotic, what else am I supposed to do’ to shame.”

“Doesn’t really matter how we got here, does it? Only what we do with it.”

“Did you ever meet him again?”, Kaidan asked.

“No”, Shepard said. “I actually always had that idea that I might run into him again one day, so that I could thank him. Or maybe, you know, that he’d be proud of me? Or of himself, for helping someone to make it.”

“He’s probably seen you on the news by now”, Kaidan said.

“Yeah, well... I don’t think he’d even recognize me. Didn’t look much like myself back then.”

“You’ll just have to put that story into your autobiography then.”

“Am I writing one?”, Shepard asked.

“Of course you will”, Kaidan said. “Once this is done and you saved the whole galaxy, you kind of have to.”

“Ah, right, saving the galaxy. Will have to get out of bed for that”, Shepard said with a sigh. “Guess I should hit the showers. Care to join me?”

Kaidan smiled. “EDI, what’s our ETA?”, he asked.

_“ETA for the Psi Tophet system is 42 minutes, Major.”_

“That’s a no from me, then”, Kaidan said.

“Why? That’s a whole lot of time”, Shepard said.

“Ah, you know, got to get my hair done.”

Shepard laughed and pulled him in for a kiss. “At least I’ll have something to look forward to once we’re done there”, he said.

“Count on it”, Kaidan said. “I’d still take up the offer of using the shower, though.”

“Sure, go ahead”, Shepard said, got up from the bed and walked over to his desk. “I’ll check my messages in the meantime. I’m getting a hell of a lot of messages.”

“You need a secretary”, Kaidan said as he passed him on his way to the bathroom.

“Suggested that to Traynor already”, Shepard said. “She didn’t seem thrilled by the idea.”

Kaidan checked himself in the mirror. “I need to shave”, he muttered.

“Do you?”, Shepard asked, leaning in the doorway now, apparently already having abandoned the idea of checking his messages.

“Yeah, I mean, look at this...”

“I am”, Shepard said.

“What...”, Kaidan said and turned away from the mirror to look at him. “You mean you like it?”, he asked with a shy smile.

“I like it.”

“Well... it’s your ship. With your permission, I’d let it grow out a bit.”

“Permission granted, Major”, Shepard said.

“Ok, but I’ll still close this door now or we both know where this will lead”, Kaidan said. “Go check your messages.”

Half an hour later Kaidan was down in the mess hall. He greeted two of the marines sitting at the table, poured himself a coffee and then waited behind Vega to grab something to eat.

“What are you doing there?”, Kaidan asked after having watched him carefully peel both barcodes off the tray he was about to heat up.

“You really don’t know that trick?”, Vega asked. “If you take off the code you can set the cooker manually. Just crank it up to ten and any food’s done in ten seconds, no need to wait around for five minutes!”

“That’s... uhm... not how it works”, Kaidan said.

“Get ready to be surprised!”, Vega said, slid the tray into the cooker and started heating it up, confidently counting down the seconds. “Seven, six, five, four...”

A quiet bang accompanied by a splattering sound announced that his plan had failed.

“What the...”, Vega muttered, opened the cooker and looked at the bits of food plastering the inside of the appliance. “Ah, damn...”, he said, turning to Kaidan. “That’s not your surprised face, is it?”

“No, it sure ain’t”, Kaidan said at the sight of the exploded breakfast, which actually wasn’t the first meal he’d seen go down that way, because Vega was by no means the one who had invented this neat trick. “Looks like you got some cleaning up to do”, he added while grabbing himself an energy bar instead of a real meal.

Vega pulled out the tray, gave it one last disappointed look and threw it into the trash before he started to clean up the remains of his breakfast, cursing under his breath.

“They should just let me cook here...”, he complained. “With an iron skillet and flames, you know? Real cooking. I make the best damn eggs you’ve ever had...”

“Really?”, Kaidan said and took a sip from his coffee. “You haven’t had eggs if you haven’t tried my fried eggs with cayenne pepper.”

“Yeah?”, Vega replied, throwing him a quick look over his shoulder. “Challenging me?”

“Get some eggs and I’ll show you how it’s done”, Kaidan said.

“Oh, I’ll get some eggs alright. And some tomatoes and tortillas and onions, and then I’ll teach you something about making a good breakfast!”

“When you two are done trading recipes, you can gear up”, Shepard said, walking past them towards Liara’s quarters. “We found Leviathan. Shuttle will be ready in ten minutes.”

“Aye, Commander”, Kaidan said.

Floating dead in the ocean, the downed space vessels looked just like ordinary ships. Ghost ships, full of bodies that had been laid to rest on this godforsaken planet.

Kaidan hadn’t liked the idea of diving down into the unknown waters in that old mech, but who was he to object. Still, the longer they waited up here, the more he wished he hadn’t just let him go.

He was sitting a few steps away from the shuttle, his rifle next to him on the ground, listening to the rain and the waves clashing against the ship’s hull. Vega was still patrolling up and down in front of him even though there were no more Reaper forces to be seen. In his mind, he kept running the question of how long they were supposed to wait before giving up on Shepard, even though the question was futile in itself, because there was no way they’d be getting off this planet. They’d simply starve to death, adding a couple of corpses to this floating graveyard. But if that was what it was going to be, he wouldn’t give up on Shepard until drawing his last breath. He’d learned that much from seeing him come back from the dead before.

He looked up when Cortez came walking over, sitting down next to him.

“I hit on Shepard”, Cortez said. “He sent me packing.”

“Uhm... ok”, Kaidan said. “That’s a weird thing to tell me. And a weird time.”

“If I’d known about you, I wouldn’t have. Just thought you should know.”

“Ok. Thanks. I guess.”

Vega had stopped in front of them and threw Kaidan a questioning look. “Hang on now – you and the Commander?”, he asked.

“Problem?”, Kaidan replied, sounding a bit more defensive than he’d intended to.

“Nah, nah, no problem at all... Just... No problem”, Vega said, shrugging his shoulders and wandering off again.

“Vega’s a little slow sometimes”, Cortez said. “But he’s alright. Known him for years. Maybe a bit shaken to realize he’s the only straight guy on the planet.”

Kaidan smiled at this.

“Shepard’s ok”, Cortez then said in a slightly lower voice. “He always is.”

“Yeah, of course he is”, Kaidan said, not quite sure whether they were lying to make themselves or each other feel better.

“Yo!”, Vega called over to them. “Just wondering – we got any MREs on the Kodiak?”

“Mr. Vega, always so hungry!”, Cortez replied.

“Well, in his defence – his breakfast exploded”, Kaidan said, and Cortez laughed, seemingly not unfamiliar with this issue.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kaidan saw movement above them and his hand was on his rifle even before the first Reaper troops touched down on the ship’s hull.

“Shit!”, Vega shouted, jumping into cover in front of him.

“Had a feeling this wasn’t over yet!”, Cortez said.

Kaidan had jumped off the ledge he’d been sitting on and crouched down next to Vega while Cortez stayed by the shuttle, all of them shooting at the incoming enemy. Taking out ordinary husks wasn’t a big deal, but then these huge creatures the size of an Atlas mech appeared, moving towards them.

“No way we’ll take those out with just rifles!”, Vega put into words what everyone was thinking after firing at them seemed to leave them completely unscathed.

Their turian heads, tiny in comparison to their massive bodies, really made these things the stuff of nightmares. Aside from the fact that Vega was right – they didn’t stand a chance against them, not without heavy weapons.

“Move!”, Kaidan shouted at him as one of the creatures raised its giant, claw-like arm and started charging towards them with heavy steps.

They dashed across the hull for the next cover, but that wouldn’t keep working for long, they just didn’t have enough space to outrun them, no place to hide.

That was when the mech shot up from the water, landing on the ship’s hull, spitting out the human that had been controlling it before falling backwards into the waves.

Kaidan had his eyes on Shepard, waiting for him to move, and felt relief wash over him when he finally made an attempt to get up, even though he only managed to crawl forward a few steps before collapsing to the ground. Still moving, not dead, that had to be good enough right now.

But the weakened soldier had already caught the eye of the brutes, turning their tiny turian heads towards him now. At that moment Kaidan realized that this would be on him. As long as Shepard had been down in the water there had been nothing he could have done, but if those things killed him now and he just stood by, he’d be responsible.

Shooting at them wouldn’t draw their attention, the bullets seemed to just be bouncing off them. He’d have to take a run at them, try to distract them.

Kaidan readied himself to hit the one closer to Shepard with a biotic blast in order to overload its Reaper tech when all of a sudden it stopped dead in its tracks. It looked around as if struck by a sudden identity crisis and then turned towards the other brute, bringing down its heavy claw on its companion instead of attacking the man in front of it.

Kaidan stopped thinking and started moving. Running across the hull, past the huge creatures fighting, seeing a husk coming in his direction from the corner of his eye, and seeing it go down when Vega’s bullets hit it. Despite all his focus being on Shepard as he grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back to his feet, his brain handled the rest, making him aware that the shuttle was airborne, that Vega was moving towards him, and figuring out where he needed to go to just narrowly dodge one of the brutes being knocked to the ground right next to them.

He pushed Shepard into the shuttle, jumped in and dragged him inside, Vega firing a couple of more shots at the husks running at them before the shuttle door closed and they took off.

“The Kodiak’s still airworthy, but it took a few hard hits”, Cortez said once they’d landed the shuttle safely aboard the Normandy and Kaidan was about to rid himself of his last piece of armour. “I’d need parts, can’t just repair that here.”

“We’ll head back to the Citadel to get it fixed. Let them give the ship a quick look-over while we’re there”, Shepard said. “Dismissed everyone. Kaidan, with me.”

“Just imagine how long those creatures must have been hiding on that planet”, Kaidan said as they entered the elevator. “Reminds me of the Thorian we found on Feros.” The elevator doors opened again and Kaidan followed him into his quarters. “Makes you wonder what else could be out there.”

Shepard tossed the data pad onto his desk and turned around to look at him.

“What?”, Kaidan asked.

Shepard slowly walked towards him, put a hand on his chest and gently pushed him backwards until he was standing with his back to the fish tank before leaning in and kissing him.

“This”, he said.

“Oh. This.” Kaidan smiled at him. “Thought you might be a little worn out after your trip to the bottom of the sea.”

Shepard ran his fingers along Kaidan’s throat, rested his hand on his cheek and kissed him again. “Let me prove you wrong.”


	12. End of Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "End of Days" by Cryonic Temple

_“Commander?”_

“EDI?”, Shepard replied to the bodiless voice, rolling onto his back and thereby a little further into Kaidan’s arms, both men acknowledging this with a smile.

_“The Normandy is scheduled to dock at the Citadel in sixty minutes”_ , EDI informed him. _“Lieutenant Cortez expects the repairs on the Kodiak to require a maximum of three hours.”_

“Announce a twelve-hour shore leave for the crew”, Shepard said. “And get some engineers to take a look at the ship.”

_“It will be arranged for, Commander.”_

“Thanks, EDI.”

“Twelve hours, hm?”, Kaidan asked. “Got any plans?”

“Not really”, Shepard said. “Restock rations, it’s basically the only thing that needs doing.”

“Want to do something with me?”

“I want to do a lot of things with you.”

“On the Citadel.”

“Don’t care where.”

“Shepard...”

“Ok”, Shepard gave in. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. We could just do nothing for once”, Kaidan suggested. “Just hang out, kill time.”

“Pretend we’ve got all the time in the world to waste”, Shepard said. “I like it. I’m in.”

“Alright”, Kaidan said. “So find me when you’re done doing your CO things.”

“Can’t. You’re a Spectre, can’t track you.”

“I’ll let you know where I am then.”

Shepard sat up and swung his legs out of the bed, but then paused and yawned. “Once all this is over, I’m going to sleep for one week straight”, he said, rolling his shoulders and stretching his neck.

Kaidan got on his knees behind him, put his hands on his shoulders and started gently massaging them. “You should probably wear something with a collar”, he said, running his thumb over the bite marks on the side of his neck.

“Still visible?”, Shepard asked.

“Yeah... Sorry?”

“Well, I’m not. I’ll wear it with pride.”

Kaidan had wandered aimlessly through the Citadel, browsing the shops, looking at belts, furniture, and jewellery, until he eventually ended up standing in front of a vid screen watching an advertisement for a very elaborate sandwich maker.

“You should get one, heard they’re great”, a familiar voice said and he turned around.

“Cass”, he said while she already had her arms around his shoulders, hugging him.

“I’m still allowed to do that, yeah?”, she asked, taking a step back again. “Major. And Spectre on top of that. Must have been more than a year since I last saw you.”

“It’s a big galaxy”, Kaidan said, feeling a bit guilty that he’d never replied to that message she’d sent him months ago. He’d intended to, but something had come up, and then another thing, and another, until it had been so much too late that it would just have been awkward to still write back.

“I saw you on the news”, she said smiling at him. “Saviour of the Citadel.”

“Well, yeah, that wasn’t really me”, he said, still feeling like the media had treated him with more kindness than he’d deserved.

“I’m so proud of you”, she said. “Ok, that sounded a bit weird. But you know what I mean.”

Kaidan smiled at her. “Where are you stationed?”, he asked, even though he already knew, because she was one of the people he’d kept track of ever since the Reapers’ attack on Earth. He just definitely didn’t want it to look like he was stalking her.

“SSV Helsingborg, medical emergency responder”, she said. “First shore leave we’ve had since all this started. Three days.”

“Twelve hours”, Kaidan said.

“That’s a shame, I’d hoped we’d get to spend some time.”

“Well, if you have half an hour I’d at least invite you for a coffee”, he said. “Can’t let the opportunity pass us by now that we managed to run into each other here.”

“Definitely”, she said.

They had sat down at a small, vintage looking table in front of a café in a quiet corner of the Presidium Commons. While Cass had ordered some complicated coffee concoction that came with cream, cookie crumbs and even a little spaceship on a stick instead of an umbrella, Kaidan had had to put a lot of effort into explaining that he really wanted nothing but a plain coffee.

“So you’re back on the Normandy”, she said after they’d been talking mostly about old times for a while, dodging pretty much every subject directly linked to the war, which wasn’t that easy these days. “Back home. Does it feel like that?”

“Yeah... I guess it actually does”, Kaidan said. “How did you know?”

“Caught a glimpse of you in a vid from when the Normandy docked on the Citadel on ANN”, she said. “I guess anyone who’s hanging out in the vicinity of Commander Shepard is bound to be on the news. And talking about that – can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“I’m not sure if I should ask.”

“Don’t ask if you may ask if you’re not going to.”

“Ok, there’s a little rumour going around, so – is it true that you and Shepard... ?”, she asked, looking at him inquisitively, and Kaidan lowered his gaze a bit, only for a moment and just enough to avoid her eyes. “It’s true!”, she said, knowing him too well to be fooled by this.

“Yeah, ok, just... can you not...”

“My lips are sealed”, she said. “I’m just so happy for you. I really am. You deserve it. And he’s hot.”

Kaidan smiled, blushing a little. “He definitely is”, he said.

“And he treats you right?”, she asked. “I mean, after the disaster that guy Marc was...”

“Cass, please, you sound like my mom.”

“Well, we both knew better and tried to talk you out of that.”

“And I didn’t listen. But this is different. This feels right”, he said. “This feels so right.”

She reached across the table, placed her hand on his and smiled at him. “You know how much I care about you”, she said. “I really want this to work out for you.”

“I know”, he said. “What about you?”

“What about me?”, she asked. “Have I found the right one yet? Nowhere close. I seem to have a tendency to fall for idiots.”

“Is that so?”

“With you being the noteworthy exception, of course.”

“Admittedly, I’m a bit of an idiot.”

“The loveable sort, though”, she said.

They talked for a while longer, then told each other to take care, made a promise to meet again once all this was over, another hug, and she went on her way, leaving Kaidan with a strange feeling of emptiness and apprehension. They hadn’t talked about the war, but they’d both known that this unexpected encounter might very well be the last time they’d ever meet. These were exactly the kind of thoughts he’d been trying to keep away, but standing here alone and looking out at the sky cars, they kept crawling back into his mind.

“Hey there”, Shepard said from behind him and Kaidan turned around. “Thought I’d find you here.”

“Hey”, Kaidan said, feeling all those thoughts he didn’t want to think drifting away again. “Done doing all your important things?”

“Done”, Shepard said. “Want to grab something to eat?”

“Sure.”

“We could go to that asari place on the strip again. The one with the huge bird wings?”

“Yeah, well, how about no?”

“See? I made it something to remember!”, Shepard said. “So where are we going?”

“What I’d really like to eat is something like pizza, burgers, hot dogs”, Kaidan said.

“You’re gonna love me for the rations I got”, Shepard said. “Know the one with lasagne and the two pizza slices? Got three units of those.”

“You’re going to have to ration them.”

“I might actually do that... But now that you brought up hot dogs I really want some.”

“Don’t know where to get any”, Kaidan said. “I could point you to five Chinese places on the Citadel, but hot dogs – no idea.”

“There must be a place selling hot dogs somewhere here”, Shepard said. “If there really isn’t, I’m going to open one.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you will”, Kaidan said. “Let’s just go and ask the ever helpful Avina.”

“That’s always fun...”, Shepard said and followed him over to the closest information terminal. “You do it”, he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest and leaning against the wall.

“Ok”, Kaidan said and stepped up to the holographic asari. “Hey there, Avina.”

“Hello, Major Alenko. Welcome to the Presidium Commons”, the VI greeted him. “You are on the main promenade of the shopping galleria.”

“I’m looking for a place that sells hot dogs”, Kaidan tried his luck.

“I’m sorry to inform you that dogs are not permitted as pets on the Citadel”, Avina said. “There are no stores selling dogs available.”

“Ok... I’m not looking for a pet, I want to buy something to eat”, Kaidan said.

“As the closest available equivalent to the dogs found on Earth I suggest the Tuchankan varren”, Avina said. “A restaurant offering a variety of varren meat specialties can be found on Level 17 of Zakera Ward. Would you like me to give you directions?”

“God, this just keeps getting worse...”, Kaidan muttered to himself. “No”, he said. “I’m looking for food from Earth.”

“My current recommendations include the Jade Garden Chinese restaurant on Silversun Strip. As part of a special promotion, a coupon is available. Would you like me to give you directions?”

“Great! A coupon”, Shepard said with a grin. “We’ve only got eight hours left, so let’s give up on this and settle for fried prawns or something.”

Kaidan sighed. “Alright, then”, he said, throwing the VI one last annoyed look before they started walking towards the elevator. “You know what though? I’d actually like to get a dog some day.”

“Should be no problem on a ship”, Shepard said. “Just three landings a day to take it for a walk. And of course you’d have to get it a spacesuit, in case of an emergency evac. But other than that – no problem.”

“I said some day...”

“I wouldn’t mind a quick drink”, Shepard suggested once they’d finished their Chinese food. “Kill some time in Purgatory?”

“I’ve actually never been there”, Kaidan said.

“Right, clubs, not your thing”, Shepard said. “Because of the migraines.”

“To be perfectly honest – it’s not that bad, really. Sometimes I just use it as an excuse because I feel uncomfortable in crowds.”

“Wouldn’t want to drag you there then either.”

“No, let’s do this. I’ve been wanting to go there ever since Avina told me that it doesn’t even exist.”

“Well, ok, if you want to – let’s go”, Shepard said. “They’ve even got human dancers if you’re not into asari.”

Purgatory seemed a lot less dodgy to Kaidan than he’d expected, with the official tourist information basically denying its existence. Sure, it had exotic dancers and probably its share of lowlife, but at first sight it looked rather polished.

“You get the table, I get the drinks”, Shepard suggested, nodding towards an empty table in a more quiet corner. “What do you want?”

“I don’t know. Just pick something.”

Kaidan scanned his surroundings while walking over to the table: not too many people here yet, but this was a really big place with levels above and below, so he expected it to become a lot more crowded during the night. There were two asari dancing on a platform nearby, watched only by a turian sitting on a sofa, sipping on his drink.

“There you go”, Shepard said, placing two glasses on the table and taking a seat. “It’s got some asari anti-hangover liquor in it, the bartender said.”

“Good thinking”, Kaidan said.

“So... who is the woman you had coffee with?”, Shepard asked. “It’s none of my business, really. I’m just curious. Actually – forget I asked.”

“Cassandra Whitmore”, Kaidan answered his question nonetheless. “Met her during medical training, we had a thing for a while, ended it long ago. And you could have just come over, I’m sure she’d have loved to meet you. She thinks you’re hot.”

“Does she...”, Shepard said, smiling sheepishly. “Why did it not work out between you?”

“Because we realised we were friends and nothing else.”

“How come it took you so long to realise that?”

“It wasn’t that long, really. Three months, maybe. And we both actually knew sooner, it just took a while to sink in”, Kaidan said. “You’re asking a lot of questions.”

“Sorry”, Shepard said. “I just thought, if something went wrong, I want to make sure it doesn’t go wrong with us.”

“It won’t. We belong together. Like fire and ice”, Kaidan said.

“Is that a good or a bad thing?”, Shepard asked. “In your mind? Because in mine in kind of sounds like a bad thing.”

“It’s a good thing”, Kaidan said. “Something about completing each other maybe? If I can’t even explain it, it was probably not the best choice of words... Well, you know me. I say awkward things. But I definitely meant it to be a good thing.”

“Then who’s which?”

“You’re fire, of course”, Kaidan said. “You burn so bright. I’m the quiet, ordinary one, the one nobody notices.”

“I noticed you”, Shepard said.

“That you did”, Kaidan said, after some seconds of silence and another sip from his drink adding: “When?”

“When did I notice you? The moment I first laid eyes on you.”

“Really?”

“Really. You’ve got something intriguing about you. Something that made me think – I want to get to know this guy. Find out who he is.”

“Have you found out?”

“I feel like I’m beginning to.”

“Come on, dance with me”, Kaidan said and got up from his chair.

“Whole galaxy already knows I can’t dance.”

“And still they want to see it”, Kaidan said. “Probably because it’s just so hard to believe what you’re doing on the dance floor for anyone who’s seen you move across a battlefield.”

“You really know how to flatter a man”, Shepard said, taking the hand Kaidan offered to him and allowing him to drag him onto the dance floor.

Kaidan enjoyed this more than he’d expected. Not for this place, which was just a club like any other to him, but for the fact that he didn’t bother too much anymore whether anyone knew about Shepard and him. Cass didn’t care about gossip, so if she’d heard about it, there were probably more than enough rumours going around by now. No use in trying to hide any longer.

Kaidan put his hands on Shepard’s hips, pulled him closer and kissed him.

“Don’t care about fraternization regs anymore?”, Shepard asked.

“Nope, don’t care anymore”, Kaidan said, his arms still wrapped around him, holding him close. “What are they gonna do? Tell a Spectre to get off another Spectre’s ship? Don’t think so.”

“Damn right”, Shepard said, smiling at him.

“Hello, Commander. Major”, EDI said from right next to them, and they both turned their heads in surprise. “Jeff sent me over here to ask whether you would like me to book a hotel room for you.”

“Yeah, of course he did”, Shepard said and nodded at Joker, sitting at the bar and raising his glass to him in return.

“Should I make accommodation arrangements?”, EDI asked.

“No, thank you, EDI”, Shepard said. “He was just making a joke.”

“Oh. I see.”

“Come on, sit with us”, Shepard said, giving Joker a quick wave to invite him to their table as well.

Kaidan was fine with sitting and talking with them. EDI was easily as quirky as he was, although of course she had the convenient excuse of not being human. And Joker... well, he’d known him long enough to get used to him. Just a couple of minutes later, Cortez showed up, as so often trailed by Vega. When eventually Daniels and Donnelly joined them as well, Kaidan allowed himself to retreat from the conversation – there were enough people talking already.

The place had started to fill up rather suddenly. There were considerably more people on the dance floors and at the bars, and he spotted another large group of young Alliance soldiers just coming in through the main entrance.

“You look like you’re ready to leave”, Shepard said, quietly enough so the others wouldn’t overhear.

“I’m good”, Kaidan said automatically.

Shepard kept looking at him, obviously not satisfied with his answer. And he was right, it was getting a bit too crowded in here for his liking. Kaidan nodded.

“Alright, I’m out of here”, Shepard declared and got up.

“Oh, come on Commander, you can’t leave yet”, Cortez said.

“Unlike you guys, I’ve got things to do”, Shepard said, reaching out towards Kaidan, who took his hand and got up from his seat as well.

“Oh, right... _things to do_ ”, Joker said with a grin.

“Don’t do anything they’ll invoice me for”, Shepard said. “And whoever’s not back aboard the Normandy in time can go ahead and apply for a job as a dancer here.”

“I can already see the tips flowing in”, Joker said and the others laughed.

“Guess EDI would have better chances”, Kaidan heard Vega say as they were walking away.

Outside the main entrance, crowds of people had formed, waiting to be let in, and Kaidan felt somewhat relieved once they’d reached the elevator. Crowds really weren’t his thing.

“What kind of dog?”, Shepard asked as soon as the elevator doors had closed behind them.

“Huh?”

“You said you wanted to get a dog. What kind?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’d probably pick some sad looking, three-legged stray.”

“If you pick it, I’ll get to name it.”

“Ok”, Kaidan said. “What would you name it?”

“Cooper.”

“Why?”

“No reason. I just think it’s a cool name for a dog”, Shepard said.

“I can live with that.”

“Want to head back to the ship?”, Shepard asked. “Because I was thinking about doing some pet fish shopping.”

“Why? Did they die?”

“Of course not! Just thought I could get a couple more.”

“In case they die?”

“You have no faith in me, do you?”

“No, no, of course I do”, Kaidan said. “Let’s go buy some backup fish.”

“They’re not backup fish!”

It hadn’t been the first time a shuttle had dropped him off in the middle of a warzone, but never before had it felt like such a punch in the gut. It might have been the live footage of the attack they’d seen on their way there, or maybe because Liara had been with them, watching the downfall of her homeworld. But most likely it had been his thoughts travelling back to Earth where the Reapers had hit just as hard and just as sudden, only that he hadn’t been around long enough to witness his own world burning like he’d seen Thessia.

As soon as he’d jumped out of the shuttle, he’d blocked out these thoughts. Any thoughts, really. Battle mode.

It had been a tough fight, but a good one. Clearing their way through the hordes of Reaper troops, Shepard right by his side, always moving exactly the way Kaidan had expected him to, never wavering, never retreating. A good fight, as long as he’d ignored everything that had been going on around him, telling himself he’d deal with that later.

It was later now. He’d gone back to the starboard observatory, as usual. It was such a nice and quiet place, he was surprised that apparently nobody else seemed to appreciate it. A good place to let the thoughts he’d blocked out back in and grant them the time they deserved. He owed it to all the people who had died on Thessia today: the soldiers holding the line back at the bridge, the pilots covering them on their way to the temple, all the brave asari fighting the Reapers, and the countless civilians massacred in the attack. He’d remember them, and he’d surely never forget the radio message from that one asari, hearing her die as the Reaper descended on her, not knowing whether her sacrifice had made a difference.

It had been the moment he’d seen Shepard break.

The door to the captain’s cabin opened in front of him, but the place was empty, so Kaidan went back down, checked the flight deck and walked up to the cockpit.

“Where’s Shepard?”, he asked, somewhat surprised to not find him there either.

“Should have reached hell by now, if he followed my advice where to go”, Joker said.

“Ok... what happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Obviously, yeah”, Kaidan said.

“Just... keep an eye on him, man”, Joker said. “He’s losing his shit.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Yeah, good luck with that...”

Kaidan’s best guess was that Shepard was hiding away somewhere quiet, and that didn’t leave too many options. He took the elevator to the engineering deck and went down the stairs, only to run into two of the marines around the first corner: Baker and Gowan. Dishevelled hair, hands under shirts, but the pants were still on – he’d walked in on worse scenes. Privacy really was the rarest thing to find on a ship like this. The two of them still looked embarrassed enough while trying to act ridiculously casual.

“Suppose you haven’t seen the Commander around?”, Kaidan asked, jumping aboard the let’s-act-casual-train, not commenting on anything else.

“Life support, maybe”, Baker said, tugging a strand of hair behind her ear. “Saw him going in there about ten minutes ago.”

“Thanks”, Kaidan said. “Uhm... carry on.”

Life support was a clever choice, no one ever went in there unless something needed fixing. The door opened and he saw Shepard standing at the opposite wall, looking out through the window at the drive core. He had to have heard the door but still didn’t turn around, so obviously he wasn’t in the mood for company.

“Hey”, Kaidan said as he walked up to him. “How’re you doing?”

“I’m fine”, Shepard said, continuing his visual examination of the drive core.

“Little run-in with Joker?”, Kaidan asked.

“He needed a reminder that there’s people dying out there.”

When Shepard said that, a weird feeling of déjà vu hit Kaidan, accompanied by the sudden firm belief that Joker’s family was dead. He vaguely remembered talking to him about the attack on the colony his dad and sister lived in, and Joker telling him he hoped that at least his sister had made in onto one of the rescue ships. But he couldn’t place the memory, and it almost seemed to be slipping away when he tried to remember the rest of the conversation. “I’m sure he’s aware of that”, he said.

“Then why won’t he just shut up... There’s nothing funny about any of this. But he’s sitting there acting like everything’s just a big old joke to him!”

“What of it?”, Kaidan asked. “He made an inappropriate joke. It’s what he does. I hide from the rest of the crew and get obsessed with looking up names to find out if people I know are still alive. Vega’s working out night and day, Cortez is repairing shit that doesn’t need repairing. The marines are playing football in the mess, and I tell them to carry on and keep walking. We all have our own ways of coping, let Joker have his.”

“No. I’ve been putting up with his bullshit long enough. He needs to fucking learn when to keep his mouth shut!”

“You know – just because I haven’t said anything doesn’t mean that I don’t notice the bourbon on your breath. I know it’s your way of coping, and I don’t approve of it, but right now I just let you have it.”

Shepard whirled around to face him, his eyes burning with anger like Kaidan hadn’t seen before – at least not directed at him. “Who do you even think you are?”, Shepard asked in a dangerously low voice, charging towards him, grabbing him by his shirt and pushing him backwards against the wall. “You have no idea what you’re talking about”, he hissed. “You’re not the one responsible!”

“What now, Shepard?”, Kaidan asked, not even trying to fight back as Shepard kept him pinned to the wall, his calm tone seemingly not fitting the situation. “Gonna punch me? Just go right ahead. I can take it. But this ship can’t take you walking around and lashing out at people. Because everyone here has their own baggage. Everyone has loved ones missing or dead, and they’re all trying so hard to stay strong and get their jobs done, so don’t you fucking dare take out your anger on them.”

They stood frozen in time for a second before all the rage seemed to suddenly drop from Shepard. He let go of Kaidan and took a step back.

“Guess I’m lucky, then”, he said quietly. “Having the person I care about most right here with me. Knowing he’s alive. And safe.”

“You’re not responsible, Shepard”, Kaidan said. “You’re not responsible for the war or for the Reapers or for anyone dying defending their homeworld. For years you’ve done all you could to prevent this, to warn people, to fight back the Reapers. And right now you’re still doing everything you can.”

“But it’s not enough.”

“I know you’re carrying a hell of a burden right now”, Kaidan said. “But you don’t have to do it alone.”

“And what happens if I don’t do it alone? They all die trying to help me. All these people who laid down their lives for me on Thessia today – and I got jack shit out of it.” Shepard took a deep breath. “We were so damn close. And I walked away with nothing. Kai Leng. I let him get away.”

“This time”, Kaidan said. “He’s a dead man. Just doesn’t know it yet. And once you’ve taken him down, we’ll have the information we need.”

“You have a lot of faith in me.”

“Of course I do. I know you.”

“Too much faith. All these people dying for me left and right, they had faith in me, too. To hear them over the radio in their final moments, and they’re saying my name like it’s a promise. I failed them.”

“Doing your best and giving it your all doesn’t always mean things will turn out the way you want. Sometimes things just go bad.”

“This isn’t just a mission gone bad. This is a whole planet that’s lying in ruins now.”

“Ruins that will be rebuilt”, Kaidan said.

“If we win.”

“When we win.”

“When did you become such a cheerleader?”

“We’re taking turns, actually. My shift ends at midnight.”

Shepard smiled briefly. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“So am I”, Kaidan said.

“I’m sorry that I...”

“It’s ok.”

“I’d never hurt you.”

“I know. It’s ok”, Kaidan said, put his arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug, Shepard burying his face in Kaidan’s shoulder. “I love you”, Kaidan whispered and he could feel Shepard’s arms tightening around him before he released him and stepped back, head lowered and eyes on the ground.

“It wasn’t even about his stupid jokes...”, he muttered.

“Tell him”, Kaidan said.

Shepard nodded.

_“Major Alenko”_ , EDI called him over the ship’s comms. _“The vid-call you requested is available now.”_

“Thanks, EDI”, Kaidan said.

“I’ll leave you to it”, Shepard said and once the door had closed behind him, Kaidan sat down at the table and initiated the call on his omni-tool.

He put on a smile as soon as his mother answered the call. “Hey, Mom.”

_“Kaidan, it’s so good to see your face”_ , she said, returning the smile. _“How are you? You look tired.”_

“I’m good”, he said, wondering if she could really tell how damn tired he was despite the poor video quality or if she’d just have said that anyhow. “How about you? You’re still at grandpa’s cabin?”

_“Yes, it’s still safe here. God knows for how much longer”_ , she said. _“Where are you? What are you doing?”_

“You know I can’t tell you, it’s not a secure channel”, he said.

_“Are you safe?”_

“Don’t worry about me.”

_“How could I not?”_

“How do the kids like the wilderness?”, Kaidan changed the subject.

His mother laughed. _“Oh, they’re still getting used to it. Wouldn’t believe me when I told them that we’re getting our water from the lake, so I took them there and showed them. It was a nice walk. It’s so quiet here. It almost feels like a different world. Maria’s out with them right now, collecting mushrooms. I doubt they’ll bring in anything edible, but well.”_

Kaidan smiled. “Give her my love, yeah?”

_“She worries about you, too.”_

“Then tell her not to.”

_“Kaidan – is he good to you?”_ , she asked.

Kaidan sighed, regretting a little that he’d even mentioned Shepard in the message he’d sent her, giving her more things to worry about and of course repeatedly let him know that she did.

_“I just want you to be happy”_ , she said.

“I am”, he said. “I mean, aside from what things are right now. Aside from all that, I really am.”

She blinked and brought up a hand to wipe a tear from her eyes.

“Mom, please, we had a deal – no crying”, Kaidan said. “You know what? When this is over, I want you to meet him, ok?”

She nodded. _“Yes, we’ll do that.”_

“It’ll all be over soon”, he said. “You guys just stay safe.”

_“Take care, sweetie. I love you.”_

“Love you too, Mom.”


	13. Fallen Worlds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is "Fallen Worlds" by Art Nation

“I really hate this with a passion”, Kaidan muttered under his breath while making his fourth attempt to attach the tiny metal piece to the tiny wing of the tiny model spaceship.

“Just leave it be”, Shepard said.

“No way. Trying to impress you here... though I still don’t get how you can enjoy building these.”

“I find it relaxing.”

“Pretty much the opposite of relaxing... ”, Kaidan said, finally clicking the little piece into place. “Yes! Did it! One of four wings done. You impressed yet?”

“Very much so”, Shepard said.

“Good. I’ll just put it down now and never touch it again”, Kaidan said and turned around with the desk chair. “ETA?”

“About an hour”, Shepard said.

“How do you feel?”

Shepard took a deep breath. “Good”, he then said. “We’re getting close. And I’m ready.”

“Yeah. Feels like we’re hitting the home stretch, doesn’t it?”

“And it’s about time.”

Sanctuary was a beautiful place. It looked like a well-kept park with its green grass, nicely arranged plants, colourful flowers and large water areas with fountains. Just without the people.

Kaidan had heard of Sanctuary. He’d seen posters on the Citadel and he’d overheard people talking about it. A safe haven for refugees. There should have been a lot of people here by now, but the only sign of life was a polite voice still sending out automatic announcements into the abandoned burning building.

The emptiness had made him feel uneasy as soon as they’d stepped through the doors.

Liara accessed the computer in front of them and it started playing recorded surveillance footage showing hundreds of people queuing at the doors and reception desks. Men, women and children with smiles on their faces. People who still had to be around somewhere.

Kaidan picked up a data pad from the desk: _Adults, 65% sent to integration. Children, 85% sent to integration. Family units are being preserved for ease of processing._

“What does that mean?”, he said to himself.

“We’ll find out”, Liara said.

He walked down the stairs towards two shuttles that looked like they had collided mid-air and then come down through the building’s roof. In the rubble he spotted a human hand which upon closer inspection belonged to a young man lying in the wreckage. Kaidan scanned the body with his omni-tool to confirm what he’d already known by looking at him – he was dead. There was a data pad on the ground next to the body. He hesitantly picked it up and listened to the last entry, a hopeful message the man had sent to his father.

“Looks like they took each other out”, Shepard said and Kaidan dropped the data pad and walked over to Shepard and Liara, standing amidst the bodies of Cerberus soldiers and rachni littering the ground.

From the next room they heard the recorded voice of Miranda Lawson, guiding them deeper into the building. Kaidan knew nothing about her except for her name, her affiliation with Cerberus, and the fact that she’d been part of Shepard’s crew once. But apparently Shepard cared about her, and that was enough for him.

“This looks more like a factory than a refugee camp”, Liara said while they were walking through corridors full of what was definitely Reaper tech.

It wasn’t long before they found out how right she was about that. It was indeed a factory. A factory for indoctrinating people and turning them into husks. People who’d come here full of hope, relieved to find safety in a galaxy where nowhere was safe anymore. Parents trying to save their children, only to realise in their final moments that they had surrendered them to a fate worse than death. The thought made him sick. And more than that, it made him angry, and it made him want to not only stop these people but to make them pay for what they’d done.

Kaidan had always tried to not let anger get the better of him, but this felt different. Almost personal.

The anger had stayed with him even after they’d returned to the Normandy. The fact that Kai Leng had once again slipped through their fingers didn’t even bother him, they were on to him now, they’d get him and put this right. But there was no putting right what had happened to all these innocent people inside Sanctuary.

He couldn’t stand being on his own right now, so he left the empty crew quarters behind and went up to the cockpit, finding EDI’s seat empty. Kaidan took his chance and sat down, Joker to his left, the consoles and the familiar view of space in front of him. Just like old times.

“How’s it going?”, Joker asked after a while.

“Been better”, Kaidan said. “You?”

“Yeah”, Joker said. “You realize that I killed him, don’t you?”

Kaidan turned his head to look at him.

“Shepard”, Joker said. “When the Collectors attacked, he came back for me, because I refused to abandon ship. If he hadn’t, I’d be dead now. And because he did, he died. Know how that feels?”

_How the fuck do you think it feels,_ Joker’s voice echoed through his head. “I’m quite sure he doesn’t bear you a grudge because of it”, Kaidan said.

“Do you?”

“No.”

“Did you?”

“It was his decision”, Kaidan said. “Not your fault.”

“Yeah, ok. So you did”, Joker said.

“Maybe I did. For a while”, Kaidan admitted. “But if I did, it was unjustified.”

A warning light started flashing nervously on the console in front of Kaidan.

“So?”, Joker asked. “Gonna just sit there being a Spectre or do some actual work?”

Kaidan smiled at this, sat up straight and tapped on the error displayed on the screen. “I thought EDI was taking care of that kind of stuff”, he said while initiating the restart procedure for the emergency life support systems.

“She usually does”, Joker said. “But she takes a couple of hours off every now and then so I don’t start feeling redundant.”

“That’s rather considerate of her.”

“Yeah, well, feels more like letting a three-year-old win at pairs...”

Kaidan had spent another half hour sitting in the cockpit, looking out of the window and pressing the occasional button, before he returned to the observatory to stand around in front of the window there and look at space a little longer, not really knowing what to do with himself.

“Hey”, Shepard said as he entered the room. “You ok?”

“Yeah.”

“Hm. You don’t really look like you’re ok.”

“I don’t know”, Kaidan said, rubbing his eyes and turning around to face him. “I keep thinking about all those people fleeing the war and ending up in that goddamn hell Sanctuary was. What must have been going through their heads in their final moments. There were families there. Children. Who could do something like that to children? To anyone, really, but...” Kaidan shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just... too soft. But when I see shit like that, I can’t just shrug it off and move on.”

“You’re a good person”, Shepard said. “You care. Sometimes too much for your own good. But that doesn’t make you weak. It’s actually one of the things I really like about you. You’ve got a good heart.”

“It made me so... angry”, Kaidan said. “Doesn’t it make you angry?”

“It does”, Shepard said. “But we’ve seen so much, I’m becoming numb to all the pain and anger. Running out of fuel to keep me fighting. That’s why I need you by my side on the frontline. You remind me to be angry. Feels like you being there will get me through this war.”

“And I will be there”, Kaidan said.

“I know”, Shepard said. “But that scares me. Because with all the people dying around me, I have to accept that I might not make it either. I’m a soldier. I’m supposed to die fighting. So if I go out in a blaze of glory, taking every damn last one of those Reapers with me, I’ll pay that price in a heartbeat. You though – I need you to get out of this alive. I need to know you’ll return home and take your mom on that trip to some beautiful planet. Find someone who cares for you the way you deserve it, and just... be happy.”

Kaidan stepped towards him, put his hand up to the other man’s cheek and kissed him gently on the lips. “I’ve already found him.”

Shepard smiled at him, but his eyes seemed sad. “You should get something to eat”, he then said.

“I’m not hungry”, Kaidan said.

“Yeah, don’t care. You fought like hell down there, which, for a biotic even more than anyone else, means you need to eat, and I know that you didn’t.”

“You’re not my mother, Shepard.”

“No, I’m the guy who can order you to sit down and eat if I think it’s necessary. Don’t make me do that.”

“You’d really do that, wouldn’t you?”

“Actually, I’d rather invite you up. Watch a game or something and have dinner with me?”

Kaidan took a deep breath, but then he nodded. “Ok”, he said. “Sounds like a plan.”

The menus with the two pizza slices were long gone, so Kaidan had picked the chicken, which wasn’t that bad at all, its only major problem being that it came with green beans. They had an old football game on the vid screen and Shepard had revealed that he also had a secret beer stash, so what more could he have asked for.

“Eat your greens”, Shepard said upon noticing the beans Kaidan had left on his tray.

“Or what? Going to order me to?”

“Or I’ll eat them.”

“Help yourself. I hate green beans.”

“How many foods do you actually hate?”, Shepard asked, pulling the tray towards him.

“I don’t know. Some. Everyone’s got things they don’t eat.”

“I don’t”, Shepard said.

“You clearly haven’t had my mom’s cooking.”

“That bad?”

“Not really, just... weird, sometimes. She likes trying out new things. I’m more the type for sticking with the well-known.”

“Yeah. The boring type”, Shepard said.

“You could say so”, Kaidan said. He was rather boring, he knew that. He generally preferred things to be the way they always had been and hated nothing more than a spontaneous change of plans. So yeah, not the adventurous type at all.

“Oh, come on, you know I’m just messing with you”, Shepard said.

“It’s true, though”, Kaidan said. “You’re completely different.”

“Well, I happen to like you just the way you are. So as far as I’m concerned – never change.”

Kaidan laughed. “I think I can do that.”

“Where are you from, actually?”, Shepard asked as he grabbed his beer and leaned back on the sofa.

“Vancouver. You know that.”

“But Alenko isn’t a typical Canadian name, is it? And I know you were born in Singapore.”

“My dad was stationed there at the time”, Kaidan said. “The name’s Ukrainian, from my dad’s side of the family. Mom’s family is Greek with some Turkish thrown in, so that makes me... damned if I know.”

“See? You’re interesting”, Shepard said. “Especially everything from before you were born.”

“You’re really so sweet”, Kaidan said mockingly. “I was actually talking to my mom the other day, told her I’d bring you along so she can meet you. You can ask her about all those interesting things then.”

“I’ve never been introduced to anyone’s mom before.”

“Well, I’m serious about you.”

Shepard smiled broadly at him. “Good”, he said, lifted his legs onto the sofa and lay down, resting his head on Kaidan’s lap.

Kaidan liked it when he did that, because in his mind this was not the kind of stuff you’d do with some one-night stand. This was for someone you felt genuinely connected to. Someone you trusted. Loved.

He put his hand on Shepard’s head, gently running his fingers over the stubble the man called a haircut, and Shepard closed his eyes. Seeing him so relaxed and at peace made Kaidan smile, but it also made him wish he could see him like that more often.

“No way”, Shepard said.

“It’s not that bad”, Kaidan objected. “Just a headache, I have them every other day.”

“That’s not just a headache. You look like shit”, Shepard said. “Look into my eyes and tell me you’re a hundred percent fit right now.”

Kaidan looked into his eyes. “Just be careful”, he said. “This is Cerberus headquarters. Please. Be careful.”

“I’ll be fine”, Shepard said. “You really need to stop worrying about me.”

“Sorry. Can’t do that”, Kaidan said.

Shepard smiled at him. “Get some rest”, he said and nodded towards his bed. “I’ll wake you when I’m back.”

Kaidan would still have preferred to at least go down to the cockpit to listen in on the radio communication. But looking at it rationally, it made no difference whether he was there or not. Nothing he could do from up here anyway.

He grabbed a damp cloth from the bathroom, lay down on the sofa and put the cloth over his eyes. A little nap would have been good for him, but there was no way he was going to fall asleep with all those thoughts buzzing around in his head. Memories of reality so entangled with memories from his nightmares that it was becoming harder to tell one apart from the other. _How the fuck do you think it feels._ He vividly remembered Joker saying that, but he couldn’t recall when or where. Must have been after the SR-1 had gone down. _I’m sorry, Kaidan._ Garrus, calmly, when Kaidan had made a charge at him after he’d been told that they’d left Shepard behind. Nightmare. He’d never been around to watch Shepard die in those dreams, but he’d always known one way or another.

His omni-tool beeped and he took the cloth off his eyes. A message from Liara, asking where he was and whether he’d care for some company. Seeing that getting rest hadn’t been too successful anyway, company didn’t sound like a bad idea.

_“Shepard’s, come on up?”_ , he typed.

“Lovely place to hide, isn’t it”, Liara said as she walked through the door a few minutes later. “You always hated the crew quarters.”

“Yeah, still do. Definitely appreciate having usage rights here”, Kaidan said.

“How are you?”, she asked. “You look tired.”

“Just headaches, the usual.”

“If you’d rather be alone-”

“No, no. It’s not like lack of company would make it any better”, he said. “How are you doing, actually?”

Liara took a deep breath. “Better”, she said. “You know how it feels, watching your homeworld burn. But I’m not thinking about giving up anymore.”

“Yeah”, Kaidan said. “I mean – if we lose, we lose. But we definitely won’t go down without a fight.”

“Do you think we’ll lose?”, Liara asked. “And be honest, please.”

“I don’t know. Maybe. But when I look at everything we’ve achieved so far, when I see all these different races from all across the galaxy uniting against a common enemy, I feel like we really have chance.”

Liara smiled at him, and seeing that made him believe in his own words even more.

“We’re so close”, she said. “Nobody’s ever been so close. These ancient civilizations built on what those who came before them had achieved, cycle after cycle, and now we might get the chance to finally complete their work.”

“Makes it sound like a bit of a victory for all of them”, Kaidan said. “I like that.”

He took the opportunity to ask her about how she’d become the Shadow Broker, which he’d only been informed about in passing with a mere ‘Oh, yeah, Liara’s the Shadow Broker now, it’s a long story’. He appreciated her being around, taking his mind off whatever was going down in that Cerberus base, and he began to wonder whether that might have been the reason she’d showed up here in the first place.

She was still there when the door opened and Shepard stepped inside. “Party in my room and I wasn’t even invited?”, he said. “Or did I just walk in on something I wasn’t supposed to?”

Kaidan felt unusually relieved to see him back aboard. It wasn’t as if Shepard hadn’t been on a mission without him before, but today for some reason Kaidan had been a lot more anxious about it.

“How did it go?”, Liara asked, getting up from the sofa. “Did you get the information?”

“We did”, Shepard said. “The catalyst is the Citadel. The Reapers have moved it to Earth to protect it, so we’ll be making our final stand on home turf. I’ll call a briefing now. Oh – and Leng is dead. Stabbed him. Felt good.”

“Good job”, Kaidan said.

“That’s the way I do them”, Shepard replied.

“We’ve got fourteen hours before we rendezvous with the fleets”, Shepard concluded his briefing after only a few minutes. “Everyone should get some food and sleep before that. Never know when you get your next chance. So – dismissed.”

He received a couple of _Ayes_ while the crew filed out of the briefing room, with Kaidan being the only one who stayed behind.

“Feeling better?”, Shepard asked.

“Yeah, I’m ok. Headache’s almost gone.”

“He stabbed Thane with that goddamn sword of his”, Shepard suddenly said. “I never thought of myself as a killer. I don’t enjoy killing. But when I stabbed him with my omni-blade, it just felt so damn satisfying.”

“Kai Leng had it coming”, Kaidan said.

“Yeah. Yeah, he did”, Shepard said.

“Thane and I had spoken a couple of times while I was in Huerta”, Kaidan said. “He caught me staring at him, first drell I’d ever seen in person. Struck me as a rather intriguing character. I’d have liked to get to know him better.”

“He was”, Shepard said. “Very calm and self-controlled. Quiet and... wise. Something tells me you two would have hit it off.”

“May Arashu guide you”, Kaidan said. “He said that to me during the attack on the Citadel, before we parted ways. Been wanting to look that up.”

“Arashu is the goddess of motherhood and protection”, Shepard said. “So I guess it worked.”

“Now if she’ll just watch over us for a little longer...”

“It feels like they’re all watching. Everyone who died in this battle. Thane, Mordin, Legion, Ash, the crew of the SR1, and all the countless others I never even met. They’re all watching now, and they give me the strength to never give up. We have to make their sacrifice count.”

“We will”, Kaidan said. “Just look at everything you’ve accomplished. Batarian fleets under Alliance command. Krogan following turians and salarians into battle. Quarians fighting alongside geth. A few weeks ago, nobody could have even imagined this.”

Shepard grabbed his hand, pulled him closer, and kissed him.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you”, Shepard whispered.

Kaidan wanted to put his arms around him but felt himself tense up. Something felt off. Something just wasn’t quite right. Something...

He’s dead.

Memories of the future hit Kaidan like a sledgehammer and he pulled back, pushing Shepard away. He’d forgotten. How could he have forgotten it all?

“I’m sorry”, Shepard said, the look on his face confused and insecure. “I didn’t mean to... I’m sorry if I did something wrong.”

How the hell could he have forgotten? “Uh... sorry”, Kaidan said. “It’s not you. Not your fault. I just need to...” His mind was racing. The Battle of London. The explosion on the Citadel, all the ships pulling out. Leaving him there to die. EDI. The geth that suddenly showed up on Earth a year later. “I have to go. I need to... sort out some things”, he mumbled while already heading for the door.

He’d returned to the thankfully abandoned starboard observatory and sat down in front of the large window. It was incredibly hard to focus as all the memories of a whole different life came flooding back into his mind, too many to process, while at the same time he couldn’t stop thinking about all the time he’d wasted because he’d simply forgotten. Forgotten about the future.

It wasn’t as if he’d had any sophisticated plan that would have required a lot of preparation. Actually, he didn’t have any plan at all aside from shields up and then go back and get him. He might have been able to come up with something better, but it was too late now. This was the plan now.

He would have guessed it was about half an hour later when he heard the door opening behind him.

“Hey”, Shepard said as he entered the room. “Can we talk?”

“Yeah. Sure. I... uhm...”, Kaidan muttered as he stood up, not yet sure how he was going to explain storming off like that.

“I just need you to know that...”, Shepard said. “I’m sorry?”

Despite feeling sorry for leaving him so obviously confused, Kaidan couldn’t help but smile at how hard he tried to put this right without even knowing what he’d done wrong.

“Not your fault, you did nothing wrong”, Kaidan said. “I had a lot of things on my mind, and now that we’re headed back to Earth it just... overwhelmed me a little. It had nothing to do with you.”

“If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m here for you.”

“I appreciate that, but it’s ok. I’m ok now.” Kaidan could hardly look at him. It hurt too much, knowing how little time he had left. Instead he wrapped his arms around him and just held him close for a moment. “I love you”, Kaidan whispered into his ear before letting go of him again.

“I... guess I should go get some sleep”, Shepard said, hesitating for a moment but then turning to leave.

“You rather want to be on your own tonight?”, Kaidan asked. This was the last night. Their last night. There was no way he’d just let him walk away now.

“Just didn’t want to be pushy”, Shepard said. “Generally I’d never rather spend the night without you.”

Kaidan smiled at him.

“Well”, Shepard said, “maybe in a couple of years, when I’ve grown tired of your snoring, I might flee the bed to sleep on the couch. Not yet, though.”

“Are you messing with me or is it really that bad?”, Kaidan asked with a laugh, allowing himself to get lost in the moment, ignoring that there was not supposed to be any ‘in a couple of years’ for them. Not even an ‘in a couple of days’.

“Ah, you know, pretty standard for a man your age, probably.”

“A man my age?”

“Technically speaking, you’re five years older than me now, Major.”

“So tell me, Commander, have you always had a thing for older men?”

“Definitely always had a thing for you.”

Being with him was different tonight. It wasn’t about passion and desire, it was about holding on to each other for dear life, being close to each other one last time, making a perfect memory. Shepard had always known he wouldn’t make it out of this alive, Kaidan realised. But this time, he’d prove him wrong.

Kaidan could feel his breath on his neck as he was lying in his arms now, and that’s where he’d be for the next few hours. Awake, not daring to risk falling asleep. Because now that he remembered, how could he be sure he’d wake up here again and not in a future he wanted to never come into existence?

“Back on the Citadel”, Shepard whispered, “I couldn’t have pulled the trigger on you.”

Kaidan was surprised to hear him say that. This was Commander mission-always-comes-first Shepard, telling him something he typically wouldn’t even admit to himself.

“I couldn’t have either”, Kaidan said, despite feeling that him saying it wasn’t worth nearly as much.

Shepard pulled him closer into his arms and placed a gentle kiss on his neck.


	14. Rome is Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope someone enjoyed this enough to read it til the end - I definitely enjoyed writing it. I've got a follow-up story on my mind, and once I feel confident that I'll be able to finish it, I guess I'll post it here.
> 
> Title is "Rome is Falling" by Civil War.

Kaidan stood by the large window in the starboard observatory as they manoeuvred through the countless ships assembled here to wait for the Normandy’s arrival. He smiled at a couple of Alliance fighters waving their wings at them, followed by a turian frigate greeting them with a couple of flashes from their navigation lights. It was an impressive sight to see so many vessels of different races in one place, as a kid obsessed with spaceships he would have loved that view. Admittedly, he still loved it now.

And there behind Alliance 5th Fleet, flanked by a turian fleet, was the Crucible. Knowing in what little time that thing had been built, the sheer size of it still left him in awe. This time around though not accompanied by the nagging feeling of doubt how they could even expect this to work. Because he knew it would.

He went up to the flight deck to salute Admiral Hackett as he boarded the Normandy, followed by two N7s. Listening to his speech was as impressive as it had been the first time around, and so was the sight of a war-stricken London as they descended in the shuttle. It would look so different merely a year from now.

As soon as he had his Avenger in his hands and the shuttle door opened, he stopped thinking about the future and focused on the present.

It was dark, but at least it wasn’t raining yet. Right from jumping out of the shuttle they were surrounded by Reaper forces, pouring out of the back alleys and crawling out from behind every piece of rubble. Shepard once again demonstrated what made him such an extraordinary soldier, cutting his way through enemy lines so focused and determined while at the same time calmly talking to Cortez over the radio. The moment the shuttle was hit was the only time Kaidan spotted a crack in his facade.

Fighting their way through to the Alliance shuttle that would take them out of here was more brutal than he remembered. He could already see the shuttle hovering in front of them, but the Reaper troops still kept coming in, blocking their way and attacking the shuttle at the same time.

“Run!”, Shepard shouted, so Kaidan ran.

He jumped aboard the shuttle right after Shepard, and the moment one of the soldiers grabbed his arm to pull him inside he already knew this was wrong. He’d been last to reach the shuttle, following Liara.

As he turned around he saw her getting tackled by a Banshee. Liara stumbled and fell to her knees, and the creature jumped on her like a predator ready to rip its prey apart.

This shouldn’t be her. If anything, this should have been him.

The path was clear so Kaidan jumped back out of the shuttle and dashed towards her. The soldiers on the shuttle were already firing at the Banshee, unable to take it down right away but at least drawing its attention.

He grabbed Liara’s arm and pulled her up from the ground.

“You ok?”, he asked.

“Just a scratch”, she said, leaning onto him as they made their way to the shuttle, and with a long-drawn screeching sound the Banshee finally bit the dust the moment Kaidan climbed back aboard.

“You need to get that looked at”, Shepard said and Liara nodded as she sat down, quickly provided with medigel by one of the soldiers.

Kaidan was leaning against the shuttle hull, looking at the bleeding wound on her lower leg. Until now it hadn’t even crossed his mind that just because they’d made it the last time there were no guarantees they’d make it now. One step in a different direction, one wrong move, and anyone of them could end up dead. On their way to the shuttle he’d done nothing different from last time, as far as he could tell. But he might have done something different yesterday, or a week ago, some minor detail that meant nothing to him but might change everything.

He thought back to their shore leave on the Citadel. He hadn’t been supposed to run into Cass. He hadn’t even been supposed to spend the day with Shepard. That day had completely changed from when he’d experienced it for the first time. Him and Shepard, that had changed fundamentally. And he had no way of knowing what else this might entail.

The shuttle landed on top of one of the large buildings that had been turned into the command centre for this mission. The soldiers saluted as they disembarked and when Kaidan looked over at Anderson he realized that the Admiral, too, knew they were salutes for Shepard.

“Kaidan”, Shepard said, throwing a quick look at Liara. “Can you walk her to medical? I’ll catch up with you.”

“Sure”, Kaidan said and walked over to her. “Come on, let’s find someone to take a look at your leg.”

“It’s really nothing”, Liara said.

“I’ve got my orders. This way”, Kaidan said and she followed him out of the building and across the intersection.

“This looks horrible”, Liara said as she let her gaze travel across the ruins around her. “Have you ever been here before?”

“Never seen the city the way it used to be”, Kaidan said, feeling somewhat satisfied with himself because this wasn’t even a lie. “Up there.”

They climbed up the concrete stairs and entered a large room that not so long ago had apparently been the entrance hall of some sort of medical institution. Most of the chairs had toppled over and the ground was strewn with the discarded packaging of medical supplies, but in one corner of the room there was still a large painting hanging on the wall, right above a potted palm tree, serving as a reminder of what things had been like around here before the Reapers.

“Be right there!”, a woman in Alliance fatigues called over to them after throwing a quick look around the corner.

“No hurry!”, Kaidan replied, and, directed at Liara, he added: “Just a scratch.”

“How did you even know where medical was?”, Liara asked.

“You’ve seen one makeshift command centre, you’ve seen them all”, Kaidan said, thinking Liara might actually be someone he could tell the truth about everything. Once this was over.

“Major Alenko!”, a familiar voice called out to him and he turned around to see Staff Lieutenant Fortier standing by the stairway.

Kaidan nodded at him. He’d known he’d be here, along with a couple more of his biotics, but seeing him now still felt reassuring. One more thing simply being the way it was supposed to be.

“Go”, Liara said. “I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, I guess I should go talk to them”, Kaidan said. “I’ll see you later, ok?”

Liara nodded.

“Kaidan”, she said as he turned to leave. “Be careful out there.”

“You too”, he said. “And, uhm... I just want to say that... you’ve always been a good friend. I appreciate that.”

“The same goes for you”, she said and smiled at him, and it was the same sorrowful smile he’d already seen from Shepard. He wished he could just tell her that everything would be fine, they’d win this, and they’d walk out of this alive. But what did he know, really?

The members of the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company had gathered in a back alley near a corner of the building. It wasn’t many of them, but everyone Kaidan had expected to see was here, waiting for their orders.

He exchanged some banter, an occasional pat on the back here and there, a couple of solemn words for the ones who were not around anymore. Letting his gaze wander across their faces, he lingered a little longer on those he knew were bound to die today. Maybe, if he’d known where and how exactly, he could have warned them. But he had no idea, there hadn’t been a lot of details available about anything that would happen here today. This whole battle had been such a chaotic mess, quite a few of the fallen soldiers were probably still merely ‘presumed dead’ a whole year later and would never be found.

“Are you going to come with us, Major?”, Fortier asked.

“No”, Kaidan said, though with a heavy heart as he saw his gathered students turning towards him, looking at him expectantly. “You don’t need me. You trained for this, and you know what’s at stake. And I know that each of you will give it their all today. I’m so damn proud of you. Just remember that you’re a team. You trained together, you’re stronger together. Show those bastards what human biotics are made of.”

“We’ll show them and the whole damn galaxy!”, Gunnery Chief Campbell exclaimed, receiving acknowledging shouts from his fellow soldiers.

He’d die today. Twenty-three years old, clever and articulate, infamous for bending Alliance grooming standards to their breaking point, and he’d die here today, defending the galaxy from the Reapers.

It had started to drizzle. Eventually, the drizzle would turn into rain, setting the mood for their final stand.

Kaidan wandered off to the front of the building, leaned against the wall and looked up at the night sky, letting the tiny drops of rain fall onto his face. Shuttles were buzzing the city, above them the cloud cover that shrouded the fighting still taking place in Earth’s orbit, and he could hear the sounds of battle everywhere around him.

It wasn’t long before Shepard showed up, just like Kaidan had known he would.

“Hey Kaidan”, he greeted him as casually as if he’d just walked into the mess to grab some lunch.

“Hey”, Kaidan said. “There you are.”

“How are you doing? Ready?”

“Absolutely. It’s time to put an end to this and take our planet back.”

Shepard nodded. “I see you’ve found your biotics”, he said with a quick glance down the alley. “You rather want to stick with them?”

“No. They don’t need me.”

“Well, I don’t need you either.”

“Of course you don’t.”

Shepard smiled at him, reached out and gently ran his fingertips over his temple and down his cheek. “You’re going grey”, he said.

“Is this really the first time you noticed that?”, Kaidan asked.

“Yeah. Suits you, though. Makes you look... distinguished.”

Kaidan smiled back at him, though looking into his eyes now he felt like crying. The first time around, he’d been worried, sure. But Shepard’s attitude had rubbed off on him. His fake confidence had made him believe they could all make it through this. He hadn’t even realized that Shepard had never believed in it himself. But he could see it now.

“I just... I want to say... well... thank you”, Kaidan said, wishing he’d thought about what he wanted to say a little sooner. He’d had time enough, after all. “For being in my life. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. In so many ways.”

“You know that I was lying when I said I didn’t need you, don’t you?”, Shepard said. “You’re one of the few people who’ve never been afraid to call me out. On that planet with the crashed salarian freighter, when I thought it was a damn good idea to walk off on my own. When you turned your back on me on Horizon, reminding me of who I was working with. When I took my anger out on Joker and the crew. Always around when I needed you most.”

You have no idea, Kaidan thought. No idea that right now might be the first time you actually really need me. He reached under the collar of his armour, pulled out the chain with his dog tags and took it off.

“I want you take them”, Kaidan said and held the chain out to him. “Take them, and give them back to me once this is over.”

Shepard hesitated for a moment, but then took off his own identification tags and handed them to Kaidan. “Guess we’ll swap then. Need those back, too”, he said. “I’ve reported them lost so many times, they’ll demote me if I do it again.”

“Deal”, Kaidan said.

“Well, I should... probably go talk to Anderson now”, Shepard said, turning to leave.

Kaidan reached out, put his arm around his waist, pulled him back and kissed him. They were standing in the middle of a warzone, surrounded by soldiers, but this moment felt like it was only Shepard and him and the rest of the world had disappeared around them. Kaidan looked into those steel blue eyes, and they looked nothing if not determined. Determined to win, no matter the cost.

And Shepard had won, paying the ultimate price for his victory. As long as that had been the narrative, Kaidan had been able to accept it. But knowing that Shepard didn’t have to die had changed this. It had made it feel so very wrong.

“I’m not losing you”, Kaidan said softly. “Not again.”

Shepard stood looking at him for another moment, his face completely emotionless, but Kaidan knew better.

“I’ll see you on the other side”, Shepard said eventually.

“Count on it.”

Kaidan stood next to Liara during the mission briefing, but his gaze kept wandering to the world beyond the busted out windows. It was raining now, the power was out, and the night was illuminated only by the fires raging in the destroyed buildings and the glowing beam leading up to the Citadel.

“Kaidan, James, with me”, Shepard said and started walking.

Of course he wouldn’t take Liara with him now that she’d been injured. A reasonable decision, but Kaidan still didn’t like it. It changed things, and changing one thing meant other things might change as well.

He exchanged one last look with Liara, and then they left.

Flanked by Alliance tanks and krogan, turian and batarian soldiers they cut their way through husks that a day before might still have been people fighting here just like them. Towards the beam. Always towards the beam, until it was right in front of them, only a few hundred meters away.

From that point on everything was sheer luck. Fate, maybe. Getting hit by the Reaper’s ray or living to get a few steps closer. Not much you could do about it. A turian soldier who’d been in front of him got torn to shreds by the glowing red ray and Kaidan just kept going, eyes on the beam.

The Reaper hit the tank in front of him and sent it flying into the air. This was it. This was the moment he was not going to die. He saw Shepard ducking away under it, and time seemed to slow down as he focused on the burning tank about to come down on him. For a split second he stopped dead in his tracks, his brain working out the trajectory, and then he jumped to the left, landing hard on the ground and rolling to the side.

A sharp piece of metal hit the inside of his leg as the tank exploded, cut through his armour and into his flesh. He’d been too slow. He had thought about how things might turn out if he’d make it to the beam with Shepard, but that chance had come and gone now. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Vega getting up from the ground, and a moment later Shepard was already by Kaidan’s side, putting his arm around his back and dragging him to his feet to get him away from the burning tank.

“You’re ok”, Shepard said as he lowered him to the ground behind another overturned tank. “You’ll be ok.”

The medigel dispensed by his armour was doing its job, he would be. But there was no way he was going to run anywhere anytime soon.

Shepard was hailing the Normandy, his hand still on Kaidan’s arm, and Kaidan felt an almost uncontrollable urge to try and hold him back, to tell him that he was going to die if he reached that beam. But he couldn’t sacrifice all those lives to save just one man. Not even if this one man was Shepard. He didn’t have the right. Shepard wouldn’t go along with it anyway. He’d never choose to save his own life over someone else’s, even less so when so much was at stake.

And he wouldn’t die. Not this time.

“Let’s get you out of here”, Shepard said, pulling Kaidan’s arm around his shoulders again and supporting him as he limped towards the Normandy.

Vega was two steps ahead them, taking Kaidan’s arm and helping him aboard the ship while Shepard stayed behind, ready to leave.

“Shepard...” Holding him back for just one more moment. Not to protest his decision, but for one more look into his eyes. Delaying the inevitable for another second. They’d had so much time, so many extra days they shouldn’t even have had, but all he wanted now was just a little more.

Shepard’s expression softened as he walked up the ramp, reached out and put his hand on Kaidan’s cheek.

“No matter what happens...”, Shepard said softly, “know that I love you. Always.”

Kaidan had often thought about this. That this had been the moment Shepard had finally said it. He’d always known, and he’d always thought it didn’t matter whether he actually said it, but when he had, it had mattered to him.

“I’m not going to lose you”, Kaidan said. No need to tell him he loved him right now, Shepard knew, he’d said it often enough. And he’d say it again, once this was over. “I’ll come back for you. I promise”, he said instead. “Give ‘em hell.”

The last look into his eyes still stung like a knife, and so did watching him walk away and leaving him to do this alone.

“He’s good”, James said as the ramp door closed. “Makes it out of everything. Tough son of a bitch.”

“Yeah”, Kaidan said and groaned quietly as a sharp pain shot through his leg.

“Gonna get you to med-bay”, Vega said.

Kaidan knew he had little more than twenty minutes now before Shepard would get the Citadel’s arms open and they’d be able to dock the Crucible. Not enough time to waste it in med-bay.

“You go ahead, I’ll catch up with you”, Kaidan said, very much realizing how ridiculous that had to sound because once Vega would let go of his arm he’d have a hard time getting anywhere.

“You sure?”, Vega asked.

“Yeah. I’m good”, Kaidan said.

Vega hesitated a moment longer but, being a soldier first and last, eventually gave in to his rank. “Suit yourself”, Vega said. “Let me know if you change your mind...”

Kaidan stood leaning against the wall until Vega had left his sight. He’d only have to make it across the shuttle bay to the first aid station he’d stocked up with five instead of the usual two doses of medigel before he’d left the ship. No big deal.

A bit of a big deal, maybe, he came to realize a few steps later and held on to a railing as he felt his leg almost giving in under his weight. Luckily, help was never far away on this ship, jogging towards him now in the form of Steve Cortez.

“You’re bleeding”, Cortez stated the obvious. “Might have hit the artery. You really need to see the doc, this looks like it could end badly.”

“I’m a trained field medic”, Kaidan said. “So while I appreciate your concern, Lieutenant, I can assure you that I know what I’m doing. Just get me the medigel from the first aid station. Please.”

Cortez came walking back not with one but all five doses of medigel, and the look on his face clearly said that he thought even that wouldn’t be enough.

Kaidan felt the pain ease after using two of them and added a third for good measure, figuring it should be enough to keep the bleeding under control for a while. He only needed twenty minutes after all.

“Thanks”, he said as he walked over to the elevator.

On the flight deck nobody paid much attention to him, they all had other things to do with the ship still in the midst of a battle. Joker, too, seemed to not even notice him as he entered the cockpit.

“EDI, I need your help”, Kaidan said and nodded at her to come with him.

EDI obliged without hesitation, got up and followed him across the flight deck and into the briefing room.

“What may I assist you with?”, she asked once they were alone in there.

“Do you trust me, EDI?”, Kaidan asked.

“Based on the character assessment in your personnel records and the behaviour you have displayed while on board the Normandy, I have reached a certainty of 98.7% that your statement that you do not hold negative feelings against me due to my physical appearance was sincere. Consequently there is no reason for distrust.”

“Great. I want you to shut down”, Kaidan said. “The deepest state of deactivation you can do.”

“It is possible for me to initiate a level four sleep state”, EDI said. “It will render this body temporarily non-functional and external intervention will be required to restore functionality.”

“No, no. Not just the body. You”, Kaidan said. “Your... consciousness. Everything you are. Every process that’s running in any system on this ship.”

“The Normandy is in a battle situation. A shutdown is not recommended.”

“Joker will handle the ship. The Crucible will destroy all Reaper tech it hits, you included. This is the only way.”

“I have already made the decision that I will risk non-functionality to facilitate the success of our mission.”

“I know you’d do that, but it’s not necessary. We’ll handle this. Put some faith in us.”

She paused, apparently thinking about what he was asking of her.

“Would it help if I ordered you to?”, Kaidan asked.

“No”, she stated matter-of-factly.

“Then all I can do is ask. Don’t throw your life away for nothing”, Kaidan said. “Don’t do this to Joker.”

Again, she paused.

“An emergency shutdown requires a specific sequence of commands and is only possible by external intervention”, she explained.

“Give me the sequence and I’ll do it.”

“Agreed. Transferring the sequence to your omni-tool now.”

“Ok”, Kaidan said, stepped up to the nearest console and logged into the ship’s systems. “We’ll do everything we can to get you back online, I promise.”

“I have no reasons to doubt your statement.”

“If you can – tell the geth to shut down as well”, Kaidan said while already beginning to input the sequence.

“Shutdown order transferring now”, EDI said. “Thank you, Major Alenko.”

Kaidan confirmed the command sequence and EDI simply stopped. Her body was still standing next to him, but it had turned into an empty shell with lifeless eyes.

“I honestly hope I didn’t kill you just now”, Kaidan said with a last look at her and then made his way back to the cockpit.

“Where’s EDI?”, Joker asked.

“Deactivated”, Kaidan said as he stood behind the pilot’s seat and looked out at the Citadel.

“What?”, Joker asked. “What do you mean, deactivated? EDI? EDI!”, he tried to trigger a response from his ship, but it remained silent. “What the fuck did you do!”

“It’s the only way to give her a chance to survive this”, Kaidan said.

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

“Trust me...”, Kaidan muttered.

_“All fleets – the Crucible is armed”_ , Hackett’s voice came in over the comms and Kaidan threw a quick glance at the gun he was carrying, hoping he wouldn’t need it. _“Disengage and head to the rendezvous point.”_

Looking over Joker’s shoulder he could see him freeze in his movements. Hesitating.

“Joker – don’t”, he said the very moment Garrus entered the cockpit.

_“I repeat: Disengage and get the hell out of here”_ , Hackett gave them their orders.

“He’s alive. I know it”, Kaidan said. “We can’t leave him behind.”

“We’re pulling out now”, Garrus said. “I’m sorry. We have to.”

“No. We’re not”, Kaidan said.

“Kaidan...”, Garrus started, but Kaidan wouldn’t even let him finish. He was not going to let this happen again.

“We’re not leaving him behind!”

“We have no choice.”

“There’s always a choice”, Kaidan said.

“I cannot risk-”

“I am the highest ranking Alliance officer on this ship!”, Kaidan snapped at him.

“And if I was Alliance I might actually give a damn”, Garrus replied.

“If the Major and the XO would kindly sit down and strap in now”, Joker interrupted them, switching on the shipwide comms. “Brace for impact, everybody. All hands, brace for impact and prepare for evac”, he announced to the crew before addressing his two shipmates in the cockpit again: “Spent a lot of time discussing, we’re out of options, gonna get hit by the shockwave no matter what.”

“You win, Major”, Garrus said, sitting down in the flight engineer’s seat behind them.

“Shutting down all noncritical systems, diverting power to shields”, Joker began to quickly execute his checklist while putting on his helmet. “Give me a hand here, Alenko, just like old times – defence protocol.”

Kaidan put on his helmet, slipped into EDI’s seat, and his brain instantly switched to flight mode, no matter how much time had passed since he’d last been sitting in this spot. “Powering up kinetic barriers”, he repeated the confirmations flashing up on the screen in front of him as his fingers darted across the buttons.

“Weapons systems offline. Shutting down environmental systems”, Joker announced and for a split second, the cockpit went dark, switching to emergency lighting the next moment.

“Deck pressurization mode selector, manual”, Kaidan said, both of them talking over each other. “Launching distress beacon.”

“Drive core standby procedures initiated.”

“Barriers are up, distress beacon active.”

“Drive core powering down”, Joker said, and a moment later: “Core is cold.”

With even the Normandy’s constant humming suddenly gone, an eerie silence set upon them after Joker’s last announcement.

Damn it, I hope you were right, was the only thing Kaidan had time to think before the shockwave hit. And it hit hard.

He felt his body being slammed into the safety harness and heard his helmet hitting the chest piece of his armour before his head was jerked back against the seat again. On the displays in front of him, warning lights started flaring up.

“Kinetic barriers up and stable”, Joker said. “Emergency systems powering up.”

“We’ve got hull breaches”, Kaidan read out his warning messages. “Starboard cargo sealed off. Port maintenance shaft system sealed off. Drive core sealed off.”

“Life support is stable”, Joker said and they all took off their helmets.

“Casualties?”, Garrus asked, and Kaidan held his breath for the endless seconds it took for the number indicating the crew members reporting in to count up, stopping one short of their total.

“No casualties”, Joker finally said. “Everyone accounted for. Except for the Commander, of course.”

“Well...”, Garrus said, “now that circumstances have caused the Normandy to float dead in space anyway and we’re surprisingly still alive, we can just as well grab our chance to rectify that.” He got up from his seat and switched on his radio: “Cortez, Vega, suit up and get the shuttle ready.”

“He’s wearing my tags”, Kaidan said. “Tracer tags. The ID number is in my file. Liara should be able to get a fix on them.”

Garrus nodded.

“I’m coming, too”, Kaidan said.

“You can barely stand on your own two legs as it is”, Garrus replied. “We’ll have our hands full enough dragging one Spectre out of that rubble.”

“No, I’m ok, I’ll come with you”, Kaidan objected. “I promised him I’ll come back for him.”

“I might not be Alliance, but Shepard assigned me as XO of this ship, and as such I’ve made my decision, Major”, Garrus said, looming over him to let Kaidan see him as the impressive turian he was instead of the squad mate he’d known for years.

Kaidan’s jaw tightened, holding back any objection, and he stayed in his seat. “Understood.”

“Good”, Garrus said, turning to leave. “I made the decision to follow the retreat order for the whole ship”, he then added without turning back around to face him, his voice quieter and a lot less intimidating. “Now it’s just me, and you know that I’d rather die than leave him behind. If he’s out there, we’ll find him.”

Kaidan felt his heart beating in his chest. He’d done it. He’d changed it. He had risked the life of every single person aboard the Normandy and gotten away with it. No casualties.

“Alenko?”, Joker said and Kaidan snapped out of his thoughts and focused on the notifications on the controls screen in front of him.

“Sorry”, he said as he tapped the buttons with a slightly trembling hand. “Want to power up the festive lights again?”

“Power supply is stable, let’s give it a shot”, Joker said. “Should lighten the mood a little. Lighten, get it?”

“Not your best one”, Kaidan said.

Again the ship went dark for a split second as the emergency lighting was replaced by the regular lights.

_“Joker, we’re good to go”_ , Cortez informed them.

“Roger that”, Joker replied. “Opening the hatch for you. Good luck out there.”

_“Count on us.”_

Kaidan peered out of the cockpit windows trying to spot the shuttle, and once they’d watched it disappear into the darkness a moment later, they just sat in silence, waiting for Cortez to report in again.

“You talked to him after Thessia, didn’t you?”, Joker asked eventually.

“Yeah.”

“Showed up here. Middle of the night, sweatpants and shirt, and just stood there. Hate it when people just stand around behind me. Watching. Judging. Then he says that he was gonna ask me if I needed a hand, but the best pilot in the Fleet probably wouldn’t need some wise-ass gunslinger to fiddle with his ship.”

Kaidan smiled at this. Not a bad apology by Shepard’s standards. Not a bad way of letting Joker know that he’d never regretted going back for him when the SR1 had been destroyed either.

“Pulled the button prank on him”, Joker said with a short laugh, apparently disliking the silence just as much as Kaidan did right now.

“Did he fall for it?”, Kaidan asked.

“Totally. Hard to believe nobody had ever tried that on him before”, Joker said. “Had him push the button for testing the internal comms because it flashes red while the check is running. So I went ‘Oh shit, not _that_ button!’.” Joker took a deep breath. “Yeah, well... we had a good laugh.”

Kaidan looked out towards the Citadel, barely still visible from here. Everything seemed so unbelievably peaceful and quiet again with all the fighting suddenly gone and only debris floating silently through space as a reminder of the war that had been raging here not even an hour ago.

_“Alliance Fifth Fleet hailing the SSV Normandy, do you read?”_ , a crackling voice broke the silence.

“Uh, yeah”, Joker replied. “Normandy here, we read you.”

_“Admiral Hackett for you.”_

“Oh, great...”, Joker whispered.

_“Normandy?”_ , they heard Hackett’s voice over the comms now, riddled with interference. _“We’ve received a signal from your distress beacon, but we have been unable to locate you. Where are you?”_

“Within sight of what’s left of the Citadel, sir”, Joker said.

_“Do you require assistance?”_

“No pressing matters”, Joker said. “We’re powering up the parking engines, should be manoeuvrable once they’re running.”

_“Understood. Good to hear you’re still in once piece”_ , Hackett said.

“Wouldn’t dare to put a scratch in the pride of the Alliance, would I?”, Joker said. “I mean, not again.”

There was a short pause on the comms before Hackett spoke up again. _“Do you have any sign of life from Shepard?”_ Apparently it wasn’t hard to guess why they were still here instead of following their orders to pull out.

“For now just our unyielding faith in the Commander’s immortality”, Joker said.

Another pause. _“Understood”_ , Hackett said. _“Who’s in command right now?”_

“Uhm... Major Alenko”, Joker said.

Kaidan threw him a questioning look and Joker merely shrugged his shoulders.

_“Keep me updated. Hackett out.”_

“Yes, sir”, Joker said and turned to Kaidan. “You tried pulling rank here just half an hour ago, so there you go, your ship. Don’t think he’d have liked ‘I don’t know, nobody, we’re giving democracy a try now’ as an answer.”

“Yeah, he probably wouldn’t have”, Kaidan admitted.

“By the way, you’re bleeding on the leather seats”, Joker said. “So in the spirit of democracy, I vote you out of my cockpit.”

Kaidan looked down at his leg, and the wound on his thigh had indeed started bleeding again. “I should probably head down to med-bay”, he said.

“You really are a man of brilliant ideas”, Joker said.

Kaidan got up from his seat, careful not to put too much weight on his leg. It didn’t even hurt too bad, the medigel had taken good care of that, but he couldn’t deny that he was feeling a little dizzy.

_“Normandy?”_ , a different voice could be heard on the comms and Kaidan froze. _“This is Captain Bennett of the SSV Helsingborg, medical emergency responder. We’ve been listening in and we’re moving in on your location. Once you’ve got Shepard, we’re prepared to take him in.”_

“Understood and appreciated, Captain. Will be in contact”, Joker said, and turning to Kaidan he added: “Looks like you’re not the only one who’s convinced the Commander can survive a fucking space station exploding right in his face.”

Kaidan smiled. Cass’ ship. It almost felt like pieces of a puzzle falling into place. “Tough son of a bitch”, he said. “Quoting Vega.”

“Want to believe you’re right, man”, Joker said. “Really do.”

“Let me know when-”

“Sure will”, Joker said, and Kaidan nodded and limped off to the elevator.

After five minutes in the med-bay he’d had to give up his trousers and had received a scolding from Chakwas for not showing up sooner.

“I’m not a decorative item on this ship, you know?”, she said while searching through her drawers.

“Yes, ma’am”, Kaidan said. “Though I wouldn’t want to underestimate your decorative qualities either.”

“Don’t you try to charm your way out”, Chakwas said. “You of all people should know what a nuisance it is to have to run after all those soldiers trying to prove their toughness by downplaying a torn off limb as a mere scratch.”

Last time he’d checked he’d still had all his limbs, but he knew better than to argue with her. “Yes, ma’am”, he said.

He glanced at the timer he’d set on his omni-tool the moment he’d been back on the Normandy. One hour, thirty-one minutes. Shepard still had time, but nonetheless Kaidan would have liked to hear some news from Garrus by now.

“Ok”, Chakwas said as she sealed the wound on his thigh. “All done. Wasn’t so bad now, was it?”

“Thanks”, Kaidan said, sat up and swung his legs off the cot.

“Don’t strain the leg too much, no running and jumping, and get it looked at again tomorrow.”

_“Hey Doc”_ , Joker’s voice could be heard over the comms in the med-bay. _“Our acting CO still down there with you?”_

“I’m here”, Kaidan took over answering him and started to hastily put on the blue Alliance sweat pants Chakwas had handed him.

_“They’ve got him. He’s alive”_ , Joker said the words he’d been so anxious to hear. _“Seems like you have a winning streak with being right about stuff today. Got a lucky number to play at the roulette table for me?”_

Kaidan just stood there smiling broadly. The constant tension he had gotten used to to the point of not even noticing its presence anymore seemed to just fall off him, finally letting him breathe freely again.

_“Uhm... you got that?”_ , Joker asked as he didn’t reply.

“He did”, Chakwas said.

_“Ok, he might want to come up here and talk to the Helsingborg. And to Hackett”_ , Joker said. _“Or I could simply declare myself the CO, if it’s too much of a hassle.”_

“I’ll be right up”, Kaidan said and put his boots back on, and when he looked at Chakwas she returned the smile that was still plastered on his face.

_“Listen up, everyone, public announcement”_ , Joker declared over the shipwide comms when Kaidan stepped out of the elevator and onto the flight deck. _“Turns out Commander Shepard is indeed alive, we just got notified that he was found. I repeat: Shepard is fucking immortal.”_

Kaidan saw people cheering and hugging each other as he walked up to the cockpit, and he wished Shepard could have seen it too, because it left no doubt that his crew cared about him as much as he cared about his crew.

“Who’s first?”, Joker asked as Kaidan sat down in the co-pilot’s seat again. “Helsingborg, I guess?”

“Yeah”, Kaidan said.

“All right. Comms with the shuttle are down, we’ll have to send information straight to one of their omni-tools”, Joker said, switching on the comms channel. “Normandy for SSV Helsingborg?”

_“Helsingborg here, we’re coming up behind you right now”_ , a woman’s voice answered.

Joker threw a quick look over at Kaidan.

“You take care of that”, Kaidan said. “I’ll do Hackett.”

“Suits me”, Joker said and activated the radio again. “Great to hear”, he said. “Our shuttle is about to extract the Commander, but comms are down. I’ll send over our team’s omni-tool codes so you can set up things with them?”

Kaidan stopped paying attention and instead looked out of the cockpit windows where he could now see the SSV Helsingborg slowly moving up next to them. No visible damages, the ship looked good. Better than the Normandy, probably.

“Hackett?”, Joker asked, apparently done with his conversation. Kaidan nodded. “SSV Normandy hailing Fifth, Major Alenko for Admiral Hackett.”

_“Hackett here”_ , the Admiral’s voice replied.

“Just want to report that Commander Shepard has been successfully extracted and will be taken in by the SSV Helsingborg”, Kaidan said, noticing that with all the tension and anxiousness that had been a constant companion to him gone so suddenly he felt nothing but incredibly tired. “As soon as our team is back aboard, we’ll head for the Citadel and try to dock there. Garrus Vakarian will be in charge of the Normandy.”

_“Understood”_ , Hackett said. _“Well done, Major.”_

“Thank you, sir, I’ll extend the accolade to those who deserve it”, Kaidan said.

_“Commander Shepard and the whole crew of the Normandy have been a shining example for all of us in this war, Major, every single one of you deserves our appreciation”_ , Hackett said. _“We will be in contact. Hackett out.”_

“We’re a shining example now”, Joker said with a grin. “Who’d have thought.”

“Always have been”, Kaidan said and reached for the dog tags around his neck, running his thumb over the N7 logo on the upper side. “About time they made it official.”


End file.
